You guys are...

AWESOME! I still have 38 followers, I think that's more than when I just disappeared off the face of the earth... I'm sorry I haven't been around, S.A.D sucks and having to come home from England.. Even though the way I was treated was beyond ridiculous after 3 yrs... blah.. whatever.

It totally threw me off my 'dieting' shit.. rather starving shit, I guess... But now, I'm having a smoothie in the morning, a 160 cal lean cuisine meal for supper (doesn't fill me up, but I like that, makes me feel like my stomach is shrinking, like my real stomach, on the inside - the outside is HUGE) and I have a quarter glass of skim milk in the evening with a fibre bar, because I just need the fibre.. you know how it is.. I can't get impacted again, I just don't have that in me and my family doesn't have it in them. So, if a 150 cal fibre bar stops that and I'm still losing, so be it. I'd rather not, because I *can* do without it, but do I let myself become reliant on laxatives again? I had to wean off of them before and make my body learn to do its job again, which was... uncomfortable.

I'm going to the gym, they have some awesome new machines, including 2 new Stair-masters which they didn't have before! Fuck their hard though, coz they go so slow, I'd rather run it, lol.. I finally got on one machine that I was scared of - it looked difficult and I'm SO self conscious in the gym anyway - and it ROCKED... it's a lateral machine.. I used to have the thigh lateral trainer/stepper, it was great coz it targets your butt and the spare tyre too..Another machine I love and spend a lot of time on, targets both legs and arms, but I seem to have an injury in one arm, coz after a while it hurts like a bitch, but the other arm could keep going and going and going, it's SO frustrating... but I've done this to my own body, through shit like this... I'm trying to take a slightly healthier approach, but... We'lll see.

There's not much to update on, I lost my fricken job, slipped on a build up of ice, so they let me go/I kinda quit.. Long story. The fricken ice shouldn't have been allowed to build up in the first place, maybe I'll try to find the picture of where I slipped and you guys can tell me what you think?

I'm gonna try my hardest to catch up on you all. I won't be able to go back and read *Everything* :( I'm sorry... but I'll do my best.

I'm job searching at the moment and trying to take these Canadian high school upgrades, which makes me feel stupid.. One the one hand I'm worried I won't be able to do it, because I haven't been in school for so long and the last 3 years or more, I've legally not been able to work or study, now I have my permanent residency I can at least try. But, all that time with no routine and structure has been harmful.
And, I mean... I went to a prominent, highly sought after school. I wrote an entrance exam. I had to work my way into that school and work by butt off to stay there... And take GCSE's and pass GCSE's and now I'm told it all means nothing? Like? Fuck them! But, I gotta do what I gotta do to better myself and my life, right?

Skinny + Dream Job + Family (including carrying a child for us, which will make me FAT again, but, I cross that bridge when I come to it) = happiness, right? But, will I ever be happy away from my home country and other family? Will I ever be able to get the drugs out of my damn head? Wanting and waiting for them ALL the damn time? I just wanna be numb... But, why?

Anyway...

I loves you all and I am gonna try to be around more... Try to be back!

Stay strong x

Hi x

Hi guys, I'm still kicking around, I'm sorry I've been a shitty blogger and a shitty support to you guys.. I hate where I am right now :( in every sense..

I lost my job.. Feel like a failure in every sense, too.

I have become closer to Jayden though... Renee had to go away for two weeks so it was just me n him.. We bonded and it made me feel good. It made me feel like his mummy for real, for the first time.. Not like the fraud I was feeling like before.

I'm going to try to catch up on everyone, even if its only everyone's last few entries to begin with. My computer had a virus or something at the moment, so I'm trying to fix that so that I can update and catch up properly.

Love you guys x

Sick sick sick...

...in the head, physically, emotionally, mentally.

I couldn't get my meds because I'm broke and I lost my drug card somehow?? I need money to get meds so desperately, but we re broke. Right now, 70 quid might as well be 70 000 =(

I hate money.

I broke down today, because I can't handle my addiction, the way it makes me think, feel and want. The lack of meds probably brought this on, or at least amplified it, that plus PMSing for like over a week! I Began PMSing on time, but I am a week late for my period (no, I can't possibly be pregnant guys ;).

I just cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My partner held me for a bit, then had to go to bed, I wish she'd just dragged me along with her and held me some more. Instead, I lay on the futon, in the living room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up just now, having not taken my other meds, well done me, and still very upset, but calmed down a little.

I wish my family were the kind that I could ask for financial help. Those that I could, my mum, dad etc, would, but don't have it... my brothers wouldn't, but they have it.. but then, that's my own fault =(

I'm a fool.