Life attempt...

   So I made an attempt on my life on Sunday. I'm currently inpatient, I was in icu, I stopped breathing and they intubated me and sedated me for two days. I was angry that I was found.. I don't remember much, but I was told that the police were called because I refused to go into the ambulance. As a result, my family are sending fornmeX I've never had any real support here. Always being told that my family don't care for me, an attempt to keep me here maybe? But they've shown that that they do. I should never have listened to the cruel words that crushed me. Who wants to hear that their family don't give a shit?

   I'm terrified to go back honestly., a LOT changes in 8 years and I hate change... But I will deal.. I have to. This is my hope. I'm gutted that I will be giving up an extremely good dbt programme for borderline, but since when does therapy succeed without support? 

   I'm even more gutted that i will essentially lose my kid. We'll see if she follows through and brings him for visits, I doubt it. It's  why I didn't want a kid with her, I KNEW I'd eventually lose him. I was afraid to love him, but fell in love with him at first sight anyways.. I knew what she was like... But she did it anyway  and he's not like I could  withhold. Situation has switched now and I'm 32 and ready for a baby.. If I go ahead she's leaving me. I told her fine. I need to do this for me, so that was that. Is it just me or js that selfish? I'd even call it barbaric. She even time our marriage counsellor she was okay wth trying. Then refused to go back because she changed her mind and couldn't face her. Laughable. She actually waited til I was in my two week wait to tell me she couldn't do it and I was on my own, that is not love.

I am starting to feel Hate toward her and that makes me sad. Don't ever marry your best friend... I don't know how she could do this to me.  She literally made me want to die. 

Teen Angst...

...I just wanna get away from myself. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm in a constant brain fog. I'm so ansty and anxious, no matter what I do, I feel like I'm waiting for it to be over, so that I can move into the next thing.. Just get my life over, maybe? Hurry up and reach my natural end, because I'm too much of a damn coward to end it myself. I can't stop the train of negativity in my mind. I feel ill. All. Of. The. Time. Everything is SO fucking overwhelming. Yet I feel ungrateful. Because there are so many worse off than me. I never wanted to be here. I should have stood up for myself and left when I wanted to. Before I was drug down into this life and lost all sight of myself. I have to start thinking of myself and stop worrying what others might think or feel about me doing what I need to do for me. 

I'm struggling. I want to use so so bad.  I want to hurt myself. I want to end this pain. Enough said.

Rollercoaster Ride...

...Oh the joys of bpd. Big dip in mood yesterday.

Yesterday morning I was laying down, trying to get back to sleep, when I realised that I actually *wasnt* ruminating/overthinking/worrying.. For a few blissful seconds, I was relieved.. But then the fear crept back in. Ironically, I feared the ruminations coming back. I was worrying about worrying.. But, it's like my brain shuts down *just* to give itself the energy it takes to attack later on. I became irritable after the kids I was babysitting refused to get ready, so then I began worrying about being late getting the car back to Renee, thinking about how she was gonna have a go at me.. After that was avoided, I just couldn't get out of that moodiness. Then Renee started having a go about money, after looking at the bank. She didn't bother to ask if I had money, just proceeded to freak out about not being able to pay bills. She gave me her cash to put in the bank. Well, I knew that I was being paid that night, plus I had cash. So I threw her cash back at her and told her she shouldn't assume. I know I'm bad with money, impulsive spending, but I'm getting better and she didn't even give me a chance.

So, I took the kids home as we were supposed to be going out for New Years some time after. Well, I got in the door, went to grab something to eat, and she's on me about how long it's gonna take and how we have to leave. I'd been asking her all day what time she wanted to go! She never gave me an answer.so how was I to know that I didn't have time to eat after work?? And you all know what it's like when someone gets on at you about food. I threw it back in the freezer and went off to sulk. She asked me if I still wanted to go, I said I don't know. So she said, "well then I don't wa t to go, you always have to make it my decision!" And stomped off.. We did end up reconciling last night, but it made for another shitty New Years. I just needed some encouragement and reassurance, I think. We were going to hang out with her friends. I was anxious. I was already moody. I had explained to her earlier that I was trying to implement the "opposite action" dbt skill, because I *reallly* didn't feel like going and didn't have the morivatjon, but I really wanted to do something for New Years at the same time. I wish that she could just try to be suportive. 

New Years makes me feel like a total loser. As does my birthday. I've never had any friends to celebrate with. My birthday has been pretty much since my 13th bday. I had a movie night and only two friends showed up. Then they came. Ask to my house and we sat in dark until they were picked up because the light bulbs were all blown, I watched my best friends drive by looking out the window of her mums car, just about as sad as i felt, because her mum had grounded her and wasn't allowing her to come. An acquaintance was having her major party on my birthday (hers was the day before), and all my friends went to that. She didn't wanna share her birthday I guess.i did the whole opposite action thing back then too (although I didn't realise it) and went over to her party after my major fail.. Only she turned me away. 

As for New Years, it's been shit sincere was 16. Millennium year. Id broken my ankle and my friends ditched me for a party that, again, I wasn't invited to.. No one wants the cripple bringing them down. The people having this party were my so called friends, but not my close friends. I didn't live in their little cliquey budget housing estate, I lived in an older estate just across the street.. So they excluded me a lot because of that. I stood at my door, on my crutches, and watched the fireworks and screams, feeling kinda sorry for myself and vowing to make friends to celebrate with next year.. I didn't. I'm a loner. I isolate myself to avoid the pain of being excluded and rejected and feeling so very different from everyone else. 

This New Years was just another painful reminder. I should be very pregnant by now. Getting reading to give birth. I'm still mourning the me losses that this past year has brought me. 

I hope that everyone else out there has a better New Years. Hopefully 2016 will bring something better than previous years have had to offer.