Yesterday morning I was laying down, trying to get back to sleep, when I realised that I actually *wasnt* ruminating/overthinking/worrying.. For a few blissful seconds, I was relieved.. But then the fear crept back in. Ironically, I feared the ruminations coming back. I was worrying about worrying.. But, it's like my brain shuts down *just* to give itself the energy it takes to attack later on. I became irritable after the kids I was babysitting refused to get ready, so then I began worrying about being late getting the car back to Renee, thinking about how she was gonna have a go at me.. After that was avoided, I just couldn't get out of that moodiness. Then Renee started having a go about money, after looking at the bank. She didn't bother to ask if I had money, just proceeded to freak out about not being able to pay bills. She gave me her cash to put in the bank. Well, I knew that I was being paid that night, plus I had cash. So I threw her cash back at her and told her she shouldn't assume. I know I'm bad with money, impulsive spending, but I'm getting better and she didn't even give me a chance.
So, I took the kids home as we were supposed to be going out for New Years some time after. Well, I got in the door, went to grab something to eat, and she's on me about how long it's gonna take and how we have to leave. I'd been asking her all day what time she wanted to go! She never gave me an answer.so how was I to know that I didn't have time to eat after work?? And you all know what it's like when someone gets on at you about food. I threw it back in the freezer and went off to sulk. She asked me if I still wanted to go, I said I don't know. So she said, "well then I don't wa t to go, you always have to make it my decision!" And stomped off.. We did end up reconciling last night, but it made for another shitty New Years. I just needed some encouragement and reassurance, I think. We were going to hang out with her friends. I was anxious. I was already moody. I had explained to her earlier that I was trying to implement the "opposite action" dbt skill, because I *reallly* didn't feel like going and didn't have the morivatjon, but I really wanted to do something for New Years at the same time. I wish that she could just try to be suportive.
New Years makes me feel like a total loser. As does my birthday. I've never had any friends to celebrate with. My birthday has been pretty much since my 13th bday. I had a movie night and only two friends showed up. Then they came. Ask to my house and we sat in dark until they were picked up because the light bulbs were all blown, I watched my best friends drive by looking out the window of her mums car, just about as sad as i felt, because her mum had grounded her and wasn't allowing her to come. An acquaintance was having her major party on my birthday (hers was the day before), and all my friends went to that. She didn't wanna share her birthday I guess.i did the whole opposite action thing back then too (although I didn't realise it) and went over to her party after my major fail.. Only she turned me away.
As for New Years, it's been shit sincere was 16. Millennium year. Id broken my ankle and my friends ditched me for a party that, again, I wasn't invited to.. No one wants the cripple bringing them down. The people having this party were my so called friends, but not my close friends. I didn't live in their little cliquey budget housing estate, I lived in an older estate just across the street.. So they excluded me a lot because of that. I stood at my door, on my crutches, and watched the fireworks and screams, feeling kinda sorry for myself and vowing to make friends to celebrate with next year.. I didn't. I'm a loner. I isolate myself to avoid the pain of being excluded and rejected and feeling so very different from everyone else.
This New Years was just another painful reminder. I should be very pregnant by now. Getting reading to give birth. I'm still mourning the me losses that this past year has brought me.
I hope that everyone else out there has a better New Years. Hopefully 2016 will bring something better than previous years have had to offer.
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