It's all lies...

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Welbutrin... And...Grr, pmsing!

So... I'm a little worried, as I've been prescribed Bupropion/Welbutrin.. It's an antidepressant and works on seasonal depression, which I have severely. He wants me on it all year round though, because I also get depressed as the summer dwindles away, lol.. And of course, the usual depression.


Who should NOT take Wellbutrin XL?

Do not take this mediction if you:
  • are allergic to bupropion or to any of the ingredients of the medication
  • are having abrupt withdrawal issues from alcohol, benzodiazepines (e.g., diazepam, clonazepam, lorazepam) or other sedatives (e.g., phenobarbital)
  • are taking another medication that contains bupropion (e.g., Zyban® or Wellbutrin®SR)
  • have a seizure disorder
  • have or have had an eating disorder (bulimia or anorexia nervosa)
  • have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI; e.g., phenelzine, tranylcypromine) within the last 14 days
  • have taken thioridazine (an antipsychotic medication) within the last 14 days

Like, what the FUCK!?!? and WHY NOT!?! Is it because of the *possible* weight loss side effects? The *possibility* of loss of appetite as a side effect? Or... is there something else? There are others that I've found, not mentioned there, including dizziness.. Does it trigger your old eating disorder back into action?? Because this could have happened to me =/ my doctor has my charts, he should have READ them!

Side effects:
Changes in appetite; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; increased sweating; nausea; nervousness; restlessness; taste changes; trouble sleeping; vomiting; weight changes.

So, bold is stuff that I've had, but, it could be for other reasons... The underlined stuff, I've had too, but are more likely to be from the med.


What do you all think?? I DON'T want to go back to my doc and tell him.. I'm scared that he'll take me off it! I want the weightloss side effect! The loss of appetite! I wouldn't take them to begin with, I was scared. But, I started taking them around the time that my 2nd plateau ended, I think =/ wow.. My doctor could have given me something that triggered my ED... Oh well. I needed her back anyway *shrug*... I would have eaten myself to death otherwise!
But, I'm also scared that it could hurt me? I'm not supposed to take any stimulants (welbutrin is a kind of mild stimulant), because it could cause seizures?? Like, wtf? *Sigh* I dunno..I take diet pills like normal people take candy!

Fuck, I'm also PMSing :( I *really* hope I don't binge and gain, or gain even if I haven't binged *grrr* I'm so so so so scared that I'm going to gain. Lots of times I don't gain during my monthly curse, but I gain once it's gone!?! Get that? But then it goes back down after a couple days.. I SO don't need this right now! When I lost my menses, I was told that they can still happen, inside?? I don't know if that means just like the cravings and stuff, or the gross stuff just like.. staying?? I don't think that's possible... but I know I experienced cravings and back labour (is what I call it, coz I don't get cramps, I get back pain), like every other month :s and as I got closer to them coming back, it was happening every month.

Please think of me and hope that I don't give into the pms binge!

Going to bed right now, so that I can't binge... Not much around anyway, thank gods.. but hey, this is me, I'd find something! But, *need* a loss tomorrow. This is the first time I haven't weighed more than once in a day, in a LONG time, so I'm scared.  I need to cling onto what I want *most*, fuck what I want right now. That's not important and I don't want to have to purge over a couple of fricken arrow root cookies (we have a couple of huge boxes for the boy)... So, no. Tomorrow, once I get my apples, oranges and lemons, I'll be fine! Lol. I can chomp on them through the day and maybe even help raise my metabolism. As long as I'm nibbling on something while pmsing, I won't go nuts and binge =)

Live strong, my lovelies xxx

Back in the negatives...

So, today I'm back in negative for my net cals. I made myself get off my ass and take my boy for a walk for an hour... I've felt so weak lately, that the gym seems impossible, but I'm going to make myself go, either tomorrow, or Saturday. Tomorrow is gonna be busy, so I'm not sure when I could go and with all the running around, I don't know about energy =/

I am so depressed about my weight right now, I've been looking back at pics when I was skinny. I am so FAT right now! Fuck! HOW DID I LET MYSELF DO THIS!?!?! Self destruction! I swear, this much fat is more unhealthy than any amount of underweight!

Okay, enough self pity. I just need to get ON with this. I need it off *now*. Now is not soon enough. So I am going to stop whining about it and continue to do something *about* it!

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

No More...

Starving
Withering
Hunger...
Forbidden
Her return
Unforgiven
But
Relished
...While...
Bleeding
Seething
Writhing
Striving
Go Away
Come Back!
Love Me
Leave Me
Chanting
Chanting
Chanting
Why're you so fat!
*wilting*
Forgive Me
...For...
Being
Wanting
Hurting
Crying
Yearning
Not Learning
Bones
Grating
Sharp
Obscure 
...Like...
Fingernails
Chalkboard
Mind
Racing
STOP
Shhhh
Blade
Sweet Pain
Bitter Silence
No...
...More