Needs...

...I fucking can't *stand* my needs. I hate my neediness. I don't *want* to need anything. I *need* not to need. Make sense? I didn't think so.

So, rather intelligently, I forgot to pick up my cymbalta for two days in a row. I went to pick it up on the 3rd day (I'm getting electric shocks by this time), the pharmacist tells me to take one right then and to take my normal 2 that evening. I forgot. No surprise there!

So today, I wanted to go to the gym, I popped one before I went and off I go... Oh, I also took some b12 mix, which raises metabolism etc etc.

So I go do my thing and I'm there an hour and a half ish, I was expecting to stay and hour, because I thought it closed at 5, but I lucked out! Or, so I thought.. 20 to 6, forty mins into my treadmill session and just beginning to *feel* it and enjoy it. I fricken realise that I HAVE to get to the pharm. for my meds! Damnit! Now, my electric *jolts* (by this time) have come back.. I feel like shit.

Firstly, whenever I get off the damn treadmill, I have to stand and regain my bearings. It's *always* put me off kilter, all that moving while being in one place, everything around you is stationary, then stopping and supposedly moving and the world continues to move, it makes me off balance, I have to give myself a few mins. But I didn't *have* a few mins =/ so I jump off, JOLT *cringe* dump my towel, JOLT *shake it off* while trying to regain JOLT and keep JOLT my sense of balance JOLT *arg, and I have to drive*. My legs feel heavy. JOLT. Like lead. JOLT. This makes me feel JOLT so fat, like I should stay there JOLT and work out all night, ZAP way into the wee hours JOLT ZAP *cringe* when the place is closed ZAP ZAP *cringe, tense fists* and dark.. JOLT (fuck they're even invading my JOLT thoughts) but I can't, I keep moving, JOLT. I walk fast, pounding, pounding, JOLT pounding, ZAP in my feet? JOLT. In my head? ZAP JOLT. No both. JOLT *cringe, tense*. And I'm not even at my car by this point, of course I parked in the furthest spot away. I felt like I was going to keel over. I get outside and the sudden wash of cold air sends JOLTS right through me again. I feel numb, by this point. I just need to get to my destination. Get meds. Get home. And weigh. Yes, weigh ffs!! I never cease to amaze myself!

I get to the car, yank off the headphones, that I forgot were blaring music into my head, and sink into the car, relieved. JOLT. I honestly felt like I was going to hit stationary cars as I passed them. It was such a surreal, but horrible feeling.

I don't like needing these meds. I don't enjoy it. I don't like or enjoy being on them. Sighs.

So, I didn't go to the gym for a few days, partially because I couldn't fathom the energy. The other reason was, that I wanted to see if my partner would go, if I didn't. Now, I'll go come back and say, 'I gotta go again tomorrow', and all of a sudden it's, 'oh I want to go to the gym tomorrow and my prime time is 12-2', fine by me, but wtf? So, I don't go for a few days and she has NO mention of it, she's intaking way more cals than me, like around 700 max, I think, with those kinda cals, I'd have the energy for the gym daily! But no, she doesn't bother.
So, after not going for a few days, I go and of course! She pipes up this evening, 'I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow', took no more than a few hours for her to feel the need to go, because I had. This irks me. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. It feels like she's trying to get into competition with me. She only ever restricts *because* I'm restricting. She never initiates any kind of 'diet'. I never invite her on mine, because they aren't exactly diets. Yes she's had ED problems in the past, but hasn't reach a critically low weight (that doesn't mean she hasn't struggled with it as fiercely). Like, tonight she says, 'you've lost so much more weight than me', I'm thinking, 'well I eat way less cals than you, and I eat healthy cals', but I don't say anything. I have a satisfied feeling brewing up inside me. She continues with, 'you're gonna pass me, no fair' and that just pisses me off, this is NOT a COMPETITION FFS!!! I didn't want to do this, so that it would 'trigger' you! I didn't want to do this to 'motivate' you. I am NOT your motivator! (Some might feel flattered? But, it annoys me). Just leave me alone with my shit. You haven't been 'struggling' til now ffs! At my age, you were, so leave me be. You can't say anything.

I love my son more than anything in this world, along with my lil bro, but I told her that I was not physically or mentally well enough to raise a child, or to help raise a child, yet here I am, having to do it. So when she throws bullshit in my face about doing it for him, being well for him, I have to be able to carry him without passing out, I think, FUCK YOU! Because, I TOLD YOU! I was being responsible. You were being impatient and you completely shit on our vowels.

My boy's crying and she's apparently ignoring him, so I'll maybe finish this up later.. maybe not..

Thanks girls, for your ongoing support and... just everything. Thank you for everything. I'm so fortunate to have been let in by you guys, you're great xxx

239...

...Cals for the day! Haha, almost had ya :P you don't get to know just yet ;) too ashamed to tell you my weight =/

So, I'm done for the day. I feel like a pig. My cals have not been higher than 370 in 10 days. And not higher 300 in 7. I have been in negative net cals many of those days. I'm sure I am today too, but only with general activity and BMR. Blah. Must get to the gym. Or at least get my ass on the wii or something! Something that if I fricken pass out, I'm at home and don't get banned from the gym, heh. I could pull it off if that happened, bc I'm fat, but whatever.

- 872 Thursday.
-150 Wednesday.
155 Tuesday.
-1130 Monday.

So, 3 out of 5 days were -net cals. And not too bad intake on the other too. I guess that's ok.. but it still feels like I should be doing *more* :s

I tend to keep losing during my period. Then gain when I'm done. What's WITH that??? No binges this time around, so far though. Too damn scared. I'm glad I'm scared. I NEED to be scared. Look at what I fucking did to myself. Maybe I'll post some pics of what I used to look like... Like, I'm ugly, I can't change that.. So I might scare you.. but I can change my weight, my body.

Hmmm. Dare I be brave? Lol.

So... My ramblings..

...I'm happy with the welbutrin, I don't really give a shit if it's bad for me. I think it's curbing my appetite. I'm totally nauseous after I eat. I shake my leg even more than before.. I think I'm have to make a concious effort to try to shake the other one sometimes too, or else I'll have one thin leg and one fat one! :P lmao, the image is horrendous!

I've not had the energy to go to the gym though =( I don't want to stop my trend, damnit, I just haven't been eating enough to do it. My blood pressure lowers when I'm standing, apparently. I'm not skinny, that shouldn't be happening yet ffs. I need to go so much further, so if my body starts collapsing on me now, wtf?? I'm an *overweight*, not just in my head, either. I swore I'd never let this happen again. FUCK ME!

I think it was definitely the exercise that had me all bouncy and 'peppy' (for me). The last couple of days, I've taken a fucking nap in the middle of the day! Gotten up much earlier, gone to sleep around the same, late, time.. but... pfft, maybe I need to eat a little more, so that I have the energy to burn more.. but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I mean, we went grocery shopping. Got a TONNE of healthy, low cal, low fat foods and a couple of snacks (also low cal, no fat.. like fat free yoghurt and rice cakes). And my indulgence? And apple pear and some O.J yesterday =/ (I totally berated myself for the O.J - "you could have had so much less if you didn't drink that, you fat cow".. 200 cals, in juice.. for dinner. It was my PMS allowance. I allowed myself it and I still shit on myself after (not literally, although hit 69 lbs and it might happen - just for those of you reading who think this might be fun, it's not, it's horrendous)), and today a rice cake and some cherries. She's gonna bitch at me for not eating the apples... again. I guess I was PMSing and I just wanted apples :s not cake, or cookies, or a big fat pig out binge, but apples... all day. I didn't have them :s I wolfed down a big juicy apple pear and felt like an utter *pig*.

I've been trying to walk every day though. I was on my feet for 4 hours yesterday. Grocery shopping for 2.. Shopping for clothes for my little boy for another 2.. Apparently that burned 899 cals. Wtf is it with this 99 bullshit anyway?? Lol.. Maybe it's just a sign to keep striving for my 99 lb goal. I burn cals with 9 or 99 on the end.. I spend a total of minutes doing activities that end with 9 or 99. And it's not concious either. Maybe I should be 99.9 lbs... Nah. 99 is better.

I remember lying in bed... ridden. For 8 months, maybe more. Time passed in a blur. Pain, no matter the position, because my bones were being poked by the springs in the mattress. But holy fuck, ask me to choose between then and now? And I still do not know the answer! How SICK is that?? I mean, I would *never* intentionally get that low again.. but, hell.. I never intentionally got this big either.

Holy ramble. I had nothing much to say when I began this entry...

I have major heartburn, blegh.