Welbutrin... And...Grr, pmsing!

So... I'm a little worried, as I've been prescribed Bupropion/Welbutrin.. It's an antidepressant and works on seasonal depression, which I have severely. He wants me on it all year round though, because I also get depressed as the summer dwindles away, lol.. And of course, the usual depression.

Who should NOT take Wellbutrin XL?

Do not take this mediction if you:

• are allergic to bupropion or to any of the ingredients of the medication
• are having abrupt withdrawal issues from alcohol, benzodiazepines (e.g., diazepam, clonazepam, lorazepam) or other sedatives (e.g., phenobarbital)
• are taking another medication that contains bupropion (e.g., Zyban® or Wellbutrin®SR)
• have a seizure disorder
• have or have had an eating disorder (bulimia or anorexia nervosa)
• have taken a monoamine oxidase inhibitor (MAOI; e.g., phenelzine, tranylcypromine) within the last 14 days
• have taken thioridazine (an antipsychotic medication) within the last 14 days

Like, what the FUCK!?!? and WHY NOT!?! Is it because of the *possible* weight loss side effects? The *possibility* of loss of appetite as a side effect? Or... is there something else? There are others that I've found, not mentioned there, including dizziness.. Does it trigger your old eating disorder back into action?? Because this could have happened to me =/ my doctor has my charts, he should have READ them!

Side effects:
Changes in appetite; constipation; dizziness; drowsiness; dry mouth; headache; increased sweating; nausea; nervousness; restlessness; taste changes; trouble sleeping; vomiting; weight changes.

So, bold is stuff that I've had, but, it could be for other reasons... The underlined stuff, I've had too, but are more likely to be from the med.


What do you all think?? I DON'T want to go back to my doc and tell him.. I'm scared that he'll take me off it! I want the weightloss side effect! The loss of appetite! I wouldn't take them to begin with, I was scared. But, I started taking them around the time that my 2nd plateau ended, I think =/ wow.. My doctor could have given me something that triggered my ED... Oh well. I needed her back anyway *shrug*... I would have eaten myself to death otherwise!
But, I'm also scared that it could hurt me? I'm not supposed to take any stimulants (welbutrin is a kind of mild stimulant), because it could cause seizures?? Like, wtf? *Sigh* I dunno..I take diet pills like normal people take candy!

Fuck, I'm also PMSing :( I *really* hope I don't binge and gain, or gain even if I haven't binged *grrr* I'm so so so so scared that I'm going to gain. Lots of times I don't gain during my monthly curse, but I gain once it's gone!?! Get that? But then it goes back down after a couple days.. I SO don't need this right now! When I lost my menses, I was told that they can still happen, inside?? I don't know if that means just like the cravings and stuff, or the gross stuff just like.. staying?? I don't think that's possible... but I know I experienced cravings and back labour (is what I call it, coz I don't get cramps, I get back pain), like every other month :s and as I got closer to them coming back, it was happening every month.

Please think of me and hope that I don't give into the pms binge!

Going to bed right now, so that I can't binge... Not much around anyway, thank gods.. but hey, this is me, I'd find something! But, *need* a loss tomorrow. This is the first time I haven't weighed more than once in a day, in a LONG time, so I'm scared.  I need to cling onto what I want *most*, fuck what I want right now. That's not important and I don't want to have to purge over a couple of fricken arrow root cookies (we have a couple of huge boxes for the boy)... So, no. Tomorrow, once I get my apples, oranges and lemons, I'll be fine! Lol. I can chomp on them through the day and maybe even help raise my metabolism. As long as I'm nibbling on something while pmsing, I won't go nuts and binge =)

Live strong, my lovelies xxx

Back in the negatives...

So, today I'm back in negative for my net cals. I made myself get off my ass and take my boy for a walk for an hour... I've felt so weak lately, that the gym seems impossible, but I'm going to make myself go, either tomorrow, or Saturday. Tomorrow is gonna be busy, so I'm not sure when I could go and with all the running around, I don't know about energy =/

I am so depressed about my weight right now, I've been looking back at pics when I was skinny. I am so FAT right now! Fuck! HOW DID I LET MYSELF DO THIS!?!?! Self destruction! I swear, this much fat is more unhealthy than any amount of underweight!

Okay, enough self pity. I just need to get ON with this. I need it off *now*. Now is not soon enough. So I am going to stop whining about it and continue to do something *about* it!

No More...

Starving

Withering

Hunger...

Forbidden

Her return

Unforgiven

But

Relished

...While...

Bleeding

Seething

Writhing

Striving

Go Away

Come Back!

Love Me

Leave Me

Chanting

Chanting

Chanting

Why're you so fat!

*wilting*

Forgive Me

...For...

Being

Wanting

Hurting

Crying

Yearning

Not Learning

Bones

Grating

Sharp

Obscure 

...Like...

Fingernails

Chalkboard

Mind

Racing

STOP

Shhhh

Blade

Sweet Pain

Bitter Silence

No...

...More

Deficit... BMR...

Hi gurls,

Sorry I haven't posted in a few, doesn't happen often, but I have a good excuse :P I went to the gym the past 2 days and today, I spent that afternoon with my 1 yr old son. After that, I FLAT OUT cleaned for 2.5 hours! I burned more than I did at the gym!! Lol.

I'm at a deficit of 458! It makes me feel awesome about myself. Since starting my blog.. or rather since starting my weightloss/coming back from recovery (this was before the blog), I've lost... 17 lbs! There was a huge plateau in there though, which I JUST seem to have gotten over. Since the blog, it's been 8 lbs =) That includes the 2 lb loss from today, from my second weight check of the day :s (I didn't add it to MFP though! Although, I'm scared not to, bc I'm scared it'll be snatched back =/ weird eh).

I'm still a fat cow though, heh. Gots a LONG ways to go..

So, I wanted to calculate my BMR, because I want to know how many calories I'm losing in total.

My BMR = 1668!

Factor in my activity level
Right now, I'm at least moderately active, so

My BMR = 2585!

I burned 601 today, cleaning like a crazy lady.. We have no air con and it was 30 degrees outside, so after a  while I got a fan out, but I still fell down =/ dizzy, didn't pass out though. Oops.

Anyway

2585
+
601
____
3186

That means, that if I could burn 314 more, then I would lose a lb a day! It takes a deficit of 3500 cals, to lose a lb.
Oh but weight (<-- haha, I acidentally typed wait like that, so sad!)... being in deficit counts too! So, I should be down tomorrow for sure. I need to read the website more (I got it from Jinx's blog, thank you Jinx), and figure out my BMR from the actual activities I do, so that it's completely accurate.

Might share one of my odd, thoughts/string of words 'poems' that I did today. I don't get these when she's not in my head =/ I think some of them come from 'her'.

Anyways, hope you gals (n guys) did well today =)

<3<3<3

Yay me!

157 cals for today! Net cals - (yes MINUS!) 213! If I don't weigh less tomorrow, then there's something WRONG! Lol.

Gonna read some thinspo for a bit, then go to bed... Reading Skinny, by Ibi Kaslik =)

Worried for right now, til bedtime though =/ this is my prime binge time. And when I get up to pee :s but, I will NOT sabotage myself this time! Haven't taken night meds yet and they make me want to eat, I really reallly have to find an alternate med =/

I'm hoping that by posting this, I won't do it, because it'll be embarrassing to admit! Lol.

Pins and needles/numbing in the ends of my fingers :s ugh

Gym...

So, I went to the gym today... Doing okay with the (lack of) eating, thing.

My partner is hinting today (and has previously said) that I am triggering her. Now she's whining that she's hungry, so I say, "Then eat!!" duh.. and she's like, "but I don't wanna ruin the day...." then to herself, I guess, "stop it! I'm being stupid, I'm in the mindset... cereal, have cereal". Me: nothing. What does she want me to say?

Must go to the gym again tomorrow! I've noticed that whenever I get close to my fourth goal, to this number that I'm at now, I sabotage myself, then I'm all disappointed when I've gained 3 lbs after a b/p! Like, wtf?? STOP SABOTAGING YOURSELF, IDIOT! So, I've allowed myself a little food, last time I added, I was at a deficit, I've since had some protein. I should still be under. I can't gain if I don't binge, right? Once I hit this next number, I think it will spur me on, because in all the one step forward, 2 steps back, 1 lb off, 3-7 lbs on(!), I haven't yet seen this low a number, since I dropped recovery. I can't wait to see it! And hopefully that day will come tomorrow!

Maybe if I'm super lucky, I'll skip it altogether and be even lower! *dare I dream*....

Wish me luck!

Hope you beautiful ladies are all doing well x

This is what I'll look like...

...At 160 lbs... 

Still huge, but better than I am now. I'll add these, when I reach them (no I'm not at 160 yet, I wish), until I get to a "comfortable" weight, then I'll post my progress pics (of me, lol). I'm going to take pics as I go, from now, but I'm not going to post them until I'm less and I can just go *ewww that *was* me* lol. This is my goal weight:

99 lbs

I can't wait! I think I'll look thinner, because I put in 120 something and it looked the same. My partner says she'll commit me before I reach 99 :s and she probably could... I just jump on a plane back to England *shrug*. She's not going to stop me this time.

Winter asked for the link and I figured others may want it, so I'm gonna put it here too...

My Virtual Model

Forbidden Hunger...

Fuck it... I don't wanna say it... I *hate* admitting it, but I'm fucking hungry :'( on the one hand I'm learning to enjoy it again, but on the other hand, I'm not quite there yet and I wanna stuff my fat fucking face! 360 cals yesterday... none so far today... Help!

I'm gonna go drink water, I think. I put crystal light in it, because I can't stand water, lol.

Hope you girls are having good days x

I did it! I'm all moved over :O

Stubborn old me just had to try one more thing... And I did it! Woot!

Export and...

...Delete.

I have to figure out how to do this, before deleting my old diary. Sorry WeAreAllMadHere! Can you follow me again from this blog? I made it easy *points down*!

I'm not seeing the export option that was there before though :s ack! I don't want to transfer manually, urg. But, I need to go to bed for now! I can finish the rest in the morning.

On the bright side, with all this crap (apart from it being 5 am and NO sleep), I only ate 200 cals today! I also drank a small glass of milk, with some vanilla syrup... Holy shit! Just scanned that crap in! And it's now completely OUT of my consumable foods! This is why I LOVE this app so much already, I would have figured I had around 250-300 max and I had 360!! Still, really not bad though. But all that was from a couple of corn muffin bites, the milk and the vanilla milk syrup! Hardly nutritional! Oh! but I did have a baby carrot today :P Lol.

No wonder I'm not losing the weight though! I think I'm consuming so little, but I have to factor in all these little things... Watch this space girls, it's gonna get bigger! Coz, I'm gonna get smaller! ;)

Have a lovely night/morning, wherever you are xxx

Tried fixing - I'm done! Remaking the blog...

So, I can't seem to fix my problem..so this is me attempting to start over :( hopefully it won't be too hard, sigh. If this doesn't work, then I guess I wasn't supposed to be here =/

This is gonna be hard work, blah.

My new address is very similar, at least: quodmenutritmedestruit99lb.blogspot.ca
Just -the s on lbs!
You should be able to find me, because it'll be under 'my blogs' ;)

I hope I don't have to delete and leave you guys :(

Ash x

Remaking/Fixing/Trying to make things WORK!

So, I can't seem to fix my problem..so this is me attempting to start over :( hopefully it won't be too hard, sigh. If this doesn't work, then I guess I wasn't supposed to be here =/

Wish me luck x

My Blog Is...

...Messed up! It's showing twice :/ GAH! Down the side and in the centre! WTF!?!? HEEEEELP!

Is it wrong...

...To take pics of random live thinspo girls, without their knowledge??? I never take pics of their faces and have never posted those pics, thus far. I usually take them from the back, or from the stomach down, because I don't want to be disrespectful. They'd probably be pissed if they knew! Or maybe secretly flattered if they knew *why*? But, I keep it totally anonymous..

What do you think?

Name Change...

So, I chose my last blog name (In Recovery from Fatness), because that's where I feel I'm at right now.. I have a turquoise and white braided bracelet, which is my symbol for that. Turquoise = overweight/obese. White = Recovery. It reminds me, every time I bring my hand to my mouth, that I am trying to lose the weight I gained whilst in recovery. I also have a knotted Pink (ED NOS) with a little Purple (Bulimia) bracelet.

I changed the name, because I think my partner may have seen it and I didn't want her searching it. This is my blog. For me. Where I can vent and not have to hide, or shield anyone. I don't want to have to censor and I *know* I will if I show her this. She knows I have one, I'm not hiding that. But, I need a place that's just for me. Since we met in the same support chat, we don't have anywhere online that's our *own*. This is that place for me. This name was close behind the one I had before, in choice, anyways! And I think I like it better, lol. The other one didn't quite convey the message I wanted it to anyway, it seemed kind of immature.

Love to you all x

Wintergirls Quote...2

The scale shows up on the floor, the good one, the one that does not lie. I strip, stand on it, to weigh my faults and measure my sins.
89.00
I could say I'm excited, but that would be a lie. The number doesn't matter. If I got down to 70.00, I'd want 65.00. If I weighed 10.00, I wouldn't be happy until I got down to 05.00. The only nuber that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.

The numbers are all so pointless... yet we live our lives by them and measure our worth with them. In the end, we throw goals out of the window and just say, fuck it, I'll keep going til I'm happy... Thin = happy = dead.

Awesome Calorie Logging App!!

I *had* to share this... this app has calorie/nutrition info for EVERY food! The only negative (which is also a positive in some respects) is that people can add calorie information for foods, if they're not there already, but they're not veto'd first. For example, I searched Post Just Bunches, cereal. I found 3 different results, one was 200 for 1/3 a cup (gasp) and one was 250... I would just go with the higher one, to be safe, so if it turned out to be 200, I'd have eaten 50 less than I thought, which can never be bad!

The best thing is, you can *scan* the barcode on *any* food and it will show you the actual nutrition label for that food!

It has an exercise log, a food log, calorie counter and weightloss graph etc.. now I've used these apps and websites before (It has a website counterpart), the only one that ever worked for me, was shut down for some reason. I'd given up on them because finding foods was really difficult and I often ended up having to add the food and work everything out anyway (which I still do, but this is like the perfect backup, so I can double triple check!). Well, I wasn't actually obsessing about calories before now, I tried not to let myself, but being in such a plateau led me to start counting and this app has changed the way I do that, it obsesses about them for me! Lol.
Unfortunately, it will only let you enter up to a 2 lb a week weightloss (like most weight-loss aides, Wii Fit, DS weight loss 'game', etc). It says I have to eat 1200 cals for that, but I will just eat less than that. You can find out how much you will lose, if you enter less calories in your daily diary. It told me that I would lose, I think, 19 lbs in 5 weeks if I ate 200 cals a day... If I were to add exercise, it would be more for sure... So, tomorrow after the gym, I'll put in my calorie deficit and see what I could lose with exercise. I can't go today because I don't have a sitter, my partner is out and the childcare at the gym closes at 6 :(

So anyway, it's called MyFitnessPal and I know for sure that it's available on android, iPhone, Blackberry and Windows phone, iPad too, I think. And sincs automatically from the app to the website. It's a gem! A life saver! Honestly, lol. If you can't get it on your phone, there is a website too: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/. It lets you add friends, which I think is AWESOME! It says you're 3x more likely to lose weight, if you have friend added, as you're held accountable to someone else. It's totally true, we all know that. It doesn't look like it shows peoples weights, just their loss.
 <-- Android

Will open in new window:

iTunes/iPhone
Windows Phone
Blackberry

Or just search in your respective app stores! Lol.

If you get the app and/or join the website, I'm QuodMeNutrit, please add me!

*Edit*
BEST THING IS... IT'S FREE!!!
Get it quick, because reviewers are actually recommending that it NOT be free! What are they nuts? :s Just coz they have it already, *shakes head*

My First Follower!!

Yay! I have a follower!

I love you WeAreAllMadHere!! Lol, thank you =D

Wintergirls Quote...

I'm going to start typing up some quotes from the current book that I'm reading - and I'll go back through some that I've read and pluck quotes out of those, when I have time. These can be used as thinspiration, they are for me!  

This is an excerpt from; Wintergirls, by Laurie Halse Anderson:

        Adrenaline kicks in when you're starving. That's what nobody understands. Except for being hungry and cold, most of the time I feel like I can do anything. It gives me superhuman powers of smell and hearing. I can see what people are thinking, stay two steps ahead of them. I do enough homework to stay off the radar. Every night I climb thousands of steps into the sky to make me so exhausted that when I fall into bed I don't notice Cassie.                              Then suddenly it's morning and I leap onto the hamster wheel and it starts all over again.

-I was going to stop here... but this page speaks to me and for some reason I have to include the next few paragraphs. (My quotes will usually be shorter! Unless you like them long! Lol).-

   Five hundred calories a day is working. Truth = 94.00.   Another goal weight. W00t.   I should be diamond sparkly champagne shooting to the stars, but the loudspeaker between my ears crackles on, full volume, with another goal: 85.00, 85.00, 85.00.      85.00 is dangerland. 85.00 is Fourth of July fireworks in a small metal box.
   The second time they locked me up admitted me for my own good, my whole body, including my skin, my hair, my baby blue toenails, and all my teeth weighed 85.00: 10.00 pounds of fat, 75.00 pounds of everything else.    
   Wreaths of pus-coloured fat were suffocating my thighs, butt and my belly, but they couldn't see them. They said my brain was shrinking. Electrical storms were lighting up the inside of my skull. My tired liver was packing her suitcase. My kidneys were lost in a sandstorm.

•    85.00 was not enough stuffing for a paper Lia girl.

• 85.00 was skin that wanted to shed.

• 85.00 was fluffy monkey hair growing all over to keep me warm.   

They said I had to get fatter. 

I told them my goal was 80.00 and if they wanted my respect, they'd better stop lying to me.       

When my brain started working again I checked their math. Someone made a mistake because they didn't figure in the snakes in my head and the thick shadows hiding inside the cage of my ribs. 

        85.00 is possible. I've been there before, in dangerland, sweet buzzing high gingersmoke air crafty trolls hiding under bridges.   But 85.00 makes me want 75.00. To get there I'll need to crack open my bones with a silver mallet and dig out my marrow with a long-handled spoon. 

She's so right too... If at 85 lbs, she was only 10 lbs of 'fat', if you can call it that! Then at 75, there would be no fat left to lose... All the muscle was probably already gone by then.... She'd have to scrape out her bone marrow, or more realistically, wait for her body to eat her organs from the inside out, and one by one, they'd pack their bags and leave just like her liver threatened. And this is our lives ladies... sad, but true... because we think we're going to be SO happy at that ultimate goal, but we often get there and wonder where the hell the happiness is at?? Did it get lost along the way?? Is it late arriving?? Did we miss it altogether?? OR do we just need to be that *few* lbs thinner for it to finally show up? What number will I be happy at? What number will you be happy at?


"How many pounds til I'm happy? How many pounds til I'm thin? Three more pounds til I'm skinny, three more pounds and I win!"


I see that quote all over the net, but no one writes who it's quoted from... Just in case anyone wants to know... It's from Second Star to the Right, said by main character Leslie Hiller, Written by Debra Hautzig.

Gah! Type these NON words...

...to prove you're not a bot!?! I HATE the prove you're not a bot crap! Who cares!? lol... When I'm on my phone, I can't comment, because my keyboard won't come up when I'm in that box... I have to go out of the app and go to the website, which is just a pain in the ass. Some people have approve comments *and* that turned on, no offence to anyone who does, but why? Can anyone explain to me why they have this option turned on? Do bots actually post? =/ and if they do, can't the posts just be deleted? I dunno, just an annoying little irk, no big deal, lol.

Dr. Phil... Obesity by Choice??

So, I just got finished watching Dr Phil, there was this morbidly obese lady, I think her name was Susanne, she had two kids, a husband, a sister... and she was actively, yes *actively*, seeking to attain 1600 lbs!! SIXTEEN HUNDRED POUNDS!!! She thought she was 750 lbs and was *disappointed* to find out that she was "only" 542 lbs! She wanted to be 800 by her wedding... How does someone get to SIXTEEN HUNDRED without dying first!?! The same way someone gets to 50 lbs without dying first, I guess. My lowest weight was 69 lbs and I was told I had 2 days left to live.


I have a problem judging this woman, at first I thought, 'selfish cow, she has kids, a family, they're crying bc they don't want to lose her and she thinks it's a JOKE'... but then I thought, hell she's just like us, but opposite.. she has fatorexia or something! She wants to attain a weight that will kill her, she looks disgusting, but that's what we want too, right? Most of us have ridiculously low goal weights, most 'normal' people think that we look disgusting when we are emaciated. I personally don't want to reach emaciation anymore. It *hurt*, physically, mentally.. and I look back on pictures and it really was gross. I guess wisdom comes with age... Just less wisdom than most, because I still attain to be 99 lbs. Skinny, not emaciated.


But anyway, what do you all think about a woman like this? Was it just a façade? You know how a lot of overweight people laugh and joke about their weight, to make themselves look and feel better around people? Is she just *saying* she wants to reach this ridiculous weight, because she feels it makes her look less like a 'fat slob'? Because she can make it into a conversation piece, without people judging her actual *size* and *eating habits*, but rather her *choices*? I don't know... I'd like to know what you guys think though...


She ultimately agreed to go into a treatment programme, to teach her nutrition, exercise, food balance and, ultimately to lose weight. What she ate in a day, would last most of us a few months, seriously. 20 000 calories a DAY! I could rant on about it forever, but I'm not going to, because again, I would be judging and I don't like people to judge me on my decisions and really, the same could be said about my decisions... selfish.

Hi + Blogger App! + Ana buddies!

Yay! I have blogger on my cell! I wish I knew how to snazz up my blog a little more.. Html doesn't seem to wanna work for me... Anyone know how I put a pic on my front page, with the title on it??

Anyway, I will update on who I am and a little about me soon! I didn't plan on 'opening' my blog just yet, I was just using my google account to comment.. I hope making a blog through google doesn't make a difference to my blog? I can't seem to subscribe blogs to my dashboard, just to my google reader =/ id rather have them in my dashboard bc then I can see peoples chosen layouts..

So, I just had a bowl of cereal today, no binge and no purge.. Thank you to @Jackie for helping me not to bp yesterday!

I could use another Ana buddy or 2, so that I don't put all my whining n crap on poor Jackie! Lol.. But, in return, I am just as supportive. I'll chat with you for as long as it takes for bingeing urges to pass.. Just comment and I'll send you my number =) I'm in Canada, just so you know.. I have unlimited and 30 international texts =)

Bed time now! Stay strong and think thin gals n guys x

Thinspo...

Testing... Hi!

lalalalalalalalaaaaa
Hi lovelies! I've moved from xanga bc I've been reading posts here for a bit and the community seems much more close knit and supportive! And I'd love to be a part of your wonderful support network, I hope you'll have me!
Anorexia me destruit x