Life attempt...

   So I made an attempt on my life on Sunday. I'm currently inpatient, I was in icu, I stopped breathing and they intubated me and sedated me for two days. I was angry that I was found.. I don't remember much, but I was told that the police were called because I refused to go into the ambulance. As a result, my family are sending fornmeX I've never had any real support here. Always being told that my family don't care for me, an attempt to keep me here maybe? But they've shown that that they do. I should never have listened to the cruel words that crushed me. Who wants to hear that their family don't give a shit?

   I'm terrified to go back honestly., a LOT changes in 8 years and I hate change... But I will deal.. I have to. This is my hope. I'm gutted that I will be giving up an extremely good dbt programme for borderline, but since when does therapy succeed without support? 

   I'm even more gutted that i will essentially lose my kid. We'll see if she follows through and brings him for visits, I doubt it. It's  why I didn't want a kid with her, I KNEW I'd eventually lose him. I was afraid to love him, but fell in love with him at first sight anyways.. I knew what she was like... But she did it anyway  and he's not like I could  withhold. Situation has switched now and I'm 32 and ready for a baby.. If I go ahead she's leaving me. I told her fine. I need to do this for me, so that was that. Is it just me or js that selfish? I'd even call it barbaric. She even time our marriage counsellor she was okay wth trying. Then refused to go back because she changed her mind and couldn't face her. Laughable. She actually waited til I was in my two week wait to tell me she couldn't do it and I was on my own, that is not love.

I am starting to feel Hate toward her and that makes me sad. Don't ever marry your best friend... I don't know how she could do this to me.  She literally made me want to die. 

Teen Angst...

...I just wanna get away from myself. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm in a constant brain fog. I'm so ansty and anxious, no matter what I do, I feel like I'm waiting for it to be over, so that I can move into the next thing.. Just get my life over, maybe? Hurry up and reach my natural end, because I'm too much of a damn coward to end it myself. I can't stop the train of negativity in my mind. I feel ill. All. Of. The. Time. Everything is SO fucking overwhelming. Yet I feel ungrateful. Because there are so many worse off than me. I never wanted to be here. I should have stood up for myself and left when I wanted to. Before I was drug down into this life and lost all sight of myself. I have to start thinking of myself and stop worrying what others might think or feel about me doing what I need to do for me. 

I'm struggling. I want to use so so bad.  I want to hurt myself. I want to end this pain. Enough said.

Rollercoaster Ride...

...Oh the joys of bpd. Big dip in mood yesterday.

Yesterday morning I was laying down, trying to get back to sleep, when I realised that I actually *wasnt* ruminating/overthinking/worrying.. For a few blissful seconds, I was relieved.. But then the fear crept back in. Ironically, I feared the ruminations coming back. I was worrying about worrying.. But, it's like my brain shuts down *just* to give itself the energy it takes to attack later on. I became irritable after the kids I was babysitting refused to get ready, so then I began worrying about being late getting the car back to Renee, thinking about how she was gonna have a go at me.. After that was avoided, I just couldn't get out of that moodiness. Then Renee started having a go about money, after looking at the bank. She didn't bother to ask if I had money, just proceeded to freak out about not being able to pay bills. She gave me her cash to put in the bank. Well, I knew that I was being paid that night, plus I had cash. So I threw her cash back at her and told her she shouldn't assume. I know I'm bad with money, impulsive spending, but I'm getting better and she didn't even give me a chance.

So, I took the kids home as we were supposed to be going out for New Years some time after. Well, I got in the door, went to grab something to eat, and she's on me about how long it's gonna take and how we have to leave. I'd been asking her all day what time she wanted to go! She never gave me an answer.so how was I to know that I didn't have time to eat after work?? And you all know what it's like when someone gets on at you about food. I threw it back in the freezer and went off to sulk. She asked me if I still wanted to go, I said I don't know. So she said, "well then I don't wa t to go, you always have to make it my decision!" And stomped off.. We did end up reconciling last night, but it made for another shitty New Years. I just needed some encouragement and reassurance, I think. We were going to hang out with her friends. I was anxious. I was already moody. I had explained to her earlier that I was trying to implement the "opposite action" dbt skill, because I *reallly* didn't feel like going and didn't have the morivatjon, but I really wanted to do something for New Years at the same time. I wish that she could just try to be suportive. 

New Years makes me feel like a total loser. As does my birthday. I've never had any friends to celebrate with. My birthday has been pretty much since my 13th bday. I had a movie night and only two friends showed up. Then they came. Ask to my house and we sat in dark until they were picked up because the light bulbs were all blown, I watched my best friends drive by looking out the window of her mums car, just about as sad as i felt, because her mum had grounded her and wasn't allowing her to come. An acquaintance was having her major party on my birthday (hers was the day before), and all my friends went to that. She didn't wanna share her birthday I guess.i did the whole opposite action thing back then too (although I didn't realise it) and went over to her party after my major fail.. Only she turned me away. 

As for New Years, it's been shit sincere was 16. Millennium year. Id broken my ankle and my friends ditched me for a party that, again, I wasn't invited to.. No one wants the cripple bringing them down. The people having this party were my so called friends, but not my close friends. I didn't live in their little cliquey budget housing estate, I lived in an older estate just across the street.. So they excluded me a lot because of that. I stood at my door, on my crutches, and watched the fireworks and screams, feeling kinda sorry for myself and vowing to make friends to celebrate with next year.. I didn't. I'm a loner. I isolate myself to avoid the pain of being excluded and rejected and feeling so very different from everyone else. 

This New Years was just another painful reminder. I should be very pregnant by now. Getting reading to give birth. I'm still mourning the me losses that this past year has brought me. 

I hope that everyone else out there has a better New Years. Hopefully 2016 will bring something better than previous years have had to offer. 

Blegh.

Winter is finally arriving. Snow storm overnight and I have to drive out of town for therapy tomorrow.

Trying to work up the motivation to do another crazy bpd exercise :/

At the moment though, ice taken a bit of a break from it, and I'm reading Dr Phil's 20/20. Anyone tried it? I've seen some pretty dismal reviews on it (which of course, I didn't think to read BEFORE spending like 30 big ones on the book). 

Also, has anyone heard from Rayya??

My Genes

...and Me.

The dance would be violent... Dramatic.. Lots of pulling and tearing and shaking... That would be my mother being raped. And then a baby, being torn, and her fighting to keep it.. The music would be loud and dramatic, but there would be no voices.. No singing.. Just silence.. There would be masked figures.. On one side of the room.. Lots of unknowns.. People hiding in the shadows.. On the other side of the room. Family.. Hiding and "protecting" the baby.. Me.. The baby would be loved.. Then there would be a wedding and the baby would get a daddy.. And there would be singing and happy dances.. And then several brothers would be born for the baby to play with, lots of blue and the baby would grow and the brothers would grow and they would play.. And sing and dances some more happy dances.. The daddy would get really happy.. And he would play with the neighbourhood children and make them laugh along with his children.. The purple cloudy smoke would make him so happy.. The music would be bright and happy and crazy, like an acid trip.. But then the daddy would get sad and mad and angry and sick.. And the music would turn dark and the cloud would turn black.. And a dark shadow would be cast over the family.. And the neighbourhood children would run away from the funny man who made them laugh.. But the children would be stuck.. They would be given lots of toys and gifts to keep them happy, as men and women would come and go from their house, and dance away with little packages of their own purple and pink and green hazy smoke clouds.. But they would come back and bring dark black and brown and grey smoke clouds with them and leave them in the house with the children.. This dance routine continues, it gets old and boring and the baby.. Now a girl.. Would twirl around the young brothers, along with her mother, while the daddy spins like crazy, in another room, and then again, crawl around on the floor in agony and then rolls around in his hazy smoke and comes up dancing again.. The dance would go on like this for years.. Until the mummy spins off into the other room with the daddy and twirls and jumps and bounds around in her own cloud of pretty pink smoke.. And the girl twirls around her brothers alone, like a big girl.. And then, when she was old enough, she would join the happy, crazy, sad, mad and angry dance... Spinning off into that crazy room with her mummy and daddy.. Leaving the brothers to twirl alone.. And they became mean and nasty.. Until one day she would dance off by herself, spiralling out of control, and curling up alone with a family of her own to pass the hazy smoke dance on to.. Only, she was determined that she would change the inheritance.. And choreograph a dance of her own for them, a really happy dance, leaving the fake happy smoke behind for good. 

...hmm, so I've no idea what that was, but that's how the "dance" looks in my head. 

After writing this, I think I focused of raising more than genetics. I learned what I lived, but I hope to change it. 

I hope to break free of the negative influences on my life, but I don't know if I can.. I think that I attempted to, when I left England, but I just ran from my problems, I didnt solve them.. Now, I must solve them. This is the first step in truly breaking free. 

The Angry Heart...

...so, I'm reading The Angry Heart. I've decided to put my "recovery" exercises into my blog. I'm not very good at handwriting and this'll be a 'safe' place to put all my ramblings. Get it all out, so that it can no longer eat me from the inside out.. 

...The Angry Heart, is a self help book, to overcome borderline and addictive disorders. Later, I'll type up my "Beginnings" exercise here. I'm going to start the next exercise in a new post.

Anybody...

...out there?

Good enough to foster...

...but not to adopt?

   So, I'm fostering this little beauty, I've named her Luna.

   I'll be honest, lately she has given me a reason to get up in the mornings. Someone to need me. Someone who is happy to see me each morning and greets me with a grateful wag and a loving nuzzle.. Even when she wakes me at some ungodly hour, and I tromp down the stairs all grumpy like, I see her eyes light up and my heart melts.

   I was told that fosters are given first pick to adopt. That you have 2 weeks to decide. This is what I was told when I asked after 2 days of her being here. And when I told them that i had come up with the adoption fees, they told me that I couldn't have her!?! Why? Because I live in an apartment building? 1. I do NOT live in an apartment building. I live in a condo. And while, yes, it has the look of a building on the outside, and it is a secure building by technicality, we have our own entrance/exit, in the form of double french doors. We have a yard, not fenced, but an electric fence could easily be installed. We have 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and two living rooms, our place is NOT too small for a large dog. And 2. I asked to be reimbursed for supplies, because hey, it's Christmas! And I said money is tight at the moment, but that doesn't mean that I can't afford her, I have a right to be frugal at Xmas and that doesn't mean you get the right to judge my financial situation! I can't afford to be spending money on fosters. Saying that, I bought her 3 coats because she has kennel cough and shivers mercilessly whilst outside, I did not expect to be reimbursed for those and I even said I'd cover the expense of the leashes and collars I bought her. 

   I'm beyond offended and actually quite humiliated right now. We are in a group chat on FB and they told me in front of eerypje that I couldn't keep her, after letting me bang on about it for 2 damn days, KNOWING that they weren't going to let me keep her. 

   Rescued are becoming way to anal about adopters. I filled out the same application to foster as they have to adopt. So what gives here??

   She is just the perfect fit for me and I don't know how in going to let her go. She's so damn smart. She's 11 weeks and in just a few days ive taught her to sit, she sits when I feed her and waits for eye contact and for me to say, "ok" before eating. She knows the difference between "go pee" and "go poo", and while she still has a few accidents in the house, she's learning to ask for the door. She's an awesome travel companion, just lays on the sea, or with her head on my leg, or looking out of the window. She loves driving..  and I travel a lot, I've been looking for a good travel dog.

   She warms my heart. And that hasn't happened in a long, long time. My heart is in fact quite cold, these days. 

   I'm starting to think irrationally.. Trying to find info on what would happen if I just kept her. Would they be able to call the police? It would take them so long to repossess her that I don't think they bother?? And I mean, I'm willing to PAY the fees for crying out loud.

   I'm just so lonely and she alleviates my loneliness. I don't think that this just a first foster fail. I don't think I'll feel this way about every puppy that comes through here. My dad bred pups and I'm used to seeing them come and go, I've just never had this kind of connection before.. I don't think I'll find it again :(

I just want to love my little Luna.

I feel like they're playing god... I understand concern, but they are too damn picky...

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/heavy_petting/2012/01/animal_rescue_want_to_adopt_a_dog_or_cat_prepare_for_an_inquisition_.html

#Truth

Cancer...

...and Borderline Personality Disorder.

Cancer is corrosive. BPD is corrosive.
Cancer destroys your body, mind and soul. BPD destroys your mind, soul and body.
   If I had cancer, and I'd finally been approved for a treatment to destroy it, would my wife divorce me right then? I feel like that's what she's doing now. I've just started DBT. Things will get better, but she's giving up on me on the last leg. I don't understand. And I don't understand why I care?? She's put me through hell... but, I've put her through hell back.
   When she stopped being physically intimate with me, after having Jayden I guess, and I don't just mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, everything, I withdrew... I withdrew so far into myself that I became trapped inside my own head. I became convinced that she was abandoning me, just like everyone else had. I became moody, irritated, angry.. If she even brushed against me in bed, I'd freeze, full of fear, that it might break open some of the feeling that I'd locked deep inside of myself, and that that would leave me vulnerable to emotional pain. I will do *anything* to spare myself more emotional pain. It's my biggest fear. I'd shuffle away, to the edge of the bed, bundle the blankets up behind me, make sure she couldn't penetrate the wall I'd built myself. And I'd tell myself, she withdrew from me, she left me, I won't let her hurt me anymore.
   I feel like a child. A hurt, scared and vulnerable little girl, who just needs her mummy. Often times I wish I were a child. I never did want to grow up... Aged 10, I became stressed about the double digits I'd acquired. Aged 12, I feared becoming a teenager, this is when my eating disorder really flared.. Of course, now I know why. Aged 13, I full out panicked, I did anything I could to prove that I was still a child.. yet, I had so many responsibilities. 16, 17, 18, denial. Aged 19, I full out cried when I turned 20. Refused to tell my age, I was "19 and 2 halves". it was a running joke.. but, I was deadly serious. I couldn't accept my age...
   Now, I'm 32 years old and I still feel like a child. My mind will never grow up. At 27, when I was forced into becoming a parent, I was terrified, I couldn't even look after myself... Eventually, I think I just tried to force myself to accept it.. Maybe I thought having a child of my own would force me to do that?  I can't get my childhood back, so maybe I can give my own child a real childhood. Make amends? I don't know. I always knew I wanted children. My life plan had me procreating at age 25. When I reached 25, I knew I wasn't ready. In truth, I think I'm less mentally prepared now, than I was then. Maybe I have a bigger home, but maybe I won't even have that for long...

.I am afraid.

Ruminations...

...and Realisations...

I've come to realise, that all of the self abusive and self destructive coping mechanisms... Worked. They quieted the voices in my head - my own voice - but it's more powerful than a thousand random voices. The thoughts, the ruminations, they're overwhelming and tiring.. Exhausting, in fact. They emotionally and physically draining.

I haven't used, minus one slip, in 7 months. Since before I miscarried my first baby. After having sex to make that baby, I used, because I felt guilty. But I just so desperately wanted a baby.. So, the last time I used was well before I found out I was pregnant, but of course I still blamed myself for my miscarriage :'( I told myself if I wasn't pregnant again within 6 months, that I could go use my face off... Well, I wasn't, and I did use, but I didn't use my face off.. before I did so, I put myself into a crisis/safe house, a step down from hospital.. To try to avoid the impending relapse. I got my period and I just broke down.. Here's a pic of the tattoo I got for my angel baby...

I have tried to mourn and grieve this loss, but letting go is hard.. Letting go of a dream is harder and my baby was a dream.. My dream of being a mother. My dream of being a mother with my (ex?) wife seems long gone, apparently the last 8 years have been a lie. I've been strung along, all the while, she knew she didn't want more kids.. I think she knew that when she decided she wanted to carry. She only ever wanted one, I think she knew that all along. If she only ever wanted one and wasn't prepared to budge on that, shouldn't I have been the only to carry? How can she want the best of both worlds?? She can't expect me to give up that primal desire to carry a child because she only wants one blessing. That's her choice but she couldn't give up carrying her own child? smh. I don't get it.

So, I haven't self injured in even longer  and I haven't engaged in eating disordered activities. I think, because I'm afraid of the repercussions on my body.. I'm already feeling the effects of drug use and ED eating, on my body and he's not pretty. From bone issues to bowel issues, it ain't pretty, I promise you.. My main reason for abstaining (and it seems to get harder some days, rather than easier), is because I want to be healthy to have a baby... But maybe I can't do it? Right now I'm faced with doing it alone, as a single parent.. If I have to do that, I really think I need my head shrunk first. I need to get through dbt, it's a year long intensive therapy, twice a week, groups and individual sessions.. There's a real chance of recovery from borderline (news flash: borderlines don't "recover", because like addicts and the eating disordered, it will *always* be with us, we just better learn how to deal with it), with this programme. I need to do it.. I've been waiting 2 years to do it! But, if my wife is gonna leave me, I need a clean break, which means returning to the UK, but I'm having trouble finding info on dbt back there, if I go back, I need profession supports in place. That's not an option, unfortunately, it seems that you have to ask your GP about any such therapies. Gah. 

I don't want to leave my son.. But I know that I need to look after myself, before I can be of any use to him. Even though my boy was forced on me, I love him with every fibre of my being.. That wasn't his fault, that was his selfish and impatient mother, who manipulated and tricked me into agreeing, and lied about a few things along the way.. So, as much as I feared, and tried not to at times, I became his mummy and I dread the thought of leaving him, but I've only been in this country this long because of him and his mother.. If I don't have my family, then why would I stay?? She expects me to stay.. After trapping me here.. She expects me to stay with absolutely no support network.. She's always bad her smily. She never had to leave them. She never had to be alone. She never had to rely on one single person to love and support her. She never had to leave all she held dear. She just doesn't get it. 

I feel like I've no choice but to stop trying to conceive, at least for a few months - a year (that breaks my heart right there), possibly go back to the UK, slay my dragons, and start over. 

This is just part of the shit that's in my head, on repeat, over and over. Ruminating, over analysing, overthinking, confusing the hell out of myself.

I've become a quiet, introverted person, who's afraid to express herself, because she doesn't trust anyone's feelings, least of all her own. I isolate, because I don't know how to socialise anymore.. I used to be the life and soul of the party.. But I don't even trust that anymore. I'm locked and stuck inside my own head, with my biggest fears... It's a scary place to be. 

There's a borderline quote that I'd like to share.. It describes how I feel, so perfectly, that I cried when I read it.. I could have written it myself, except that I never would have been able to find the words.. I'm hoping that coming back here.. And letting the thoughts flow, unhindered, unaltered, will allow me to find the words to express myself once again...

I'm back?

So, I'm being told over and over that I need to write again... I need to get these thoughts out of my head so that I can't curl up with them, well said by Valerie, in Girl, Interrupted. I think I was able to hold it together better and act a little more sane in the real world, when I was able to get my thoughts down and out of my head.

I've always known that I'm Borderline... "Borderline between WHAT and WHAT!??". I wish I knew.. Crazy and psychotic? Sad and happy? Dead and alive? I don't know.. But I know that blogging really helped and I only really stopped because my partner told me that I spent too much time on here, that it made me a bad parent, I guess. Well, now she's leaving me anyway (I'll get to that later), because she can't handle my emotional outbursts. Oh, but mainly because I want a child, like this is news to her?? And she doesn't. So, she pretty much lied to me from the beginning. She got her baby, that's.. okay, stop dani. Sore spot.

Anyway, before I get into the ramblings from my mind and attempting to update (if anyone still checks back here, I know it's been a while), I need to overhaul my blog... It's definitely not going to be an ED blog anymore. I mean, I still struggle with body image, I always will, those thoughts are still there, but I'm working towards being able to have a baby of my own and I can't do that if I'm not nourishing my body.. but back to the overhaul (this is what my brain is like and why I need to try to get the thoughts out, very ADD, flitting back and forth between thoughts, I hope you all can deal with that), I have completely forgotten how to do anything on here?? I can't remember how to change my background, lol.. so, any tips on diary overhauls?? Anything is better than this right now! I think I've grown up some... just a *little*, lol.

Nothing to say anymore...

I'm sorry it's been a year or so since I've actually written here. I suck at this blogging thing. I have so much going on in my head, but no words to express it. Writers block.

I love you all, still. Thank you to those of you who still check back here, or even just think about me from time to time... If my words come back, I'll write more x

Amanda Todd...

It's been a whole year, since the tragedy that was Amanda's Suicide. I've been working closely, with a lot of helpful people, along with her mother for the Light Up the World Purple project, Purple was Amanda's colour, mine too coincidentally. She was known to her mom as Princess Snowflake... I had and still have a snowflake hanging in my linen room and lights hanging on my porch, for the last 3 years or so, because I love snowflakes.. I never took them down. I have never told her mother this, since a lot of people tend to boast their similarities, I kept my similar loves quiet.

We have also been working to help stop bullying. Amanda's dream, her legacy, was The Dream of Helping Kids.

I just wanted to shout out the Light Up Event tonight... Watch out for all the places that will turn purple in honour of Amanda and of World Mental Health day. I doubt very much that she knew the tenth was World Mental Health day, when she took her life... Some things are very mysterious, but they all come together in the end...

I have more to say on this subject, but I update as soon as I can.

Love to you all x

Ashen

Quick Hi.. Amanda's Legacy...

   Hi honeys! *GASP*!! Yes it's Ashen!!! back from the depths of... nowhere!! I miss you all SO much.. I've been pretty depressed, losing/ gaining/ losing etc. I started these awesome shakes.. I'll give you the link when I'm on my computer!! I dropped 20 lbs in 3 weeks! But I didn't have the 'recommended meal' and soon found myself cutting out a shake, etc.. But either way, great results! Ppl finally noticed weightless! And the monster-in-law to boot! Sucky thing is, I ran out of shakes and decided to live off of 40 cal Popsicles/Ice lollies! Forgetting that each one has 7g of SUGAR!! I've gotten so used to counting cals and fat.. But I think I need to go back to concentrating on carbs/sugars and cals. I seem to have a hard time with sugars. I did my age old smoothie and juice cleanse and lost nothing!! 10 yrs ago I would've lost 30 lbs.. It's that time.. Age and beating on my metabolism are catching up to me..I thought by the time this happened I'd be too old to care, haha... But it's gonna last forever isn't it? I'm gonna care even if I reach 100 =( I hope I never do, honestly.. My body is already so phucked!!

   Old age only = loneliness anyways.. Kids n grand kids always too busy to visit.. I wish I could visit my nanny.. Wish I had more when I lived in England.. Now the odd phone call will have to do!

   Anyway, I'm hoping this little set back is PMS gain and not lack of shake gain, but either way if I can delve in as deep as I was before I ran out, I'll be golden!

My bratty niece had some shake but wouldn't even loan me a weeks worth, of powdered shake ffs! Aind that's only half a week to her! I'm the ONLY one that ever gave her rides or did her favours, well guess who can go *ph* themselves now ;)

I feel SO neglectful of you gals, you were always there for me and going to England just threw me right off the wagon and the bloggin.. I got back on the wagon but not the bloggin! 

   I treated Renee so bad when I was there bc of stupid drugs, that I felt bad for sitting on the computer all day reading and writing blogs.. So I started being more accessible, figuring I'd blog at night, ya know? But by then, I'mz so beat, my night owl pattern changed too.. Don't get me wrong, I still have those nights (like tonight hah, I'm soooo tired though!), but from now on I'll be using them to blog! Instead of *cough* shopping which I got trapped into tonight!!), or bathing my snake! Yes, you read right ;) he got burned by his heat pad, grrr,  so I had to bathe daily and medicate the poor guy :'(

   So, I got a babysitting job! 3-12am.. Can't do much else with my ankle screwed up.. No Nursing for me :'( but I'm looking at how to become a 911 operator!

   So. Kids in bed by 8, probably, so I can pay you all some much needed love and attention, when they're sleeping,without feeling like I'm neglecting my family!

   So.. Fingers crossed (and toes!) that it all goes to plan and I'll be reading a lot more of you ladies (and any gents, but I think I follow all girls and vice versa. Just coincidence tho!).

   Oh and when I ran out of shake, I also ran out of b12/6 combo! Arg! My life was over seriously, lol.

   Finally pay day arrived though and like I said, I have shake, just have to go buy some B12/6. 

   I've been pretty wrapped up with helping Carol Todd, with Amanda's Legacy too.. So hey! If anyone wants to buy a bracelet, tshirt or hoody let me know! All proceeds go to the legacy, which hopes to be able to help kids with mental health issues and kids that are being exploited and/or bullied, in school, online, through text etc.. It's brutal, before social media, kids could go home and get a break from it, but now it follows them EVERYWHERE, morning, day and night =/ 

   We are making a difference, which is great, but we couldn't help Hannah Smith, or any of the other damaged souls, who saw death as the only way out =( For every kid we save, there's probably a dozen more who go through with it.. But if we can just save one kid, it's been worth all the sleepless nights..  

   It's an amazing thing to be part of. It takes all of my energy at the moment.. We have a fb group: ATO = Amanda Todd Official and a sister site Amanda's Safe Haven, the only 2 sites on the web that Amanda's mom endorses and supports.. A lot of ppl have made hate sites and fake profiles, but it's actually impossible to find Amanda's FB. Only those on her friends list may see it, unfortunately there's one little punk who keeps posting things like, 'haha she dead now' and her mom cant get into it, until she gets stuff back from RMCP, where Amanda had her pws written down.. Sorry I've gone off on one again.. I do wanna say tho, that if ANY of you can get your place of work to put purple lights up and let you wear purple to work on OCT 10th (first yr anniversary and world mental health day) that would ROCK!! And pictures would be AWESOME!!

   K, I'm totally falling asleep and dropping my phone here!! Hopefully it wont be quite that boring of a read for y'all! ;)

   Thanks for listening to me ramble.. And watch this space! I love you guys!!!

You guys are...

AWESOME! I still have 38 followers, I think that's more than when I just disappeared off the face of the earth... I'm sorry I haven't been around, S.A.D sucks and having to come home from England.. Even though the way I was treated was beyond ridiculous after 3 yrs... blah.. whatever.

It totally threw me off my 'dieting' shit.. rather starving shit, I guess... But now, I'm having a smoothie in the morning, a 160 cal lean cuisine meal for supper (doesn't fill me up, but I like that, makes me feel like my stomach is shrinking, like my real stomach, on the inside - the outside is HUGE) and I have a quarter glass of skim milk in the evening with a fibre bar, because I just need the fibre.. you know how it is.. I can't get impacted again, I just don't have that in me and my family doesn't have it in them. So, if a 150 cal fibre bar stops that and I'm still losing, so be it. I'd rather not, because I *can* do without it, but do I let myself become reliant on laxatives again? I had to wean off of them before and make my body learn to do its job again, which was... uncomfortable.

I'm going to the gym, they have some awesome new machines, including 2 new Stair-masters which they didn't have before! Fuck their hard though, coz they go so slow, I'd rather run it, lol.. I finally got on one machine that I was scared of - it looked difficult and I'm SO self conscious in the gym anyway - and it ROCKED... it's a lateral machine.. I used to have the thigh lateral trainer/stepper, it was great coz it targets your butt and the spare tyre too..Another machine I love and spend a lot of time on, targets both legs and arms, but I seem to have an injury in one arm, coz after a while it hurts like a bitch, but the other arm could keep going and going and going, it's SO frustrating... but I've done this to my own body, through shit like this... I'm trying to take a slightly healthier approach, but... We'lll see.

There's not much to update on, I lost my fricken job, slipped on a build up of ice, so they let me go/I kinda quit.. Long story. The fricken ice shouldn't have been allowed to build up in the first place, maybe I'll try to find the picture of where I slipped and you guys can tell me what you think?

I'm gonna try my hardest to catch up on you all. I won't be able to go back and read *Everything* :( I'm sorry... but I'll do my best.

I'm job searching at the moment and trying to take these Canadian high school upgrades, which makes me feel stupid.. One the one hand I'm worried I won't be able to do it, because I haven't been in school for so long and the last 3 years or more, I've legally not been able to work or study, now I have my permanent residency I can at least try. But, all that time with no routine and structure has been harmful.
And, I mean... I went to a prominent, highly sought after school. I wrote an entrance exam. I had to work my way into that school and work by butt off to stay there... And take GCSE's and pass GCSE's and now I'm told it all means nothing? Like? Fuck them! But, I gotta do what I gotta do to better myself and my life, right?

Skinny + Dream Job + Family (including carrying a child for us, which will make me FAT again, but, I cross that bridge when I come to it) = happiness, right? But, will I ever be happy away from my home country and other family? Will I ever be able to get the drugs out of my damn head? Wanting and waiting for them ALL the damn time? I just wanna be numb... But, why?

Anyway...

I loves you all and I am gonna try to be around more... Try to be back!

Stay strong x

Hi x

Hi guys, I'm still kicking around, I'm sorry I've been a shitty blogger and a shitty support to you guys.. I hate where I am right now :( in every sense..

I lost my job.. Feel like a failure in every sense, too.

I have become closer to Jayden though... Renee had to go away for two weeks so it was just me n him.. We bonded and it made me feel good. It made me feel like his mummy for real, for the first time.. Not like the fraud I was feeling like before.

I'm going to try to catch up on everyone, even if its only everyone's last few entries to begin with. My computer had a virus or something at the moment, so I'm trying to fix that so that I can update and catch up properly.

Love you guys x

Sick sick sick...

...in the head, physically, emotionally, mentally.

I couldn't get my meds because I'm broke and I lost my drug card somehow?? I need money to get meds so desperately, but we re broke. Right now, 70 quid might as well be 70 000 =(

I hate money.

I broke down today, because I can't handle my addiction, the way it makes me think, feel and want. The lack of meds probably brought this on, or at least amplified it, that plus PMSing for like over a week! I Began PMSing on time, but I am a week late for my period (no, I can't possibly be pregnant guys ;).

I just cried and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. My partner held me for a bit, then had to go to bed, I wish she'd just dragged me along with her and held me some more. Instead, I lay on the futon, in the living room and cried myself to sleep. I woke up just now, having not taken my other meds, well done me, and still very upset, but calmed down a little.

I wish my family were the kind that I could ask for financial help. Those that I could, my mum, dad etc, would, but don't have it... my brothers wouldn't, but they have it.. but then, that's my own fault =(

I'm a fool.

Quick Hi...

I'm still alive guys, just so consumed by these horrid thoughts :(

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still here, still breathing, still fighting...

Love you all xxx

Bakeracted...

...sectioned, formed, locked up! Whatever you want to call it, they imprisoned me for 3 days, a week ago friday, because I overdosed and cut my wrists. Couldn't even do that properly (sorry for the gory imagery, skip the rest of this paragraph if you're easily triggered), I cut deep enough to surprise myself, I could see the vein trying to bulge out of the wound. I felt relief, until I realised that it wasn't actually punctured, sick eh? So, I took the knife and dug it into the vein, which promptly made it bleed more, but it didn't spurt or anything, so I knew I'd done it wrong. I have a deep cringe factor about wrist cutting, because it's not fleshy, I imagine the blade scraping against bone, I don't like the feel of the blade on that part of my arm, bc it's all lumpy and bumpy with veins etc and the skin is just... different there, thin and, I don't know. But, anyway.. it started to coagulate really quickly. I was so bummed, I'd wanted to do this by just cutting my wrists and taking a few sedatives and falling asleep, never to wake up again.. yes, by 'this', I mean kill myself :( I just can't handle it anymore)

So, I had taken a bunch of xanax and imovane and cesemet, which is a pill made up with the same chemical in pot, heh (and they took the whole bottle off me :| wasn't even mine!). I was kind of stunned by the blood, my partner heard me crying hysterically.. and I broke down because my drugs didn't come in the mail on time, how fucked up is that?? Then I just decided that I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't wait for drugs to come in the mail my whole life, I couldn't be away from my family anymore, I just couldn't do life. Anyway, not knowing I took pills, she promptly sent me off to the hospital, and made me promise I'd go straight there. I was quite obedient, actually. Luckily, the pills hadn't kicked in enough to impair my driving, because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to decide for myself if I should be driving or not, I was told to, so I did.

I took more pills in the car, once I'd gotten there. I wanted to make it harder for them to save me. When I went in, I figured I'd be waiting for hours, but they took me straight through. I was sneaking more pills in every time they turned their backs. They tried getting me to drink charcoal.. Get this, obviously I didn't want to drink it, I tasted it, fucking GROSS, tastes just like you'd imagine charcoal would taste, chalky, chalky and DISGUSTING! So, I poured some into the puke bowl.. it didn't look real, so I actually purged, on an empty stomach, into the puke thing, so that it looked real :s The nurse said it'd still work, hah.

So, they did a bunch of tests n took blood and stuff. Took me to medical, cleared me to go to the crisis section and stuck me in a room with two hospital chairs, the four legged hard kind and two blankets, I proceeded to take my last handful of pills - they'd already taken the huge bottle of cesemet, but I had extra shoved in my bra. I remember taking them, then looking up and laughing because there were camera's watching me :s oops.. I put the 2 chairs together (those fuckers are heavy! I guess they make them weighted so you can't hurt yourself with them) and laid out the blanket and called rogers because I wanted data to go online! Like, wtf was I thinking?? Clearly, I wasn't! I was slurring all over the place. All of a sudden I began to feel... green. I put the phone down and attempted to walk out of the room. A couple of staff came at me, I fell over and they made me sit on a chair, but I couldn't sit up straight, next thing I know, I'm on a hospital bed and they're trying to shove food into me, like WTF!?!? They were asking me if I was diabetic! No, I overdosed you fucking fool. The doctor came and woke me up, hey I was fine sleeping, thank you! The moment I opened my eyes, I would feel really fucking ill. I guess they looked back on the camera's and saw me take more pills and thought it was because of that, they didn't realise I'd been taking pills all day. They took me back to medical. Things are kinda blurry from here...
The older nurses were bitches, I needed the loo and they pointed it out, offered no help, mind you they're filling me with fluids and I can barely walk, so I need to pee often! So they brought me a fucking zimmerframe/walker thing, which I fell over on. Two older nurses come over to help me and I hear one say to the other, 'why do they do these things to themselves', like wtf would YOU know!?! Like, just IMAGINE for ONE second how I must be FEELING inside to actually DO this to myself!?! But, I was too out of it to respond.

Renee (my partner) came the next morning, I think, coz I'd called her and begged her to come. Poor girl, I ended up sleeping most of the time she was there. I made her get me food, because I was ravenous, I told her to bring me food, she brought me a peanut butter sandwich and some fibre bars, but that wasn't enough.. I made her go to the tims in the hospital and get me whatever they had, she brought back some home made pizza thing and a tea biscuit, I had her bring me chocolate (I don't EAT chocolate!), I was eating things that I would never eat, that I didn't like, bc I was a bottomless fucking pit. Well, needless to say, I promptly puked it all up, not 2 mins after I was done... and it wasn't self induced! But, I'm glad it came up all the same =/ Renee later told me, that one of the older nurses took her aside and asked her, 'do you know her well, because she just chucked all that food up' (renee had gone to the toilet), I had barely managed to grab a walmart bag, throw my dirty clothes out of it and puke into that, so I guess she figured I did it on purpose. Would she rather have cleaned it all up from the bed and the floors?? Hmmm.

I shouldn't bitch, they're just doing their jobs.. but they're not supposed to judge. The younger nurses were a lot nicer and more understanding.

Anyway, that same morning, I woke up to a nurse telling me, 'you've been formed' and points at a form on my table. So I look at it and see that I'm being held for 72 hours and possibly longer. I'm like FUCK.

I ended up having to stay another night, so I think I was there 2 nights and 3 days.

So anyway, I got a few therapy sessions (5 or less, heh thanks, what do you think that's gonna do for me!?! I need long term therapy ffs!) and an appt. with a psychiatrist next month. He did his psychiatric assessment in 5 mins flat. Wtf does he think he can find out about me in 5 mins!??? The system is fucked.

Well, now I have to get my meds daily again, I can't get my methadone once a week like I did before, bc they're afraid that I'll OD. Great. I wouldn't OD on my meth anyways, bc IF it didn't work, I'd be fucked and sick. And I have to get all my other meds daily too. Great. Really makes you want to reach out and ask for help. I mean, my goal was to die, but still.

I get a weeks worth of valium at a time, instead of a months, but I can save those. And I have access to Renee's meds. And I just found a big bottle of seroquel the other day (THE biggest reason for my binge relapse and all this fucking disgusting weight gain!! So, maybe it can help me out in getting out of this shit pit. A friend of mine almost very successfully OD'd on seroquel, it's a heavy sedative, so I think I have enough, coupled with imovane and xanax. I can just go to sleep... and..not..wake..up..sighs.

I hate my life so much right now, I hate my thoughts, my head, my everything. I love my son, but he clearly loves his momma more, kids just *know* who their mums are, especially if they're breastfed. So, he'll just forget about me. It's my little brother I'm most guilty about, I feel so guilty for leaving him just to come to Canada, to leave him forever, I'd probably fuck him right up, but.. I mean, he hardly sees me anyway, so he won't miss me as much, right? =/

Fuckit!!! I just don't know anymore.

Help me?

Alive...

...and almost kicking.

I've been through a roller coaster of emotions since I got back, I'm missing my family terribly again, as you also can probably imagine. On the up side, I've lost like 4 lbs. It doesn't nearly cover the 10 that I gained back over there, but it's a start!

I'm not really up to getting into the gory details right now, but I never break a promise (if I can help it) and I promised an update! Lol. It's a pretty lame update, especially after so long!

But, there's a lot to tell and I am falling asleep at my lappy right now, so now isn't the time to tell anything coherently!

I hated being away, I've missed you all terribly. Love you all and hope that you are doing better than I am, mentally, emotionally and physically.

If I slip away, kick my ass into gear, like Venus ddi ;) lol. And I can assure you, I will come running with my tail between my legs, lol, trust me! You guys are like a second family to me, and I *really* don't want to lose you all, or any of you.

*hugs you all  tightly* n pass on ;)

xxx