Life attempt...

   So I made an attempt on my life on Sunday. I'm currently inpatient, I was in icu, I stopped breathing and they intubated me and sedated me for two days. I was angry that I was found.. I don't remember much, but I was told that the police were called because I refused to go into the ambulance. As a result, my family are sending fornmeX I've never had any real support here. Always being told that my family don't care for me, an attempt to keep me here maybe? But they've shown that that they do. I should never have listened to the cruel words that crushed me. Who wants to hear that their family don't give a shit?

   I'm terrified to go back honestly., a LOT changes in 8 years and I hate change... But I will deal.. I have to. This is my hope. I'm gutted that I will be giving up an extremely good dbt programme for borderline, but since when does therapy succeed without support? 

   I'm even more gutted that i will essentially lose my kid. We'll see if she follows through and brings him for visits, I doubt it. It's  why I didn't want a kid with her, I KNEW I'd eventually lose him. I was afraid to love him, but fell in love with him at first sight anyways.. I knew what she was like... But she did it anyway  and he's not like I could  withhold. Situation has switched now and I'm 32 and ready for a baby.. If I go ahead she's leaving me. I told her fine. I need to do this for me, so that was that. Is it just me or js that selfish? I'd even call it barbaric. She even time our marriage counsellor she was okay wth trying. Then refused to go back because she changed her mind and couldn't face her. Laughable. She actually waited til I was in my two week wait to tell me she couldn't do it and I was on my own, that is not love.

I am starting to feel Hate toward her and that makes me sad. Don't ever marry your best friend... I don't know how she could do this to me.  She literally made me want to die.