Amanda Todd...

It's been a whole year, since the tragedy that was Amanda's Suicide. I've been working closely, with a lot of helpful people, along with her mother for the Light Up the World Purple project, Purple was Amanda's colour, mine too coincidentally. She was known to her mom as Princess Snowflake... I had and still have a snowflake hanging in my linen room and lights hanging on my porch, for the last 3 years or so, because I love snowflakes.. I never took them down. I have never told her mother this, since a lot of people tend to boast their similarities, I kept my similar loves quiet.

We have also been working to help stop bullying. Amanda's dream, her legacy, was The Dream of Helping Kids.

I just wanted to shout out the Light Up Event tonight... Watch out for all the places that will turn purple in honour of Amanda and of World Mental Health day. I doubt very much that she knew the tenth was World Mental Health day, when she took her life... Some things are very mysterious, but they all come together in the end...

I have more to say on this subject, but I update as soon as I can.

Love to you all x

Ashen

Quick Hi.. Amanda's Legacy...

   Hi honeys! *GASP*!! Yes it's Ashen!!! back from the depths of... nowhere!! I miss you all SO much.. I've been pretty depressed, losing/ gaining/ losing etc. I started these awesome shakes.. I'll give you the link when I'm on my computer!! I dropped 20 lbs in 3 weeks! But I didn't have the 'recommended meal' and soon found myself cutting out a shake, etc.. But either way, great results! Ppl finally noticed weightless! And the monster-in-law to boot! Sucky thing is, I ran out of shakes and decided to live off of 40 cal Popsicles/Ice lollies! Forgetting that each one has 7g of SUGAR!! I've gotten so used to counting cals and fat.. But I think I need to go back to concentrating on carbs/sugars and cals. I seem to have a hard time with sugars. I did my age old smoothie and juice cleanse and lost nothing!! 10 yrs ago I would've lost 30 lbs.. It's that time.. Age and beating on my metabolism are catching up to me..I thought by the time this happened I'd be too old to care, haha... But it's gonna last forever isn't it? I'm gonna care even if I reach 100 =( I hope I never do, honestly.. My body is already so phucked!!

   Old age only = loneliness anyways.. Kids n grand kids always too busy to visit.. I wish I could visit my nanny.. Wish I had more when I lived in England.. Now the odd phone call will have to do!

   Anyway, I'm hoping this little set back is PMS gain and not lack of shake gain, but either way if I can delve in as deep as I was before I ran out, I'll be golden!

My bratty niece had some shake but wouldn't even loan me a weeks worth, of powdered shake ffs! Aind that's only half a week to her! I'm the ONLY one that ever gave her rides or did her favours, well guess who can go *ph* themselves now ;)

I feel SO neglectful of you gals, you were always there for me and going to England just threw me right off the wagon and the bloggin.. I got back on the wagon but not the bloggin! 

   I treated Renee so bad when I was there bc of stupid drugs, that I felt bad for sitting on the computer all day reading and writing blogs.. So I started being more accessible, figuring I'd blog at night, ya know? But by then, I'mz so beat, my night owl pattern changed too.. Don't get me wrong, I still have those nights (like tonight hah, I'm soooo tired though!), but from now on I'll be using them to blog! Instead of *cough* shopping which I got trapped into tonight!!), or bathing my snake! Yes, you read right ;) he got burned by his heat pad, grrr,  so I had to bathe daily and medicate the poor guy :'(

   So, I got a babysitting job! 3-12am.. Can't do much else with my ankle screwed up.. No Nursing for me :'( but I'm looking at how to become a 911 operator!

   So. Kids in bed by 8, probably, so I can pay you all some much needed love and attention, when they're sleeping,without feeling like I'm neglecting my family!

   So.. Fingers crossed (and toes!) that it all goes to plan and I'll be reading a lot more of you ladies (and any gents, but I think I follow all girls and vice versa. Just coincidence tho!).

   Oh and when I ran out of shake, I also ran out of b12/6 combo! Arg! My life was over seriously, lol.

   Finally pay day arrived though and like I said, I have shake, just have to go buy some B12/6. 

   I've been pretty wrapped up with helping Carol Todd, with Amanda's Legacy too.. So hey! If anyone wants to buy a bracelet, tshirt or hoody let me know! All proceeds go to the legacy, which hopes to be able to help kids with mental health issues and kids that are being exploited and/or bullied, in school, online, through text etc.. It's brutal, before social media, kids could go home and get a break from it, but now it follows them EVERYWHERE, morning, day and night =/ 

   We are making a difference, which is great, but we couldn't help Hannah Smith, or any of the other damaged souls, who saw death as the only way out =( For every kid we save, there's probably a dozen more who go through with it.. But if we can just save one kid, it's been worth all the sleepless nights..  

   It's an amazing thing to be part of. It takes all of my energy at the moment.. We have a fb group: ATO = Amanda Todd Official and a sister site Amanda's Safe Haven, the only 2 sites on the web that Amanda's mom endorses and supports.. A lot of ppl have made hate sites and fake profiles, but it's actually impossible to find Amanda's FB. Only those on her friends list may see it, unfortunately there's one little punk who keeps posting things like, 'haha she dead now' and her mom cant get into it, until she gets stuff back from RMCP, where Amanda had her pws written down.. Sorry I've gone off on one again.. I do wanna say tho, that if ANY of you can get your place of work to put purple lights up and let you wear purple to work on OCT 10th (first yr anniversary and world mental health day) that would ROCK!! And pictures would be AWESOME!!

   K, I'm totally falling asleep and dropping my phone here!! Hopefully it wont be quite that boring of a read for y'all! ;)

   Thanks for listening to me ramble.. And watch this space! I love you guys!!!

You guys are...

AWESOME! I still have 38 followers, I think that's more than when I just disappeared off the face of the earth... I'm sorry I haven't been around, S.A.D sucks and having to come home from England.. Even though the way I was treated was beyond ridiculous after 3 yrs... blah.. whatever.

It totally threw me off my 'dieting' shit.. rather starving shit, I guess... But now, I'm having a smoothie in the morning, a 160 cal lean cuisine meal for supper (doesn't fill me up, but I like that, makes me feel like my stomach is shrinking, like my real stomach, on the inside - the outside is HUGE) and I have a quarter glass of skim milk in the evening with a fibre bar, because I just need the fibre.. you know how it is.. I can't get impacted again, I just don't have that in me and my family doesn't have it in them. So, if a 150 cal fibre bar stops that and I'm still losing, so be it. I'd rather not, because I *can* do without it, but do I let myself become reliant on laxatives again? I had to wean off of them before and make my body learn to do its job again, which was... uncomfortable.

I'm going to the gym, they have some awesome new machines, including 2 new Stair-masters which they didn't have before! Fuck their hard though, coz they go so slow, I'd rather run it, lol.. I finally got on one machine that I was scared of - it looked difficult and I'm SO self conscious in the gym anyway - and it ROCKED... it's a lateral machine.. I used to have the thigh lateral trainer/stepper, it was great coz it targets your butt and the spare tyre too..Another machine I love and spend a lot of time on, targets both legs and arms, but I seem to have an injury in one arm, coz after a while it hurts like a bitch, but the other arm could keep going and going and going, it's SO frustrating... but I've done this to my own body, through shit like this... I'm trying to take a slightly healthier approach, but... We'lll see.

There's not much to update on, I lost my fricken job, slipped on a build up of ice, so they let me go/I kinda quit.. Long story. The fricken ice shouldn't have been allowed to build up in the first place, maybe I'll try to find the picture of where I slipped and you guys can tell me what you think?

I'm gonna try my hardest to catch up on you all. I won't be able to go back and read *Everything* :( I'm sorry... but I'll do my best.

I'm job searching at the moment and trying to take these Canadian high school upgrades, which makes me feel stupid.. One the one hand I'm worried I won't be able to do it, because I haven't been in school for so long and the last 3 years or more, I've legally not been able to work or study, now I have my permanent residency I can at least try. But, all that time with no routine and structure has been harmful.
And, I mean... I went to a prominent, highly sought after school. I wrote an entrance exam. I had to work my way into that school and work by butt off to stay there... And take GCSE's and pass GCSE's and now I'm told it all means nothing? Like? Fuck them! But, I gotta do what I gotta do to better myself and my life, right?

Skinny + Dream Job + Family (including carrying a child for us, which will make me FAT again, but, I cross that bridge when I come to it) = happiness, right? But, will I ever be happy away from my home country and other family? Will I ever be able to get the drugs out of my damn head? Wanting and waiting for them ALL the damn time? I just wanna be numb... But, why?

Anyway...

I loves you all and I am gonna try to be around more... Try to be back!

Stay strong x

Hi x

Hi guys, I'm still kicking around, I'm sorry I've been a shitty blogger and a shitty support to you guys.. I hate where I am right now :( in every sense..

I lost my job.. Feel like a failure in every sense, too.

I have become closer to Jayden though... Renee had to go away for two weeks so it was just me n him.. We bonded and it made me feel good. It made me feel like his mummy for real, for the first time.. Not like the fraud I was feeling like before.

I'm going to try to catch up on everyone, even if its only everyone's last few entries to begin with. My computer had a virus or something at the moment, so I'm trying to fix that so that I can update and catch up properly.

Love you guys x