I HATE TOM! Time for... Ketosis...

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I've been so stressed. I have like a 1000 more grey hairs! :| I noticed my first grey... well, silver to be technical... hairs, when I was 19! Fucking 19! But, hey, in 9 years, you'd think it would have spread all over, but I'm not all silver yet! On the plus side, when I dye my hair, it makes these wicked highlights... In a couple weeks, I'm gonna dye my hair red, I'll post pics. Can't do it yet, because I just had a pretty harsh chemical put on my hair, so I have to wait.

So, I decided that I wanted to fast. Fucking bitch of the month is due. I bloat. I hate it. And, I practically binged. Night binge, I was barely awake *cries* 2 fibre bars, a few handfuls of fibre cereal, a bagel. A 5 cal jello. A 60 cal pudding cup. And milk =| I was so ashamed of myself. I had fallen asleep on the couch.. I woke up at one something, turned everything off, went on my way to bed, I have to walk through the kitchen to get to my room.. and all of a sudden, I'm eating. FFS! I barely ate the last time the bitch came. I've been eating a bowl of salad, with zero fat, cal, carb caesar dressing. And a 50 cal rice cake or 2, each day.

I went up the 3 lbs I lost after the binge. So, the next day I fasted. I had an energy drink to get me through the day, unfortunately it was a 100 cal energy drink, with like 25g of sugar :| I had a long drive to go get my hair done, and some idiot had woken us and the baby at FIVE AM, knocking and banging on our door, only to have the WRONG FREAKEN ADDRESS!!! Who DOES that!?!

So, when I weighed last night, I was down 3.5 lbs. I haven't weighed today yet. I'm starving. Today, I was going to make sure I consumed no sugar, so that I could enter ketosis. But FUCK (butt fuck, hah), I went to get my meds, took it without even thinking, as I was drinking (it's 60 mls of juice), I was like FUCK! So, that screws today. I mean, I don't have to let it screw the whole of today, because it was early, but my meds are all that way for the next 2 days... And it would be an INSTANT reset. a ml of juice will crap you right out of ketosis INSTANTLY... And it takes 3 days to get back there again. Fortunately, my meds are in the form of pills - to take with me to England. Unfortunately, I have to pay for them :( - same COST for the pills, but not covered, like WTF?? - so I'm going to fast 4 days on, 3 days off. The body enters ketosis after the 3rd day, so I'll at least get a days worth of its benefits. I wish I could do more, but I don't want to ruin the whole time for everyone, because I'm not eating. I guess I could just eat my chicken. No carbs, so I could still enter ketosis, still get amazing weight loss results... but, I want ALL the great results of fasting, the regeneration, the healing, the age reversal (not sure if I believe this one entirely, but it does wonders for your skin and that alone makes you look younger, purer), everything. I thought I would crack yesterday and eat, but I didn't, because I couldn't :s doesn't make much sense, huh? I mean... I wanted to eat, but I couldn't make myself get up, go to the kitchen and make something, couldn't do it. If someone had put something in front of me (if it was a salad), I may have... but, I'm SO not making sense.... moving on.

I don't know how or when I'm going to be able to weigh when I'm there. I'm SO anxious about this. Partner is anxious about the plane journey with our son, etc, and me? I'm anxious about when I can fucking WEIGH! I'm SO shallow. But, to be fair, I'm not worried about the plane journey, because I've done it so often. I've done it with a kid a couple of times too so, I'm simply not worried. I'm thinking of stashing my scale in the bottom of the suitcase. Heh. Probably would get broken anyway... Fuck. I have to weight right *now*.

I haven't been around the past few days, because I've been stressing about money. How we're gonna afford our meds to take, etc etc. The bills we have to pay while we're away, but not even using the services for! And I mean, we're so behind. Partner got a new phone on the phone insurance, bc hers broke, and that cost $150, so that put us right behind on the cell phone. We were paid over a $1000 less that month due to some screw up, so we're behind on cable too. I want to cut them off for the two months we're gone, but she has an employee plan for her cell phone, which makes it hella cheap and if we cut it off, she loses it. That would suck. So, I don't know what to do there. Paying 800 in rent for an empty place, sucks butt as it is, lol... But, that's life. I wish we were moving. I want to move anyway. But.. Thankfully, we have been approved for a credit card increase, so we can get our meds and if anything comes up, emergency wise, we should be okay. The LAST thing we need is MORE credit card debt, but whatever. We'll figure it out. I can't wait to be able to work. I've been thinking about at least getting a weekend job when I'm over there. But... it seems to unfair, bc it will take time away from all the people I need to catch up with, ya know?


I'm so fuckin anxious about weighing. I'm still not going to eat today. I really just don't want to. I need this weight to come off faster and I'm terrified of getting stuck in another plateau after my period is done. I never fully recovered from last months. Like, 3 lbs??? In 3 weeks! I mean, I could eat 1200 cals a day and do better than that! I've been averaging around 300 =/ I SHOULD be losing faster, but my fucking body is somehow managing to hang onto fucking fat and crap from SALAD and a couple of fat FREE rice cakes! Like FUCK. I KNOW I have totally SCREWED up my metabolism over the years, I tried being good. I tried retraining it. But, it takes the patience of a saint! I need to lose and THEN retrain and focus on not getting refeeding syndrome *then*, 'cross that bridge when I come to it', sort of thing. Right now, I just want to fast it all away. I just want to get down to the next set of numbers. 25-30 more lbs and I can start to feel a tad better. It should be OFF by now.  


I'm sorry this post is all over the place =/ my thoughts are like that today, so... I guess it makes sense.


P.s- I have no idea why half this post has a white background :s Blogger, wtf??
Hmm, well I tried to fix it, but there's not a dark enough colour to match. Weird.

Fat "Anorexic"...

I have that 'anorexic' mindset again and it is absolutely TORTUROUS being *really* fat with it. I was watching a documentary on anorexia etc and how hard it is when anorexics relapse from recovery, at a normal or over weight, weight. No one can tell you that you aren't actually fat, because you medically are. And so you feel like you have every right and that you're somehow justified in starving yourself. That's where I'm at right now.

My 2 lbs stayed off. I lost another. So, 3 down since the plateau started. So, seeing a number that I haven't seen in a while. That makes me feel a tiny bit relieved. Was the same today, didn't go down, but didn't go up either *phew*. I need to get to the gym. I've been researching stuff and apparently, a low cal + high exercise routine can really stick you in a plateau. I'm going to try calorie cycling. I could do carb cycling (kind of like 2-4-6-8 diet), but I'm going to try calorie first. Carb requires high protein and as sad as it sounds, with the trip to England so close, I just can't afford to spend a bunch of money on chicken and fish and stuff. And I'd get pretty sick of eggs real fast. Salads are cheap, good and healthy. I just have to get my cals up a couple days a week. Scary. I don't set out to starve everyday any more. I just *don't* get hungry. I don't want to eat. It's not like, 'I sooooo want a piece of cake, but I can't have it' (so, sometimes it is, but mostly), it's like, 'I'm not even thinking about cake right now.. or.. anything really'. I wish it would stay this way. Haven't wanted to binge. Have to fight with myself to *have* a fibre bar or something to bring my cals up (so that I can lose weight! and not fucking plateau!), rather than fighting with myself not to have it. I shouldn't complain... but, it's not good for my metabolism, so not good for my weight loss. I'm just hard-wired to think that food = fat = bad. Which is not necessarily so!

If you're going to do starvation mode calories (starvation mode is *never* good for your metabolism, it'll start moving at a snails pace), then you apparently should concentrate on strength training, over cardio. Getting some cardio in is obviously important for heart health etc, but I need to keep my muscle tone up (and in my case *build* muscle), so that I'm actually losing fat lbs and not muscle lbs. Muscle weighs more, sure, but without it, you cannot burn fat. That's where the term 'skinny fat person' comes from. Often skinny people, who aren't toned, have a higher body fat percentage than someone who weighs more and is more muscular. A lot of anorexics actually have a high body fat percentage. Crazy, eh?

So, maybe I'll do my woods trail a few times a week, instead of every day. And strength training in the gym the other days.

I'm gonna go to the gym tonight and get acquainted with the strength training machines, that I've really wanted to try, but haven't had the guts, because I don't wanna do it wrong and be laughed at, heh. Apparently, I can't ask for advice from the qualified fitness trainers, that I pay membership to take advantage of their knowledge etc. *Sigh*. I'm going to go late though, so hopefully it's dead in there.

So, good cals. Lots of strength training. Some cardio. I feel like I can do much better with strength training anyway. I *hate* cardio, lol. I like how I feel after though, so it makes it worth it.

A protein, complex carbs: one fibrous carb (like broccoli) and one starchy carb (like a sweet potato, or brown rice). The more you want to lose, the less starchy carb you have. Hmm. Makes sense.

I finally got the Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle package. I couldn't afford 40 bucks, so I closed the page, it said, 'we'll enter you to win a holiday to show off your new beach body, blah blah', I was like whatever, I close it again, it's like, 'no wait, stay... pay 5 bucks, try it out for 21 days (it's a 49 day programme) if you like it pay the rest later and get the rest of the programme'. I'm like, I can do that. Seems fair. It's not a fad diet, that's the best thing. It's a lifestyle change. It tells you how the weight-loss industry keeps sucking you in and stealing your money, whilst trying to keep you fat, so that you keep spending. No more diet pills for me. Skinny doesn't come in a pill. SO true. Reading through it is going to be more challenging than implementing it. It's LONG. But very interesting. And it makes a lot of sense, so far.

Trying to make my unhealthy relapse, a little healthier.

Don't starve girls, it's not pretty. And you know what? You'll lose a lot MORE weight by eating and nourishing your body (yes, I'm a hypocrite, but it's become *hard* to eat) and exercising. And the best thing? You'll *keep* it off. Re-feeding kills it every time.

Love to you all x

What my ED has cost me...

This question was asked by, Ruby-tuesday. Thanks for the inspiration, Ruby *love* x

Basically, my reply was too long (not a good thing), so I decided to post it here:


As for me...
*I've lost friends
*Lots and lots of friends, I barely have any (and the ones I do have, I have just met, or just reconnected with).. 
*I lost certain family members, who just couldn't see me suffer anymore... I didn't reconnect with them in the same way, ever again.
*I lost School =( this was traumatic for me, I still regret it to this day, I dream about second chances
*I lost my sanity at one point, no really.
*I lost my pride. My dignity. Several times.
*I lost the use of my bowels. Not control, but *use*
*I lost my pride. My dignity.
*I became impacted
*I lost my pride. My dignity.
*I had to have surgery. Surgery for impactions, is an extremely humiliating process, thank gods I was out for the whole thing.
*I was very, very close to vomiting my own poop, because it had nowhere else to go but back up and again
*I lost my pride. My dignity. My independence, because..
*My mum helped me into the bath one night, gasped in horror at how much I'd wasted away and
*I lost my voice, my control, because she..
*Forced me to eat (WORSE thing she could do at that time, medically, emotionally, physically). 
Thankfully, it didn't cause me to vomit faeces. 
*It took 8 months *straight* of my life, bedridden
*Twice* 8 months x2
*Caused me to be bedridden
*Pride. Dignity. Independence
*Unable to move for pain, lack of energy and mostly
*For fear of passing out.
*I would sometimes pass out from trying to *sit*.
*I would *always* pass out if I tried to stand.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. By now, these words have lost meaning to me, but I felt it, I just learned to numb those feelings
*My mum had to take care of me, at 16, 17 & 18. She should have just been getting rid of me!
*It caused me guilt and
*I lost my awesome relationship with my mum for a while, because 
*I became a burden. To her. To everyone.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. Strength.
My mum didn't notice how dire the situation had become, because I was laying in bed for months, she didn't see the further drastic weight-loss, until that dreaded bath (which also saved me). 
*It took my DIGNITY. Moment of mental clarity?
*It cost me my relationship with my brothers. They didn't understand. It made them angry. They threatened to force feed me and I wouldn't have been able to stop them. They still call me fat to this day though. They are ignorant.
*It cost me my physical strength. It made me vulnerable, so
*I lost my security, sense of safety.
*I lost my confidence. Any that I had left by that point, anyway... she takes the rest.
*I lost my self esteem. Same as above
*I lost my *FEAR* and that made me careless. I didn't care if I lived or died any-more. As a result;
*I was given 2 days to live. More like, two days to die... I had long before, forgotten how to live.
*I lost my heart (not literally)
*I lost my will. My will to live.

First time around, I was given the option to 'go quietly', or I would be sectioned. I went attempting, rather pathetically and uselessly, to kick and scream, but calmed down enough to go in voluntarily. The second time around, the time I was given 2 days, I was so weak, the paramedics had to carry me to the ambulance and let's face it, I wasn't any heavier than a child.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. - so long gone by now... but,
*They had to pick me up in my own piss and shit, pretty much.

And
*I lost a tooth. Menial in comparison, but my teeth are important to me
*I lost mouth, gum and teeth health, it took me many years to bring them back to healthy standard. A dentist once asked me if I brushed my teeth! They were so filled with plaque and stains from purging =(
*I lost my health.
I have so many "uncomfortable" health problems now, like I'm getting signs of arthritis. My neck, back left foot, all bones really, are shot. My muscles are more than shot. I hurt everyday. Glam? Thought not.



One of the most devastating things to me is..
*I could have lost my fertility. I don't know yet.


I am telling you everything here, total honesty. Things I would usually leave out, because I want people who don't know what eating disorders do (and I know many of you do, but there are those who *think* they want this), to know that they are NOT glamorous. They are putrid. And smelly. Literally. Whether from vomit, or shit or just plain depressing crappiness, they stink! There is no glamour here. Did any of that sound 'glamorous' or *worth* losing weight for?

*I lost my LIFE. And it is STILL TAKING OVER MY LIFE!*

Whether in recovery, which always leads to binge eating for me, whether actively involved in my eating disorder, whether I'm bingeing and purging, starving, fasting, restricting... It has every part of me in some way or another. I obsessively count, count, count.. Calories. LBS. Fat g. Carbs. Fibre content. Sugar content. I obsess over what goes in and what comes out - calories in/calories out. Calories out *have* to be more, or I lose it! The number on the scale, depicts the mood for my day, literally. I just hope with the proper help and support, that one day I can get through this, with the demons buried far enough, that I can overpower them. 

*I have gained a lifelong battle*

I have also gained YOU. Yes, you reading this.  It is the only good thing to have come out of ANY of this, is that, over the years, I've met, become close to, helped and befriended many beautiful and brilliant young women. All sadly struggling =(

You are beautiful. Say it now. I AM BEAUTIFUL. Hah, there you said it, read it, whatever. Now, take small steps to believe it =) Try to say it in the mirror every day, seriously. Because you are the most beautiful, supportive, non-judgemental people I know. 

x I love you all x

Helpful links...

I've just been cleaning out my email and I found some helpful stuff... Some of it is geared towards winter, but heck, it can be used all yr round in my opinion!

Enjoy!

Ten Healthy Snacks For Couch Time

Stay Fit (Holiday season, scmoliday season! Stay fit EVERY season!)
We're travelling soon, so that's definitely some helpful tips for me! Can you believe I didn't think of just taking a work out DVD with me!? Pfft, stupid! I was devising ways to sneak into my old gym! Lmao.. And thinking that I could borrow a bike, walk the dog etc etc.. now I can do (nearly) all of that and just get my video in! Duh!



Low Calorie Snack SURVIVAL Guide!
Just NEED to eat something, to stop the dreaded binge!? Go with one or even two (if you need it) of these options:

NINE Appetite Suppressing Foods - Help conquer cravings
Hmmm, interesting *rubs chin*


This one is great for me!:
SIX Ways to Avoid Night-Time Snacking!
I don't get hungry ALL day, I force myself to eat a 50 cal snack every so often throughout the day, to help boost my metabolism... I don't know if it's working yet, I'm down 2 lbs again, but it's the *same* 2 lbs that I keep losing and gaining and losing and gaining (and hopefully losing for the last time, this time! I can't take it any more, the scales are fucking with me! Taunting me. Excitement. Disappointment. Anger, Frustration. Excitement. Disappointment, etc etc..). I could SO easily fast, if I could get through the late evening, and I'm talking 10pm hits and I want food. I can't even get in the liquids in for my liquid fast :s and I'm struggling to force food down, so WHY am I not losing??? Maybe a fast is what I really need.
Today, I told myself I could eat whatever I wanted. I forced down 2 rice cakes (50 each) - on separate occasions - breakfast, lunch, bc I just wasn't hungry. Had half a Naan bread (150 *gasp*) and teaspoon of low-fat masala dressing (25). I was telling myself that I could have fibre bars, granola bars, cereal, *anything* (to kick-start my metabolism), but I couldn't do it... I just couldn't :s and I *refuse* to eat late at night, bc it will stick.. I'm terrified it will stick. So, that's it for me today. I might have a 25 cal freezie thing, which will bring it to 300 even. And I've burnt some of that off today.


Big Breakfast = Big Results (Crazy!)
I don't know how I'd force all that down! Maybe just have the breakfast and nothing else??? :s But an average of 40 versus 9 lbs!?!?! Like, holy cow! It HAS to be worth a try!


SEVEN Low Cal SUMMER Snacks!
Much better than munching down that ice cream!


A little Weightloss tip/help? Maybe...
Think I'm gonna try this one myself!


Okay, that's enough from me... there was one more I wanted to add, but I can't find it... Possibly because I let time slip away again and it's fucking 4 am! Said I was going to bet at 1.. then 2.. then definitely by 3... Wonder if I'll get in before 5?? :/ fuck, I have to get up early tomorrow too, or I miss my damn meds. Didn't get them today, but luckily, *somehow*, don't ask me how, I had a days dose extra... I think I might be able to go down, because I'm obviously not noticing when I miss a dose. I take my dose split in two, so I guess sometimes I take it and forget to take the other half... So, I always get some in me... This never happens when I'm eating properly.. Maybe it's the power of the lack of food?? The body in starvation mode, concentrates on food in etc, more over meds in?? I don't know.. but, some days I totally notice and *need* my second half, other days, apparently, I don't notice til the end of the week and there's extra left over :s so weird... I'm not gonna tell my doc yet though, bc he can only give me 4 of the 8 weeks worth that I need for travelling to England, so the extra will last me longer, as I cut down (NOT the best place to cut down, because I'll be around all those old triggers/environment :s oh well, we'll see if I can be strong...).. But, if my doc back home doesn't help me out, I guess I guess have to somehow make do.

Okay, almost 4 am for real now, have to brush my teeth and try to be in bed in the next 3.. er 2 mins! NOT gonna happen! Lol.

As for the links, just browse around, above and below the posts, there are more links to other really helpful and interesting stuff.. You can learn a LOT from that site! Love it!

And love you gals! Night x (or morning for some of you! Lol).

P.s- oh and I tried caffeine pills! (With an energy drink, duh). A step down from ephedra for sure! But, still interact with my welbutrin, but not *nearly* as bad, or as dangerously... I'll tell you how I reacted on the next post! Lmao x

Haha, it's 4 am! Oh well!

DON'T DO IT!!!

This deserved a post all it's own... (I'm working on a blog with helpful links, but wanted to paste this one in separately!).

(borrowed from) Test Your Fast Food Breakfast IQ! 

By Monica Gomez

If you read Joe's article, you know that eating a big breakfast can actually be healthy for you by helping with weight control. But he also warns that a McDonald's big breakfast isn't exactly going to make the cut for improving your health. If all you make time for is a fast food "big breakfast," what exactly are you getting? Rank the following fast food breakfasts from highest to lowest calories.

1. IHOP Stuffed French Toast Combo: 1,476 calories. Yep. That's 1,476 calories consumed, all before lunchtime! Some people consume that many calories in a day. Impressive! Of course, when you look at what this combo contains, you won't be surprised: Cinnamon raisin French toast stuffed with sweet cream cheese filling, topped with cool strawberry or your choice of fruit compote and whipped topping. Served with two eggs, hash browns, two bacon strips, or two pork sausage links. This breakfast packs quite the punch, to your stomach and your fitness goals. I'd skip it. The Stuffed French Toast Combo also contains 76.2 grams of fat, 173.1 grams of carbs, and 29.1 grams of protein.


2. Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl and Orange Sunrise Smoothie (24 oz.): 1,210 calories. Definitely "hearty" in calories, the breakfast bowl contains 780 calories, with 540 of those calories from fat. Total fat content is 60 grams—with 20 saturated fat grams and 7 trans fat grams. Although the bowl is not going to win the sodium challenge over the Deluxe Breakfast, it's still impressive at 1,350 milligrams of sodium—oh, the salty goodness! The bowl also contains 34 grams of carbs (4 grams of dietary fiber and 1 gram of sugar) and 26 grams of protein. While the smoothie contains no fat, you don't want or need to consume a 430-calorie beverage. The smoothie also contains 108 total grams of carbs (with 86, yes, 86 grams of sugar) and 4 grams of protein. Why not opt for a large orange instead? Come on! You can actually go "big" on this fresh fruit and not do any of the damage that this and the other large breakfasts listed will do. One large orange (about 6.5 ounces) has 86 calories, 21.6 grams of carbs (along with 4.4 grams of fiber and 17.2 grams of sugars), 1.7 grams of protein, 73.6 milligrams of calcium, and 333 milligrams of potassium. 


3. McDonald's Deluxe Breakfast (large-size biscuit; no syrup or margarine): 1,150 calories.Joe is right. You'll consume 1,150 calories (540 calories from fat) if you opt for the Deluxe Breakfast—with the large-size biscuit. Like the IHOP Combo and the Jack in the Box breakfast, you will have consumed over 1,000 calories before noon. Wow! The risk you take when you decide to go through that drive-thru window is costly, even if the price of your breakfast is not. If you go for the conservative Deluxe Breakfast with the regular-size biscuit (at 1,090 calories, 510 calories from fat), you'll save 60 calories. Does that make a difference? Maybe not—definitely not to your waistline if you eat the Deluxe Breakfast often. The Deluxe Breakfast with the large-size biscuit also contains 60 grams of total fat (20 grams of saturated fat), 116 grams of carbs (with 7 grams of fiber and 17 grams of sugar), and 36 grams of protein. At 60 grams of total fat, you consume 93 percent of your recommended daily allowance. The sodium content is also worth mentioning: 2,260 milligrams of sodium. Don't forget that all of these numbers do not include the syrup and margarine. 


4. Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich and Minute Maid® Orange Juice (12 oz.): 870 calories. Most of those 870 calories will be coming from the 730-calorie sandwich. The omelet sandwich also has 45 grams of total fat, with 16 saturated fat grams and 1 trans fat gram. It falls a bit short of the Deluxe Breakfast with its 1,940 milligrams of sodium. Other nutritional content includes 44 grams of total carbs, with 2 grams of fiber and 8 grams of sugar, and 37 grams of protein. Your safest bet is to stick with the juice alone. At 140 calories, it contains 33 grams of carbs (30 grams of sugar), 2 grams of protein, and 42 milligrams of vitamin C. I dared not add anything like, say, a large hash brown. It's almost as highly caloric as the sandwich at 620 calories (40 grams of total fat, with 11 saturated and 13 trans, and 1,200 milligrams of sodium). If it helps, you'll only consume 10 more calories if you choose this Burger King breakfast over the Starbucks breakfast. 


5. Starbucks Venti Hot Chocolate (2% milk, with whip) and a Blueberry Scone: 860 calories. That 2% milk won't really help you much in the way of saving calories. The hot chocolate contains 460 calories (160 calories from fat) and the blueberry scone contains 400 calories (160 calories from fat). If you opt for no whip cream, you're still going to consume 390 calories in drink alone. I know it's very hard to resist this sweet, delicious "breakfast," but you're better off avoiding so much sugar so early in the morning—well, ok, you're better off avoiding so much sugar, period! That venti hot chocolate also contains 18 grams of total fat (10 grams saturated), 64 grams of carbs (with 2 grams of fiber and 54 grams of sugar), and 18 grams of protein. The blueberry scone has 17 grams of total fat (9 grams saturated), 54 grams of carbs (with 2 fiber grams and 17 sugar grams), and 5 grams of protein. If you simply can't resist the hot chocolate, why not try a tall instead of a venti with nonfat milk and no whipped cream? It contains 190 calories (20 calories from fat), 2 grams of total fat (no saturated fat), 37 grams of carbs (2 grams of fiber and 31 grams of sugar), and 11 grams of protein.

Urgh, those breakfasts have full on BINGE rights in my fucked up head! WHO eats those!?!? (No judgement on those who do!) And they wonder why there is an obesity epidemic in America (etc)

Ruby-tuesday...

Firstly, to my followers, I'm SO sorry for being so shit lately, about posting and commenting, I *have* been reading. I'll be better, I'll explain in a separate post x Thank you for your understanding x

This is awesome...

Just lost a long spiel about this app, blah.

Most of you probably own a smart phone? iPhone/Apple are pretty good at keeping those kinda advertisers out, blackberry too I think? But Droid suck! They let anyone and everyone make apps! Thus slacking on our security, safety and anonimity (is that a word!? Lol).

So basically it's great for finding which apps are sharing your private info and causing annoying pop ups on your screen and desktop! A lot of them don't encrypt either.. So do a 30 second scan..find out which ones are fucking with your phone and decide if its worth keepin them with the risks they pose. They sometimes provide an opt-out option, which this app will inform you of too!
They usually carry viruses too. I wouldn't recommend the lookout anti virus that this app recommends, its a real battery eater! Good ol' AVG (yes for the droid), works wonders and is kind to your battery!

Sorry fire the boring post, but my mummy taught me to share! And this app rocks! Lol, has prevented me from going phone crazy many times! Enjoy.

And I will update for real later on! Sorry about my slacking girls! =(
xxx

So, without further ado, the actual app deets! Lol:

Find which ad networks can display ads or collect your personal info with this free app from @Lookout http://bit.ly/addetector

But, if I leave...

...I lose my son.

Thank you guys for all your comments on my last post, I will reply individually later. I just wanted to say, to those who don't know, I'm living in Canada. I'm legally married to this woman. She was born here. I was born in the U.K. If I leave, I go back to the U.K. I can't make it here on my own. She's my sponsor (like, immigration wise), so I could legally make her 'take care of me', financially, but I wouldn't do that, because it would take away from my son.

If I leave, I lose him anyway. We don't argue and fight in front of him, we bicker at times. And everything she said, was not to my face, never to my face, all behind my back on some forum to *her* "strangers".

The rules are all for me, but she doesn't follow them. She makes them, but she doesn't follow them.

I miss Katie's advice already. I hope she's doing well. But, I still have you guys and you are all awesome, thank you so much for being here.

I feel... numb today.

I am upping my workouts. I need to take the anger out in a beneficial way to my body. Cutting and using aren't going to make me skinny.

Love to you all x

Hurt...

*Warning - very angry rant*

I don't have the energy to explain fully right now, but I'm reeling right now. I was browsing the net and found an online E.D chat and forum. To my surprise, I see my partners most used online alias in the members list. I thought, 'no, can't be her'.. but, I read some posts from this person. It was her. Now, I know I have bitched about her here, but I don't think I've put her down. I let people know that she's a good mom, when what I said made it seem otherwise... I read this huge rant about me on this forum. Now, I know she deserves a place to bitch about me, but fucking bitch about me she did! She told everyone how fat (that I'm overweight) and lazy I am. That I spend all my time on my blog with a bunch of strangers. WTF?? You girls are not strangers to me, sorry, but that's the way it is. JEALOUSY! She said that I don't care about her or my son. That I use drugs (I haven't used in a while now, I'm actually doing quite well and Ruby-tuesday has been a really good inspiration for me there). She made it seem like I use drugs everyday, after I (apparently) get up at 1/2 pm! I have S.A.D, yes I hibernate in the winter, I become a night owl, I try, but it's hard. With the sun coming out, I am coming out too. I haven't gotten up that late in a while. She also knew about my addiction before we even became close as friends, let alone anything else!

She proceeded to say that she loves me and would die without me, but that she hates me as much as she loves me and often wishes that I would go back to the UK and leave them both alone. MY SON!! If she thinks I am just going to lose my son, then FUCK HER! Yes she is the main caregiver, this wasn't my choice. She has the fucking boobs with the fucking milk and I can't change that and I offered to take fucking pills and breastfeed alongside her but she said it was fucking weird. Then changed her fucking mind (as she usually does and thinks it's okay) after he was born and expects me to jump up and change with her, sorry but I would feel weird now, because you told me it was weird. BITCH!!!

I TOLD her I wasn't ready for a baby, she cried and bitched and whined and CRIED because she was getting too 'old'. I told her she needed to give up smoking before we went ahead, she did NOT do that. She promised. Our son, unfortunately, wasn't made with love. We were arguing. I (sorry) inseminated her begrudgingly. She was going to call and cancel the donor coming. THAT is how she got pregnant. And she doesn't tell them that side of things. Just that he was planned, it wasn't a surprise, that I should do more.

She said that it looks like the relationship is coming to and end. ERM EXCUSE ME BUT WHEN DID YOU PLAN ON TELLING ME THIS!?!?!? AFTER A MILLION PEOPLE ONLINE HAVE READ IT!?!?!? CRIES. I am SO fucking hurt and ANGRY right now. FUCK HER. I'll show her. I'm GONE! We'll go to England. I'll show Jayden off and then she can take him back and fucking ditch me like everyone else, because I am NOT coming back here! She has NO idea what it's been like for me with NO family to speak of. NO support but HER. No fucking friends, because she was too damn jealous around the time of my only opportunity to make some. When I would go out, she would ruin the whole fucking time by texting me every 2 fucking minutes. HATE!?!?! You HATE me!? Hate is a STRONG word and you cannot take that back. I have NEVER hated her. But right now? Right now I HATE her too.

This is why you don't touch me. Like I have the plague. Because I am FAT and LAZY.

I trusted her. I relied on her, because I loved her, because there was no one else once I was here, because she wanted me here... away from everything and everyone that I knew. To what? Hurt me? Leave me? Like everyone else. FUCK YOU!

FUCKING LYING HYPOCRITIC FUCKING BITCH!!!!

Hah. And you know what's funny? She tells them her BMI is 29, like fuck is it. She tells them she doesn't eat. She tells them she is fasting. Like FUCK! She eats like a damn PIG! ARE YOU READING THIS!?!?!? YOU EAT LIKE A DAMN PIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I HATE YOU!!!! CRIES I HATE YOU. I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO MY FAMILY, I CAN'T TRUST YOU!!

I'm done with food. I'm done. I just want to disappear. I'll die this way and it will be long and painful and you will have to watch and one day, when I'm gone, you will know why. I can't go back now either. I can't live without my son. Unfortunately, I can't live without you either. It will take a long time, because I'm FAT and LAZY. So maybe you'll leave first, since you're apparently planning to anyway. I gave up EVERYTHING FOR YOU. You may not think it was much, but it was MY everything and that is more than enough.

Apparently, I did have the energy.

Being Brave...

Okay, so reinforce your screens, glasses - if you wear them- etc, I was gonna upload a few... but I've decided to upload a pic where you can't really see my face... See what the response is.. and then give you some more =)

I can trust you girls though... I know it. Even though I am ugly, lol, I know you won't judge me for it x

I have a few pics from this time, 2004 or 5.. I *hate* pics, so I often hide, but my partner had a few on her PC that she sneakily took, lol.. I usually refuse to have them taken. But, I'm glad that these ones were, they're great memories of my wee bro and I. He's obviously way older now and I don't think anyone would recognise him, so I haven't blanked out his face for this reason.

I have some from early 2004, I'm about 20-30lbs slimmer and this was a big deal then, coz I was 'slim' already. I wouldn't say that I'm skinny in the summer pics, just slim, I guess. Maybe 'thin' in the winter before pics. Except my face is bloated from purging. I was eating *nothing*, but purging anyway :s Of course, I was visiting Canada (mainly the only pics I have, bc I was forced, lol), so I was mostly dressed in heavy clothing, so you can't see my figure...

*Cringes*

*Tiny* losses...

So, I'm slowly SLOWLY moving. I had the courage to add up the cals I had on the day I showed you my intake... It was just under 500. I lost a teeny 0.4 lbs the next morning. I had almost 700 cals the next day =| (this terrifies me, because this is really too easy for me atm, I'm not struggling with wanting food, so I don't want to give my body food and make it want more, ya know).

700 was torture, but I ate slightly higher calorie stuff (like cereal), rather than forcing a load of low calorie stuff down. I get to like 8pm and I'm at 100 maybe 200 and I'm like shit, I was supposed to eat more today, and spread it out, if I cram it all in now, I'm gonna gain for sure.. but I bit the bullet and did it. Next morning I was down into the next set of numbers! Only slightly, but still. I think since my plateau at ##7.2, I'm now at ##5.8, so not a huge difference, but 1.4 lbs is still a victory when it comes to getting out of a plateau! I just hope it continues now. I'd be devastated to go up and still really bummed to stay the same.

On a not so good note, I've somehow managed to injure my arm/shoulder =/ It's kind of a recurring injury, since I had an awful spasm, seizure type attack, due to an allergic reaction to risperdol. My neck and shoulder were fucked because of it. I was on a flight back to the UK, after a terrible visit here in Canada, the symptoms started in the airport, so you can imagine how bad I was by the time I got to England after an 8 hour flight. It was horrific. I was given oxygen, because the spasms were literally forcing my chin into my chest and stopping me from being able to breathe properly. They managed to get permission from ground control, to give me a muscle relaxant and I slept for a portion of the flight. SUCH a relief... but anyway, since then, the muscle in my neck and shoulder has pulled very easily.. sleeping on it funny, reaching, lifting, twisting to fast, but now it takes almost nothing to pull it and it has progressed to a more nerve pinching type of pain, which has spread, very painfully, down my arm. All I can do is take advil and try to sleep it off, since there is *no* comfortable position and it inhibits my movement so severely, I can't turn my head. I really should see someone about it, but it takes like, at least a week to get in with a doc and by then the pain is gone. And I couldn't imagine sitting in the ER for hours, without being able to lye down, bc sitting is extremely painful... The point of the rant, is that I can't go to the gym! :( And I *so* badly need and want to go. I'm thinking of going and just using the seated bike.  You literally just use your legs.. And maybe a walk on the treadmill? I've still been doing thigh lifts and crunches (couldn't do crunches the first day, but it feels ok now), star jumps/jumping jacks are painful.. Anyone know of any other exercises I could do, that wouldn't hurt my arm/shoulder??

I have this kinda weird rule for the treadmill... If I walk for like 20-30 mins on it, I always make myself do double the time and walk for 20-30 mins 'back'. I pretend it's like I've walked somewhere and if I had, I would have to talk 'back home', so I make it the same if I'm walking on the treadmill, so that I don't cop out, lol... Does anyone else have 'odd' rules for/during exercising?

Anyway, wish me luck and continues loss! And I wish the same for you girls (or gains for those of you who are trying and I wish you to accept it well).

I'm off to read up on all your blogs! xxx

Followers...

Hey guys,

So, I have some new followers *waves* hi..

I just gotta say though, when people follow me, I like to be able to view their profile at least. If they have blogs, then I like to be able to see those too, because I want to know who's reading my posts. That may seem paranoid, but hey, that's me.

Not to be mean, but I block if I can't. If you creep my blog, I wanna be able to creep yours ;) lol only fair, right? :P

So, I've messaged a couple of you, please reply =)

Thanks!

Standing Still..

Still haven't lost. Still stuck in a fucking plateau. Feel horrible. I'm not surpassing 250 cals a day. I tried upping, but couldn't get there.. I think I managed more yesterday, but I didn't let myself count.

I had a small bowl of cereal, 3 rice cakes, a 5 cal jello, a weight watchers bagel and a granola bar to bring me up.

That is a HUGE amount of food for me and it was hard. This morning I was half a lb down though, but I don't count it as a loss, bc I had put that half a lb on after my period. I hope it's a sign that my body is getting back to normal after my period.. but fucking hell, I have my period every 3 weeks, if I'm off for a week after, that leaves 2 weeks in which to lose any significant amount of weight! Is this why I plateau at every 7-10 lb loss??

I just want it off. Fuck, 10, or even 5 years ago, if I ate (or rather didn't eat) like this, I'd have lost twice as much! I guess I'm just old.

I'm worried the diet pills have fucked my body and it just has to get used to doing without them. I can't afford like a hundred bucks every month or so on diet pills though =/ I'm taking b vits, bc those are much cheaper, but I just realised you have to eat with them, heh.I also take 7-keto, which is like 20-25 bucks.

I have some expired ephedrine.. I *really* want to take it, what do you guys think? I know I shouldn't take it whilst on welbutrin, but... I mean, the welbutrin will fire it up 20 times more and could cause seizures.. Maybe I should just go buy some caffeine pills. No different than drinking coffee, right?

I want to take the damn ephedrine.

500??

I'm considering raising my cals to 500 today? But it's 20 to 8 and I've eaten 85 :s I don't know how to cram the rest in.

Thank you for your posts on my freakout entry. Gah. I still don't know what to do.

Plateau???

Gods! Again!! Fuck me! I'm FREAKING OUT!!! I haven't binged. I have not eaten more than like 200 cals. WHY THE FUCK HAVE I NOT LOST IN THE LAST TWO DAYS!?!?! Today I weighed and I gained a lb! But, that was weighing in the middle of the day, I can't help it. This morning I weight 0.2 more than yesterday. I KNEW this would happen. Right after my fucking period, I gain and it sticks! WHY!?! I continue losing during, but after?? I didn't cave, I didn't binge, or even eat one bad thing during my period. I don't deserve this. I've been good damnit! I did as I was told! My ED is going to lie to me too now? Fuck this.

I'm sorry for the rant. I just don't know what to do.

I would tell other people to eat, to raise their metabolism. But, I also realise how hard that can be, especially when you're 'on a roll', like I'm not that hungry! Why ruin it now?

Should I go the other way and completely fast? Should I juice fast? Raise my exercise? *Every* 7-10 lbs, I plateau. I *cannot* afford to plateau right now. Maybe I should suck it the fuck up and eat a granola bar. But, hell I don't wanna get out of control and eat a whole box! It could happen. I'm all or nothing, always have been, always will be. And I'd have to purposely go out and by them and that would feel so wrong.

Someone give me the answer?

Gods, I feel pathetic!

Smoke and Mirrors...

...So, I can't *see* my weightloss in the mirror. Sometimes, I can see it, a bit, when I'm walking past a shop window... Just a little loss. Every other second of the day, I see fat.

So, anyway, I remembered that I took measurements a month and a half or so ago.. So, I searched frantically for them, finally I found them, took my measurements now and it seems I've lost inches (at least 1 or more), on my hips, waist around my stomach, my thighs, and come cm's on my knee and calves.. I didn't think to do my bust or arms :s but, maybe I will today.

I guess this is validating in a way. At least something is changing. I'm getting smaller. Still huge, but not as huge. The infinite space around me is getting larger.

I don't feel so hungry today, just really, really tired. I want to sleep all day. I was hoping the exercise yesterday would help with that. I was taking liporexall (diet pill), and I'm almost out (and this is bc my partner kicked up a fuss and wanted to take it too, took it for about a week, then stopped, it's really expensive stuff and she just fucking wasted it.. I have a solution for that, but I can't type here, incase she's reading).. It was quite the stimulant I guess, which is probably why I'm feeling so tired. I just hope the b12 mix is enough to keep my metabolism up.

Yesterday, I started thinking of cake and scones and granola bars, damnit. I think I've pushed them far enough out of my head now though, I hope..

Wish me luck xxx

Needs...

...I fucking can't *stand* my needs. I hate my neediness. I don't *want* to need anything. I *need* not to need. Make sense? I didn't think so.

So, rather intelligently, I forgot to pick up my cymbalta for two days in a row. I went to pick it up on the 3rd day (I'm getting electric shocks by this time), the pharmacist tells me to take one right then and to take my normal 2 that evening. I forgot. No surprise there!

So today, I wanted to go to the gym, I popped one before I went and off I go... Oh, I also took some b12 mix, which raises metabolism etc etc.

So I go do my thing and I'm there an hour and a half ish, I was expecting to stay and hour, because I thought it closed at 5, but I lucked out! Or, so I thought.. 20 to 6, forty mins into my treadmill session and just beginning to *feel* it and enjoy it. I fricken realise that I HAVE to get to the pharm. for my meds! Damnit! Now, my electric *jolts* (by this time) have come back.. I feel like shit.

Firstly, whenever I get off the damn treadmill, I have to stand and regain my bearings. It's *always* put me off kilter, all that moving while being in one place, everything around you is stationary, then stopping and supposedly moving and the world continues to move, it makes me off balance, I have to give myself a few mins. But I didn't *have* a few mins =/ so I jump off, JOLT *cringe* dump my towel, JOLT *shake it off* while trying to regain JOLT and keep JOLT my sense of balance JOLT *arg, and I have to drive*. My legs feel heavy. JOLT. Like lead. JOLT. This makes me feel JOLT so fat, like I should stay there JOLT and work out all night, ZAP way into the wee hours JOLT ZAP *cringe* when the place is closed ZAP ZAP *cringe, tense fists* and dark.. JOLT (fuck they're even invading my JOLT thoughts) but I can't, I keep moving, JOLT. I walk fast, pounding, pounding, JOLT pounding, ZAP in my feet? JOLT. In my head? ZAP JOLT. No both. JOLT *cringe, tense*. And I'm not even at my car by this point, of course I parked in the furthest spot away. I felt like I was going to keel over. I get outside and the sudden wash of cold air sends JOLTS right through me again. I feel numb, by this point. I just need to get to my destination. Get meds. Get home. And weigh. Yes, weigh ffs!! I never cease to amaze myself!

I get to the car, yank off the headphones, that I forgot were blaring music into my head, and sink into the car, relieved. JOLT. I honestly felt like I was going to hit stationary cars as I passed them. It was such a surreal, but horrible feeling.

I don't like needing these meds. I don't enjoy it. I don't like or enjoy being on them. Sighs.

So, I didn't go to the gym for a few days, partially because I couldn't fathom the energy. The other reason was, that I wanted to see if my partner would go, if I didn't. Now, I'll go come back and say, 'I gotta go again tomorrow', and all of a sudden it's, 'oh I want to go to the gym tomorrow and my prime time is 12-2', fine by me, but wtf? So, I don't go for a few days and she has NO mention of it, she's intaking way more cals than me, like around 700 max, I think, with those kinda cals, I'd have the energy for the gym daily! But no, she doesn't bother.
So, after not going for a few days, I go and of course! She pipes up this evening, 'I'm going to go to the gym tomorrow', took no more than a few hours for her to feel the need to go, because I had. This irks me. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. It feels like she's trying to get into competition with me. She only ever restricts *because* I'm restricting. She never initiates any kind of 'diet'. I never invite her on mine, because they aren't exactly diets. Yes she's had ED problems in the past, but hasn't reach a critically low weight (that doesn't mean she hasn't struggled with it as fiercely). Like, tonight she says, 'you've lost so much more weight than me', I'm thinking, 'well I eat way less cals than you, and I eat healthy cals', but I don't say anything. I have a satisfied feeling brewing up inside me. She continues with, 'you're gonna pass me, no fair' and that just pisses me off, this is NOT a COMPETITION FFS!!! I didn't want to do this, so that it would 'trigger' you! I didn't want to do this to 'motivate' you. I am NOT your motivator! (Some might feel flattered? But, it annoys me). Just leave me alone with my shit. You haven't been 'struggling' til now ffs! At my age, you were, so leave me be. You can't say anything.

I love my son more than anything in this world, along with my lil bro, but I told her that I was not physically or mentally well enough to raise a child, or to help raise a child, yet here I am, having to do it. So when she throws bullshit in my face about doing it for him, being well for him, I have to be able to carry him without passing out, I think, FUCK YOU! Because, I TOLD YOU! I was being responsible. You were being impatient and you completely shit on our vowels.

My boy's crying and she's apparently ignoring him, so I'll maybe finish this up later.. maybe not..

Thanks girls, for your ongoing support and... just everything. Thank you for everything. I'm so fortunate to have been let in by you guys, you're great xxx

239...

...Cals for the day! Haha, almost had ya :P you don't get to know just yet ;) too ashamed to tell you my weight =/

So, I'm done for the day. I feel like a pig. My cals have not been higher than 370 in 10 days. And not higher 300 in 7. I have been in negative net cals many of those days. I'm sure I am today too, but only with general activity and BMR. Blah. Must get to the gym. Or at least get my ass on the wii or something! Something that if I fricken pass out, I'm at home and don't get banned from the gym, heh. I could pull it off if that happened, bc I'm fat, but whatever.

- 872 Thursday.
-150 Wednesday.
155 Tuesday.
-1130 Monday.

So, 3 out of 5 days were -net cals. And not too bad intake on the other too. I guess that's ok.. but it still feels like I should be doing *more* :s

I tend to keep losing during my period. Then gain when I'm done. What's WITH that??? No binges this time around, so far though. Too damn scared. I'm glad I'm scared. I NEED to be scared. Look at what I fucking did to myself. Maybe I'll post some pics of what I used to look like... Like, I'm ugly, I can't change that.. So I might scare you.. but I can change my weight, my body.

Hmmm. Dare I be brave? Lol.

So... My ramblings..

...I'm happy with the welbutrin, I don't really give a shit if it's bad for me. I think it's curbing my appetite. I'm totally nauseous after I eat. I shake my leg even more than before.. I think I'm have to make a concious effort to try to shake the other one sometimes too, or else I'll have one thin leg and one fat one! :P lmao, the image is horrendous!

I've not had the energy to go to the gym though =( I don't want to stop my trend, damnit, I just haven't been eating enough to do it. My blood pressure lowers when I'm standing, apparently. I'm not skinny, that shouldn't be happening yet ffs. I need to go so much further, so if my body starts collapsing on me now, wtf?? I'm an *overweight*, not just in my head, either. I swore I'd never let this happen again. FUCK ME!

I think it was definitely the exercise that had me all bouncy and 'peppy' (for me). The last couple of days, I've taken a fucking nap in the middle of the day! Gotten up much earlier, gone to sleep around the same, late, time.. but... pfft, maybe I need to eat a little more, so that I have the energy to burn more.. but I just can't bring myself to do it.

I mean, we went grocery shopping. Got a TONNE of healthy, low cal, low fat foods and a couple of snacks (also low cal, no fat.. like fat free yoghurt and rice cakes). And my indulgence? And apple pear and some O.J yesterday =/ (I totally berated myself for the O.J - "you could have had so much less if you didn't drink that, you fat cow".. 200 cals, in juice.. for dinner. It was my PMS allowance. I allowed myself it and I still shit on myself after (not literally, although hit 69 lbs and it might happen - just for those of you reading who think this might be fun, it's not, it's horrendous)), and today a rice cake and some cherries. She's gonna bitch at me for not eating the apples... again. I guess I was PMSing and I just wanted apples :s not cake, or cookies, or a big fat pig out binge, but apples... all day. I didn't have them :s I wolfed down a big juicy apple pear and felt like an utter *pig*.

I've been trying to walk every day though. I was on my feet for 4 hours yesterday. Grocery shopping for 2.. Shopping for clothes for my little boy for another 2.. Apparently that burned 899 cals. Wtf is it with this 99 bullshit anyway?? Lol.. Maybe it's just a sign to keep striving for my 99 lb goal. I burn cals with 9 or 99 on the end.. I spend a total of minutes doing activities that end with 9 or 99. And it's not concious either. Maybe I should be 99.9 lbs... Nah. 99 is better.

I remember lying in bed... ridden. For 8 months, maybe more. Time passed in a blur. Pain, no matter the position, because my bones were being poked by the springs in the mattress. But holy fuck, ask me to choose between then and now? And I still do not know the answer! How SICK is that?? I mean, I would *never* intentionally get that low again.. but, hell.. I never intentionally got this big either.

Holy ramble. I had nothing much to say when I began this entry...

I have major heartburn, blegh.