Foot Fuck Up...

Hey everyone,

Again it's been a while, but i'll be getting back to blogging again once I'm home and settled. I fly back in the early am..

On another note, I sprained/severely bruised my ankle and foot :'( which means no fucking gym! OR working out (real working out anyway), that is the BIGGEST thing that I couldn't wait to get back into once I got home, alongside getting back on track with the blogging world and keeping up with my amazing second family.. It's been lonely and miserable without you guys :( but, my own fault really, it's just SO hectic here.

So, fucking my foot up, was like, THE worst experience of being here... my mum and I literally collided (accidentally) and let's just say, I'm the only one who came off worse for wear. I;m on crutches and I have to fly! The reason it was so horrible though, is bc the obnoxious, socio-pathic twin brothers were there. One of them saw the whole thing, I came painfully crashing down onto both knees, and an elbow and as I twisted around, trying to keep from knocking into my mum (she just barrels through people without realising :s heh), my foot stayed in the same position, as my body twisted round. Not pretty. My last full night was spent alone, at the A&E... and yeh, my brothers were laughing hysterically at me and calling me degrading, humiliating, fat-names *cries*. I mean, I could be 50 lbs and they'd still call me fat, but right now I AM fat and it just.. stung. I couldn't believe that they could be so cruel. They certainly surpassed themselves and trust me, that is HARD. One of them once turned around out of nowhere, because I was annoying him and punched me clean in the face, sent me flying across the hallway. I hate them so much right now. I (begrudgingly) love them because I *have* to, but I don't like them one bit, heh. I was actually crying, not because of the excruciating pain, but because of shame and humiliation, made to feel because of them.

One good thing to come of this, is that every time I try to eat, I hear, 'eh fatty boom boom' and I can't bear to do it. Although.. I still have a bunch of English food packed, someone will enjoy it though, eh? Hopefully, just not me.... heh. I'll show them. They'll regret the day they ever called me fat. Just like they did before... but, you know what... it wasn't even them who 'regretted' it, it was my other brother. Oh well. They'll see anyway.

Can't wait to interact with you guys on a more regular basis, again! I'm gonna miss most of my family, but I won't miss this disgusting, filthy house and I won't miss the twins. So sad to say, but unfortunately true and if you knew them, you'd feel the same way. I just can't wait to return to normality. I just wish I didn't have to feel some relief over going home :( coz I love my family and I missed them SO much and will miss them again.. I just have to remember not to sugar coat and rose tint how it was here.

*Love*

Neglectful...

...Yes! It's really me! :P

Venus left me a very sweet and concerned comment, so I am taking the time to post something! I can't promise that it'll be worth reading, lol, or that it will be anything positive.. But hey! I'm here and that's a start, right?
Firstly.. I am so sorry to have worried anyone, I am still in England, I am still alive. I'm sorry that I have neglected the few people in my existence that actually care for me and truly want me to be happy x Thank you all.

I also want to say a big 'HI' to my new followers, I am honoured that you have taken the time to follow me and hope not to disappoint. I will always follow back, if you allow followers =) (and if you're interesting enough, of course! (Just kidding ;) you're ALL interesting!)

Anyway... There has been so much going on, that I just can't fathom being able to delve into my mind to pull it all out somewhat coherently.

Food has been an utter disaster. I've been eating far too much, throwing all caution to the wind! It's like... I dunno, I can't go to the gym, I don't even have the space to do the do the work our DVD that I brought with, for emergencies. Our room is a fair size, but with the suitcases, crib and obviously the bed and furniture, there's just nowhere to do it. My partner is visiting a friend in Brighton (she's taken our son and I am missing him terribly *sighs*), so I have booked myself into a cheapy cheap hotel, to get some time by myself.. they have a gym WHOOP! so, I will be visiting that, for sure! I know I could technically do crunches, star jumpes, bicycles etc etc, but I usually do those things in the living room, when my partner is asleep in the bedroom, but there's NO privacy here.. There's always *someone* *somewhere*, I've done some exercises in the bathroom, but *someone* always wants in there and they bitch and bitch at me... it doesn't help that I relapsed on drugs (my equal worst fear of coming here :( heh) and they have figured out that I'm using in the bathroom.

This really IS a fucking disaster, so maybe now you can see why I haven't been blogging =( asides from being deeply ashamed and feeling terrible for failing and letting everyone down, there's just been no time.

I know that you all are awesomely supportive and I probably have nothing to worry about, in terms of being judged, but I just feel awful. I feel such a fake, a fraud. I totally didn't have to worry about my ED following me, heh. Maybe I don't even have an ED, I'm just a fucking wanna! GRRR!!! But, in all honesty, I have been bingeing at times.. I have been purging. I have not managed to restrict for more than a day at a time *sigh*. I'm just so fucking WEAK!!!

I was SO terrified of eating and losing my resolve. My willpower. It was so SO strong and I know that my mentality is totally all or nothing and if I ate, I'd just crumble and never stop. Well, I was able to eat a few times anf that didn't happen, but I was still scared... I ate on the plane, for energy for travelling.. and that was the beginning of the end of my amazing new found willpower. My journey on the road to skinny was interrupted. I had been derailed. After that, I ate because I 'hadn't had that in over 3 years', That was it, it was over before it even began again. I am just thankful that I haven't gained back everything I lost and more.. I've maintained, *somehow*, at a 5 lb gain from what I was when I left. The way I've been eating and the lack of exercise, I really *should* have gained more *shudders*. I just hope the scales aren't wrong, because hell, I can SEE a gain on my face... my arms... urgh.

I NEED to get out of this fucking RUT!! I NEED to be thin again! I NEED to get that willpower back. I was SO determined. SO READY to be thin again. I need to get back into that headspace.. but, it's so hard being back in this environment.. and I've noticed that using makes me want to eat :| I mean, with most peeople, with NORMAL people, it reduces their appetite... But nooooo, not me! FFS!

It doesn't help that everything revolves around food here... They eat SO much, but then they're off in a heartbeat, after shovelling it all down in 30 seconds, burning it off, because they have lives here, friends.. Things to do, things that I no longer have here.

I'm so sorry to be so depressing. My first post in gods only knows how long and I'm boring you and depressing you, mindlessly.

I'll come back later... I have time until tomorrow anyway... Hopefully, my mood will have picked up by then and I can talk about some of the more positive things... Oh wait, there aren't any! =/ Seriously, my family couldn't care less that I'm here.. Like, honestly. I won't be bothering again, that's for sure... but, more about that later, maybe. It doesn't really qualify for positive or exciting!

Sorry =(