Cancer...

...and Borderline Personality Disorder.

Cancer is corrosive. BPD is corrosive.
Cancer destroys your body, mind and soul. BPD destroys your mind, soul and body.
   If I had cancer, and I'd finally been approved for a treatment to destroy it, would my wife divorce me right then? I feel like that's what she's doing now. I've just started DBT. Things will get better, but she's giving up on me on the last leg. I don't understand. And I don't understand why I care?? She's put me through hell... but, I've put her through hell back.
   When she stopped being physically intimate with me, after having Jayden I guess, and I don't just mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, everything, I withdrew... I withdrew so far into myself that I became trapped inside my own head. I became convinced that she was abandoning me, just like everyone else had. I became moody, irritated, angry.. If she even brushed against me in bed, I'd freeze, full of fear, that it might break open some of the feeling that I'd locked deep inside of myself, and that that would leave me vulnerable to emotional pain. I will do *anything* to spare myself more emotional pain. It's my biggest fear. I'd shuffle away, to the edge of the bed, bundle the blankets up behind me, make sure she couldn't penetrate the wall I'd built myself. And I'd tell myself, she withdrew from me, she left me, I won't let her hurt me anymore.
   I feel like a child. A hurt, scared and vulnerable little girl, who just needs her mummy. Often times I wish I were a child. I never did want to grow up... Aged 10, I became stressed about the double digits I'd acquired. Aged 12, I feared becoming a teenager, this is when my eating disorder really flared.. Of course, now I know why. Aged 13, I full out panicked, I did anything I could to prove that I was still a child.. yet, I had so many responsibilities. 16, 17, 18, denial. Aged 19, I full out cried when I turned 20. Refused to tell my age, I was "19 and 2 halves". it was a running joke.. but, I was deadly serious. I couldn't accept my age...
   Now, I'm 32 years old and I still feel like a child. My mind will never grow up. At 27, when I was forced into becoming a parent, I was terrified, I couldn't even look after myself... Eventually, I think I just tried to force myself to accept it.. Maybe I thought having a child of my own would force me to do that?  I can't get my childhood back, so maybe I can give my own child a real childhood. Make amends? I don't know. I always knew I wanted children. My life plan had me procreating at age 25. When I reached 25, I knew I wasn't ready. In truth, I think I'm less mentally prepared now, than I was then. Maybe I have a bigger home, but maybe I won't even have that for long...

.I am afraid.

Ruminations...

...and Realisations...

I've come to realise, that all of the self abusive and self destructive coping mechanisms... Worked. They quieted the voices in my head - my own voice - but it's more powerful than a thousand random voices. The thoughts, the ruminations, they're overwhelming and tiring.. Exhausting, in fact. They emotionally and physically draining.

I haven't used, minus one slip, in 7 months. Since before I miscarried my first baby. After having sex to make that baby, I used, because I felt guilty. But I just so desperately wanted a baby.. So, the last time I used was well before I found out I was pregnant, but of course I still blamed myself for my miscarriage :'( I told myself if I wasn't pregnant again within 6 months, that I could go use my face off... Well, I wasn't, and I did use, but I didn't use my face off.. before I did so, I put myself into a crisis/safe house, a step down from hospital.. To try to avoid the impending relapse. I got my period and I just broke down.. Here's a pic of the tattoo I got for my angel baby...

I have tried to mourn and grieve this loss, but letting go is hard.. Letting go of a dream is harder and my baby was a dream.. My dream of being a mother. My dream of being a mother with my (ex?) wife seems long gone, apparently the last 8 years have been a lie. I've been strung along, all the while, she knew she didn't want more kids.. I think she knew that when she decided she wanted to carry. She only ever wanted one, I think she knew that all along. If she only ever wanted one and wasn't prepared to budge on that, shouldn't I have been the only to carry? How can she want the best of both worlds?? She can't expect me to give up that primal desire to carry a child because she only wants one blessing. That's her choice but she couldn't give up carrying her own child? smh. I don't get it.

So, I haven't self injured in even longer  and I haven't engaged in eating disordered activities. I think, because I'm afraid of the repercussions on my body.. I'm already feeling the effects of drug use and ED eating, on my body and he's not pretty. From bone issues to bowel issues, it ain't pretty, I promise you.. My main reason for abstaining (and it seems to get harder some days, rather than easier), is because I want to be healthy to have a baby... But maybe I can't do it? Right now I'm faced with doing it alone, as a single parent.. If I have to do that, I really think I need my head shrunk first. I need to get through dbt, it's a year long intensive therapy, twice a week, groups and individual sessions.. There's a real chance of recovery from borderline (news flash: borderlines don't "recover", because like addicts and the eating disordered, it will *always* be with us, we just better learn how to deal with it), with this programme. I need to do it.. I've been waiting 2 years to do it! But, if my wife is gonna leave me, I need a clean break, which means returning to the UK, but I'm having trouble finding info on dbt back there, if I go back, I need profession supports in place. That's not an option, unfortunately, it seems that you have to ask your GP about any such therapies. Gah. 

I don't want to leave my son.. But I know that I need to look after myself, before I can be of any use to him. Even though my boy was forced on me, I love him with every fibre of my being.. That wasn't his fault, that was his selfish and impatient mother, who manipulated and tricked me into agreeing, and lied about a few things along the way.. So, as much as I feared, and tried not to at times, I became his mummy and I dread the thought of leaving him, but I've only been in this country this long because of him and his mother.. If I don't have my family, then why would I stay?? She expects me to stay.. After trapping me here.. She expects me to stay with absolutely no support network.. She's always bad her smily. She never had to leave them. She never had to be alone. She never had to rely on one single person to love and support her. She never had to leave all she held dear. She just doesn't get it. 

I feel like I've no choice but to stop trying to conceive, at least for a few months - a year (that breaks my heart right there), possibly go back to the UK, slay my dragons, and start over. 

This is just part of the shit that's in my head, on repeat, over and over. Ruminating, over analysing, overthinking, confusing the hell out of myself.

I've become a quiet, introverted person, who's afraid to express herself, because she doesn't trust anyone's feelings, least of all her own. I isolate, because I don't know how to socialise anymore.. I used to be the life and soul of the party.. But I don't even trust that anymore. I'm locked and stuck inside my own head, with my biggest fears... It's a scary place to be. 

There's a borderline quote that I'd like to share.. It describes how I feel, so perfectly, that I cried when I read it.. I could have written it myself, except that I never would have been able to find the words.. I'm hoping that coming back here.. And letting the thoughts flow, unhindered, unaltered, will allow me to find the words to express myself once again...

I'm back?

So, I'm being told over and over that I need to write again... I need to get these thoughts out of my head so that I can't curl up with them, well said by Valerie, in Girl, Interrupted. I think I was able to hold it together better and act a little more sane in the real world, when I was able to get my thoughts down and out of my head.

I've always known that I'm Borderline... "Borderline between WHAT and WHAT!??". I wish I knew.. Crazy and psychotic? Sad and happy? Dead and alive? I don't know.. But I know that blogging really helped and I only really stopped because my partner told me that I spent too much time on here, that it made me a bad parent, I guess. Well, now she's leaving me anyway (I'll get to that later), because she can't handle my emotional outbursts. Oh, but mainly because I want a child, like this is news to her?? And she doesn't. So, she pretty much lied to me from the beginning. She got her baby, that's.. okay, stop dani. Sore spot.

Anyway, before I get into the ramblings from my mind and attempting to update (if anyone still checks back here, I know it's been a while), I need to overhaul my blog... It's definitely not going to be an ED blog anymore. I mean, I still struggle with body image, I always will, those thoughts are still there, but I'm working towards being able to have a baby of my own and I can't do that if I'm not nourishing my body.. but back to the overhaul (this is what my brain is like and why I need to try to get the thoughts out, very ADD, flitting back and forth between thoughts, I hope you all can deal with that), I have completely forgotten how to do anything on here?? I can't remember how to change my background, lol.. so, any tips on diary overhauls?? Anything is better than this right now! I think I've grown up some... just a *little*, lol.