Blegh.

Winter is finally arriving. Snow storm overnight and I have to drive out of town for therapy tomorrow.

Trying to work up the motivation to do another crazy bpd exercise :/

At the moment though, ice taken a bit of a break from it, and I'm reading Dr Phil's 20/20. Anyone tried it? I've seen some pretty dismal reviews on it (which of course, I didn't think to read BEFORE spending like 30 big ones on the book). 

Also, has anyone heard from Rayya??

My Genes

...and Me.

The dance would be violent... Dramatic.. Lots of pulling and tearing and shaking... That would be my mother being raped. And then a baby, being torn, and her fighting to keep it.. The music would be loud and dramatic, but there would be no voices.. No singing.. Just silence.. There would be masked figures.. On one side of the room.. Lots of unknowns.. People hiding in the shadows.. On the other side of the room. Family.. Hiding and "protecting" the baby.. Me.. The baby would be loved.. Then there would be a wedding and the baby would get a daddy.. And there would be singing and happy dances.. And then several brothers would be born for the baby to play with, lots of blue and the baby would grow and the brothers would grow and they would play.. And sing and dances some more happy dances.. The daddy would get really happy.. And he would play with the neighbourhood children and make them laugh along with his children.. The purple cloudy smoke would make him so happy.. The music would be bright and happy and crazy, like an acid trip.. But then the daddy would get sad and mad and angry and sick.. And the music would turn dark and the cloud would turn black.. And a dark shadow would be cast over the family.. And the neighbourhood children would run away from the funny man who made them laugh.. But the children would be stuck.. They would be given lots of toys and gifts to keep them happy, as men and women would come and go from their house, and dance away with little packages of their own purple and pink and green hazy smoke clouds.. But they would come back and bring dark black and brown and grey smoke clouds with them and leave them in the house with the children.. This dance routine continues, it gets old and boring and the baby.. Now a girl.. Would twirl around the young brothers, along with her mother, while the daddy spins like crazy, in another room, and then again, crawl around on the floor in agony and then rolls around in his hazy smoke and comes up dancing again.. The dance would go on like this for years.. Until the mummy spins off into the other room with the daddy and twirls and jumps and bounds around in her own cloud of pretty pink smoke.. And the girl twirls around her brothers alone, like a big girl.. And then, when she was old enough, she would join the happy, crazy, sad, mad and angry dance... Spinning off into that crazy room with her mummy and daddy.. Leaving the brothers to twirl alone.. And they became mean and nasty.. Until one day she would dance off by herself, spiralling out of control, and curling up alone with a family of her own to pass the hazy smoke dance on to.. Only, she was determined that she would change the inheritance.. And choreograph a dance of her own for them, a really happy dance, leaving the fake happy smoke behind for good. 

...hmm, so I've no idea what that was, but that's how the "dance" looks in my head. 

After writing this, I think I focused of raising more than genetics. I learned what I lived, but I hope to change it. 

I hope to break free of the negative influences on my life, but I don't know if I can.. I think that I attempted to, when I left England, but I just ran from my problems, I didnt solve them.. Now, I must solve them. This is the first step in truly breaking free. 

The Angry Heart...

...so, I'm reading The Angry Heart. I've decided to put my "recovery" exercises into my blog. I'm not very good at handwriting and this'll be a 'safe' place to put all my ramblings. Get it all out, so that it can no longer eat me from the inside out.. 

...The Angry Heart, is a self help book, to overcome borderline and addictive disorders. Later, I'll type up my "Beginnings" exercise here. I'm going to start the next exercise in a new post.

Anybody...

...out there?

Good enough to foster...

...but not to adopt?

   So, I'm fostering this little beauty, I've named her Luna.

   I'll be honest, lately she has given me a reason to get up in the mornings. Someone to need me. Someone who is happy to see me each morning and greets me with a grateful wag and a loving nuzzle.. Even when she wakes me at some ungodly hour, and I tromp down the stairs all grumpy like, I see her eyes light up and my heart melts.

   I was told that fosters are given first pick to adopt. That you have 2 weeks to decide. This is what I was told when I asked after 2 days of her being here. And when I told them that i had come up with the adoption fees, they told me that I couldn't have her!?! Why? Because I live in an apartment building? 1. I do NOT live in an apartment building. I live in a condo. And while, yes, it has the look of a building on the outside, and it is a secure building by technicality, we have our own entrance/exit, in the form of double french doors. We have a yard, not fenced, but an electric fence could easily be installed. We have 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms and two living rooms, our place is NOT too small for a large dog. And 2. I asked to be reimbursed for supplies, because hey, it's Christmas! And I said money is tight at the moment, but that doesn't mean that I can't afford her, I have a right to be frugal at Xmas and that doesn't mean you get the right to judge my financial situation! I can't afford to be spending money on fosters. Saying that, I bought her 3 coats because she has kennel cough and shivers mercilessly whilst outside, I did not expect to be reimbursed for those and I even said I'd cover the expense of the leashes and collars I bought her. 

   I'm beyond offended and actually quite humiliated right now. We are in a group chat on FB and they told me in front of eerypje that I couldn't keep her, after letting me bang on about it for 2 damn days, KNOWING that they weren't going to let me keep her. 

   Rescued are becoming way to anal about adopters. I filled out the same application to foster as they have to adopt. So what gives here??

   She is just the perfect fit for me and I don't know how in going to let her go. She's so damn smart. She's 11 weeks and in just a few days ive taught her to sit, she sits when I feed her and waits for eye contact and for me to say, "ok" before eating. She knows the difference between "go pee" and "go poo", and while she still has a few accidents in the house, she's learning to ask for the door. She's an awesome travel companion, just lays on the sea, or with her head on my leg, or looking out of the window. She loves driving..  and I travel a lot, I've been looking for a good travel dog.

   She warms my heart. And that hasn't happened in a long, long time. My heart is in fact quite cold, these days. 

   I'm starting to think irrationally.. Trying to find info on what would happen if I just kept her. Would they be able to call the police? It would take them so long to repossess her that I don't think they bother?? And I mean, I'm willing to PAY the fees for crying out loud.

   I'm just so lonely and she alleviates my loneliness. I don't think that this just a first foster fail. I don't think I'll feel this way about every puppy that comes through here. My dad bred pups and I'm used to seeing them come and go, I've just never had this kind of connection before.. I don't think I'll find it again :(

I just want to love my little Luna.

I feel like they're playing god... I understand concern, but they are too damn picky...

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/heavy_petting/2012/01/animal_rescue_want_to_adopt_a_dog_or_cat_prepare_for_an_inquisition_.html

#Truth