...Yes! It's really me! :P
Venus left me a very sweet and concerned comment, so I am taking the time to post something! I can't promise that it'll be worth reading, lol, or that it will be anything positive.. But hey! I'm here and that's a start, right?
Firstly.. I am so sorry to have worried anyone, I am still in England, I am still alive. I'm sorry that I have neglected the few people in my existence that actually care for me and truly want me to be happy x Thank you all.
I also want to say a big 'HI' to my new followers, I am honoured that you have taken the time to follow me and hope not to disappoint. I will always follow back, if you allow followers =) (and if you're interesting enough, of course! (Just kidding ;) you're ALL interesting!)
Anyway... There has been so much going on, that I just can't fathom being able to delve into my mind to pull it all out somewhat coherently.
Food has been an utter disaster. I've been eating far too much, throwing all caution to the wind! It's like... I dunno, I can't go to the gym, I don't even have the space to do the do the work our DVD that I brought with, for emergencies. Our room is a fair size, but with the suitcases, crib and obviously the bed and furniture, there's just nowhere to do it. My partner is visiting a friend in Brighton (she's taken our son and I am missing him terribly *sighs*), so I have booked myself into a cheapy cheap hotel, to get some time by myself.. they have a gym WHOOP! so, I will be visiting that, for sure! I know I could technically do crunches, star jumpes, bicycles etc etc, but I usually do those things in the living room, when my partner is asleep in the bedroom, but there's NO privacy here.. There's always *someone* *somewhere*, I've done some exercises in the bathroom, but *someone* always wants in there and they bitch and bitch at me... it doesn't help that I relapsed on drugs (my equal worst fear of coming here :( heh) and they have figured out that I'm using in the bathroom.
This really IS a fucking disaster, so maybe now you can see why I haven't been blogging =( asides from being deeply ashamed and feeling terrible for failing and letting everyone down, there's just been no time.
I know that you all are awesomely supportive and I probably have nothing to worry about, in terms of being judged, but I just feel awful. I feel such a fake, a fraud. I totally didn't have to worry about my ED following me, heh. Maybe I don't even have an ED, I'm just a fucking wanna! GRRR!!! But, in all honesty, I have been bingeing at times.. I have been purging. I have not managed to restrict for more than a day at a time *sigh*. I'm just so fucking WEAK!!!
I was SO terrified of eating and losing my resolve. My willpower. It was so SO strong and I know that my mentality is totally all or nothing and if I ate, I'd just crumble and never stop. Well, I was able to eat a few times anf that didn't happen, but I was still scared... I ate on the plane, for energy for travelling.. and that was the beginning of the end of my amazing new found willpower. My journey on the road to skinny was interrupted. I had been derailed. After that, I ate because I 'hadn't had that in over 3 years', That was it, it was over before it even began again. I am just thankful that I haven't gained back everything I lost and more.. I've maintained, *somehow*, at a 5 lb gain from what I was when I left. The way I've been eating and the lack of exercise, I really *should* have gained more *shudders*. I just hope the scales aren't wrong, because hell, I can SEE a gain on my face... my arms... urgh.
I NEED to get out of this fucking RUT!! I NEED to be thin again! I NEED to get that willpower back. I was SO determined. SO READY to be thin again. I need to get back into that headspace.. but, it's so hard being back in this environment.. and I've noticed that using makes me want to eat :| I mean, with most peeople, with NORMAL people, it reduces their appetite... But nooooo, not me! FFS!
It doesn't help that everything revolves around food here... They eat SO much, but then they're off in a heartbeat, after shovelling it all down in 30 seconds, burning it off, because they have lives here, friends.. Things to do, things that I no longer have here.
I'm so sorry to be so depressing. My first post in gods only knows how long and I'm boring you and depressing you, mindlessly.
I'll come back later... I have time until tomorrow anyway... Hopefully, my mood will have picked up by then and I can talk about some of the more positive things... Oh wait, there aren't any! =/ Seriously, my family couldn't care less that I'm here.. Like, honestly. I won't be bothering again, that's for sure... but, more about that later, maybe. It doesn't really qualify for positive or exciting!
Sorry =(
Heya huni.. first of all I am so glad that you posted (yay venus for being a better person than me and getting you to post)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry the way things are for you right now.. You were so excited about England and seeing your family again but now it seems that things havent turned out the way you expected..
Oh Ashen.. I am so so sorry that you are using again.. maybe once you are back in Canada things will return to normal and your eating, exercise and everything else will go back to the way it was. I have every faith that you will be able to get back on track, I have trouble when I stay at families, and you are totally right - all family do is want to eat and want you to eat.. I dont get it :\ And hey hey HEY.. ED is not something you want to qualify for but you know you have had problems in the past, you know how far you have come. The body has all sorts of little tricky survival mechanisms to make sure you dont get back there, it is not your fault and I know sometimes we worry about "not being disordered enough" but honey, it doesnt define you, you are way more than just an ED label.. you are a beautiful mother, friend, partner, lover and you will get back on track and be successful.
I wish I could go over there and give you a hug.. yay for the gym, so happy that you are going to use it.. I am so lazy I probably wouldnt. So hey you are doing better than me!
Dont be sorry, we are all here for you and your post was not in the slightest bit boring! Silly mare.. I love reading anything you post, you are one of my faves <3
Take care of yourself darling, always here if you need a chat :) Love you xx
When you go back everything will go back to normal and then since you have eaten so much your metabolism will be amazing so in one day of restricting you'll lose two or three pounds. I live with my ex and he is constantly making food for me without asking and offering me a bite of his food which always sets me off, and he throws a huge fuss when he thinks I haven't eaten enough which is always. He's two of me, he eats like six meals a day and each meal is something fatty like a hot dog or a burger so it is extremely difficult to even maintain at times. At least right now you have a little space from *someone* even if it is just blogging. I am so glad you finally posted again.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like you are having any fun at all. Something has to be able to make you smile. Do you like zoos? You could visit the zoo. o.o
I am always worried I am not eating disordered instead of worrying that I am eating disordered. As long as that one thing stays with me I can't be normal for wanting one can I? So I calm myself that way. I'm sure if you were a wanna you wouldn't be so devastated every time you failed. I ran into a wanna blog once and the girl was like, "I had 1200 calories today. Doing good." And I just laughed. I eat that much and more all the time but then I panic, which is how I can tell I am different. I think I wrote you a book. x.x XP
xoxo <3 Venus
Glad to hear from you.
ReplyDelete*huggles* Sad to hear you're having a shit time, but there is NO need to feel ashamed or like you've let people down. It's the place you're in bringing back the habits associated with it. Humans are creatures of deep habit.
You know you've beat it before so you will be able to do so again. Never, ever doubt that. You're tough, your a survivor. Your roots go so deep into the ground storms have no chance of pulling you up.
Sorry, this isn't making any sense.
Love you so much and I hope the rest of your trip goes well. Are you staying in England? I'm kinda hoping not, coz it seems like a bad place for you what with the associated drugs and whatnot.
Take care of yourself, ok? *More hugs*
So good to hear from you sweetie
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking of you yesterday and then you commented on my blog and I was so delighted to hear from you
I was going to email you but you've posted now so I'll write here what I was going to write in the comment
I am so sorry you are struggling, I know how hard it is to be away with family. I'm just back from a 10 day family holiday and it was difficult to say the least. I binged and purged my way through Italy so I can't imagine how hard it is to be away for months.
I'm also so sorry you relapsed on drugs. It's always a risk going back to a place we've used. I can't go back to the town I used to live in. Whatever you do please try to stay safe. Hopefully things will get back on track when you get back to Canada. Maybe you could try to cut down gradually before you go back to lessen the withdrawels.
It makes sense though that you would turn to the 2 things that you've used in the past when you are stressed, food and drugs. Hell, I've done that my whole life.
Please don't hesitate to contact me if you need to talk, you have my email.
Hang in there lovely, you will get through this and before you know it this will all be a distant memory.
I'm thinking of you I wish I could reach through the computer screen and wrap you in a hug that lasts forever.
Love you and miss you ,
All my love x
It's nice to hear from you :-) It is hard for me to not gain weight too when I go back home to visit my parents. So I completely understand.
ReplyDeleteThanks for updating us.
Hopefully your partner and son will be back soon. I say take advantage of the gym while you can.
Sorry I have nothing more to say. It's 5 in the morning where I am so I kind of out it....
Stay safe , please. Writing this out is good for you and reading about someone else's suffering is never boring. I get worried and I want to help, that's my reaction, not the too typical "get over it". But parent visits are tough. They suck the life experience out of you and suddenly you're the thirteen to fifteen year old again with surreal coping mechanisms.
ReplyDeleteAnd the thing what I always tell myself when I start doubting that do I even have eating disorder is to look in the mirror. Seriously if you wonder that is this it, it probably is. Also you got to be messed up somehow to want to have an ed so in every means wanna or not, there's a problem that needs to be taken care of.
Power hug, you can get out of there soon <3