AWESOME! I still have 38 followers, I think that's more than when I just disappeared off the face of the earth... I'm sorry I haven't been around, S.A.D sucks and having to come home from England.. Even though the way I was treated was beyond ridiculous after 3 yrs... blah.. whatever.
It totally threw me off my 'dieting' shit.. rather starving shit, I guess... But now, I'm having a smoothie in the morning, a 160 cal lean cuisine meal for supper (doesn't fill me up, but I like that, makes me feel like my stomach is shrinking, like my real stomach, on the inside - the outside is HUGE) and I have a quarter glass of skim milk in the evening with a fibre bar, because I just need the fibre.. you know how it is.. I can't get impacted again, I just don't have that in me and my family doesn't have it in them. So, if a 150 cal fibre bar stops that and I'm still losing, so be it. I'd rather not, because I *can* do without it, but do I let myself become reliant on laxatives again? I had to wean off of them before and make my body learn to do its job again, which was... uncomfortable.
I'm going to the gym, they have some awesome new machines, including 2 new Stair-masters which they didn't have before! Fuck their hard though, coz they go so slow, I'd rather run it, lol.. I finally got on one machine that I was scared of - it looked difficult and I'm SO self conscious in the gym anyway - and it ROCKED... it's a lateral machine.. I used to have the thigh lateral trainer/stepper, it was great coz it targets your butt and the spare tyre too..Another machine I love and spend a lot of time on, targets both legs and arms, but I seem to have an injury in one arm, coz after a while it hurts like a bitch, but the other arm could keep going and going and going, it's SO frustrating... but I've done this to my own body, through shit like this... I'm trying to take a slightly healthier approach, but... We'lll see.
There's not much to update on, I lost my fricken job, slipped on a build up of ice, so they let me go/I kinda quit.. Long story. The fricken ice shouldn't have been allowed to build up in the first place, maybe I'll try to find the picture of where I slipped and you guys can tell me what you think?
I'm gonna try my hardest to catch up on you all. I won't be able to go back and read *Everything* :( I'm sorry... but I'll do my best.
I'm job searching at the moment and trying to take these Canadian high school upgrades, which makes me feel stupid.. One the one hand I'm worried I won't be able to do it, because I haven't been in school for so long and the last 3 years or more, I've legally not been able to work or study, now I have my permanent residency I can at least try. But, all that time with no routine and structure has been harmful.
And, I mean... I went to a prominent, highly sought after school. I wrote an entrance exam. I had to work my way into that school and work by butt off to stay there... And take GCSE's and pass GCSE's and now I'm told it all means nothing? Like? Fuck them! But, I gotta do what I gotta do to better myself and my life, right?
Skinny + Dream Job + Family (including carrying a child for us, which will make me FAT again, but, I cross that bridge when I come to it) = happiness, right? But, will I ever be happy away from my home country and other family? Will I ever be able to get the drugs out of my damn head? Wanting and waiting for them ALL the damn time? I just wanna be numb... But, why?
Anyway...
I loves you all and I am gonna try to be around more... Try to be back!
Stay strong x
So so great to have you back sweetheart
ReplyDeleteYou were missed
I read your email to today and I will reply but I'll comment here too
I can relate so much to the school thing
I am terrified to go back for fear that I am stupid
You know you are not alone
I am truly blessed to have met you
I am so alone with the methadone thing
You are the only one who understands
Who has been there
And you are so right when you say that no one an understand unless you've been there
I know you are struggling at the moment with that
I can imagine that you are waiting all week for that one day and that waiting much be pure torture
I can relate in that I used to wait all week for my meds and take them all in 2 days
Don't ever give up
People like you and me need to fight our demons or they will kill us
I have no doubt that my addiction wants me dead
And my ED wants me dead too
Keep fighting that good fight
Stay strong
Believe in you
I love you so so much
Sending you a massive hug across the Atlantic x
By the way, I haven't heard from Rayya in a while
ReplyDeleteI've emailed and commented but I haven't heard back
I hope and pray that she is ok x
Oh, so good to see you again!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a rough path full of changes that's ahead for you. I have my heart on your try to get healthier approach, it's so easy to go overboard when even life is uncertain or changing much... not easy but like Ruby said, I also strongly believe that these disorders want us all dead.
Hugs! <3
I am glad you are back and safe. I know things must be hard but I must admit it was nice to read through your post and find that your life isn't worse.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if I read that right but are you planning to have a second child with your partner? I think I remember that your son was born to your partner so this must be pretty exciting to you.
I dropped out of high school and then had to take the GED test a long time afterwards and I was terrified I would fail because I hadn't been in school for so long, but I actually passed in the 70th percentile without studying once. I think when it actually comes down to it you are smarter than you think.
xoxo and more hugs and lots of love... :)
*Hug attacks*
ReplyDeleteS.A.D sounds like utter arse. I wish you could migrate like the birds to year-round summer!
Fibre bar>laxatives any day of the week. It cause water retention either! Lol, don't let your digestive track become a slacker again, ok?
Fucking hell, if they let ices build up where it shouldn't then they're negligent. 'Nuff said.
Best of luck with the job hunting! Crossing my fingers and toes for you and sending a massive hug <3