Get those glasses off!

Hey everyone, so I'm updating already, yay, go me!

I'm 'home', although it doesn't feel like home... I knew I'd do this (as did my closest friends, hi Jo! lol), but I mean, as yucky as it was at home, it still felt like home.. I just slotted right back into place (the twins friends were rude and tried to tell me they had more right to be there than me, but they're just pathetic would-be adults, if they weren't so damn childish). I feel like I'm rose-tinting already, but I didn't want to leave when it came down to it and I knew I wouldn't :s if I had my own place over there, I'd be happy. I'd be able to have as much of them as I could take, I wouldn't have to live in that filthy house and I'd be on home soil... much happier. I'd be able to see my mum and little brother every day. I miss them tremendously. Tyler turned 11 whilst I was there, he's so loyal.. any one of the others would have seen my leaving as abandonment and dumped me for it. Tyler still loves me and worships me. He's the one who stayed with me and helped me up when I fell. It broke my heart because he was clearly fighting back tears when we parted. I started crying then.

It feels eerily quiet here. Jayden is soooo confused. He misses them all. He woke up crying hysterically several times last night. Everything is sooo quiet for him right now.. he *always* had someone to entertain him... there was always someone swooping up behind him and lifting him into the air, spinning him around... He would have the hugest grin. And the boys always greeted him with a loud, 'AAAAAHHHHHHHH' and he'd promptly do it back, lol.

I don't know if I told you, but Jayden learned to walk on British soil! Yay! He's running around now, the lil monster. I love him to pieces and if it weren't for him, I'd be gone, I think. I love my partner, but she doesn't show me ANY affection. She's gone to her sisters, it's our nieces birthday, she didn't get her anything, so I had to hand over my rimmel london make up, that I had bought when there :( I love that brand. She NEVER walks there, but today decided to do so, it's probably because she wants to have a good gossip and knows full well that I can't walk that far atm. Pfft, whatever.

It doesn't matter where I am, I want to be in the other place. It's going to be like that forever, isn't it? I'm never going to be truly happy, or feel complete.

It's my turn to be happy damnit! I want my family, in England, in our own place. Despite all the promises that that will happen, I know it won't. She won't come there.

She gets to have her cake and eat it too. She has her family, she lives in her home country and she has me too. AND she got to bare our child. She couldn't even give me that.I deserved a blood tie over here, but no, she's fucking selfish and if it weren't for Jayden.. I thik I said that already.

Wow, this post has gone WAAAY off, I guess I am holding many resentments right now. *Sigh*.

Sorry to come back and be all depressive... I'll get back into the swing of things soon.

Time to get back on track with food, or lack there of. I need to sort this mess out. Turns out I gained a total of 12 lbs *cries*. Half of what I lost, although I was convinced that I had gained it all back and more (to see me, I may as well have!). I'm hoping to drop it in 2 weeks. I HATE back tracking! Seeing some girls on here and where they're at and knowing that I could be there right now.. it stings. But, I needed to go home, I *needed* that visit. Just, now it's time to turn things around.

Thanks for all your support everyone, I really appreciate it.. You'll get sick of me soon, I promise :P coz.. I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack! =D