So, I'm being told over and over that I need to write again... I need to get these thoughts out of my head so that I can't curl up with them, well said by Valerie, in Girl, Interrupted. I think I was able to hold it together better and act a little more sane in the real world, when I was able to get my thoughts down and out of my head.
I've always known that I'm Borderline... "Borderline between WHAT and WHAT!??". I wish I knew.. Crazy and psychotic? Sad and happy? Dead and alive? I don't know.. But I know that blogging really helped and I only really stopped because my partner told me that I spent too much time on here, that it made me a bad parent, I guess. Well, now she's leaving me anyway (I'll get to that later), because she can't handle my emotional outbursts. Oh, but mainly because I want a child, like this is news to her?? And she doesn't. So, she pretty much lied to me from the beginning. She got her baby, that's.. okay, stop dani. Sore spot.
Anyway, before I get into the ramblings from my mind and attempting to update (if anyone still checks back here, I know it's been a while), I need to overhaul my blog... It's definitely not going to be an ED blog anymore. I mean, I still struggle with body image, I always will, those thoughts are still there, but I'm working towards being able to have a baby of my own and I can't do that if I'm not nourishing my body.. but back to the overhaul (this is what my brain is like and why I need to try to get the thoughts out, very ADD, flitting back and forth between thoughts, I hope you all can deal with that), I have completely forgotten how to do anything on here?? I can't remember how to change my background, lol.. so, any tips on diary overhauls?? Anything is better than this right now! I think I've grown up some... just a *little*, lol.
Good to see you back and I'm sorry about your partner, but it seems to me she has been a negative force in your life for too long now and I'm glad you can start a new chapter. Follow your own dreams and have a child for yourself. I hope your thanksgiving was okay.
ReplyDeleteBtw I loved "girl interrupted".
xoxo
Thank sweetie, I don't know, I guess you're right.. It just seems like such a long time to throw away.. I lost my best friend when I married her, now I'm going to lose my wife too? It's hard, even after everything she's put me through.. But, I've put her through a lot too.. And I think she's scared.. But I've done everything she's asked. I stopped using, started eating (and gaining as a result), stopped cutting, started getting up and dragging myself out of my depression, I've been helping, I probably do way more housework than here.. I still just feel like a maid and a nanny again,, which is partially why I stopped doing all that in the first place.. That and I just felt like she was stalling on me having a baby.. While I took care of "hers".. I couldn't have been more right :( it hurts, because I just don't understand it. She knew before we got together that I wanted kids, plural, I wanted to bare two of them, I compromised, when she all of a sudden decided she needed to bare her own child too, like totally out of the blue after telling me that I needed to carry our kids, so I said okay I'd be willing just to carry one (because she didn't want 3), and after all this time and telling me, "soon, when Jayden's older, when he's walking, when Jayden's out of diapers, when Jayden's in school", it's ridiculous... But I'd never ever have expected her to give up her dream, even though it wasn't one that she entered into our marriage with, but she'd be happy if I did, because that would keep her in her happy little bubble. I'm just so confused. How can she really love me?
DeleteP.s- I'll get over to your blog tomorrow and catch up a bit 💜
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