I've come to realise, that all of the self abusive and self destructive coping mechanisms... Worked. They quieted the voices in my head - my own voice - but it's more powerful than a thousand random voices. The thoughts, the ruminations, they're overwhelming and tiring.. Exhausting, in fact. They emotionally and physically draining.
I haven't used, minus one slip, in 7 months. Since before I miscarried my first baby. After having sex to make that baby, I used, because I felt guilty. But I just so desperately wanted a baby.. So, the last time I used was well before I found out I was pregnant, but of course I still blamed myself for my miscarriage :'( I told myself if I wasn't pregnant again within 6 months, that I could go use my face off... Well, I wasn't, and I did use, but I didn't use my face off.. before I did so, I put myself into a crisis/safe house, a step down from hospital.. To try to avoid the impending relapse. I got my period and I just broke down.. Here's a pic of the tattoo I got for my angel baby...
I have tried to mourn and grieve this loss, but letting go is hard.. Letting go of a dream is harder and my baby was a dream.. My dream of being a mother. My dream of being a mother with my (ex?) wife seems long gone, apparently the last 8 years have been a lie. I've been strung along, all the while, she knew she didn't want more kids.. I think she knew that when she decided she wanted to carry. She only ever wanted one, I think she knew that all along. If she only ever wanted one and wasn't prepared to budge on that, shouldn't I have been the only to carry? How can she want the best of both worlds?? She can't expect me to give up that primal desire to carry a child because she only wants one blessing. That's her choice but she couldn't give up carrying her own child? smh. I don't get it.
So, I haven't self injured in even longer and I haven't engaged in eating disordered activities. I think, because I'm afraid of the repercussions on my body.. I'm already feeling the effects of drug use and ED eating, on my body and he's not pretty. From bone issues to bowel issues, it ain't pretty, I promise you.. My main reason for abstaining (and it seems to get harder some days, rather than easier), is because I want to be healthy to have a baby... But maybe I can't do it? Right now I'm faced with doing it alone, as a single parent.. If I have to do that, I really think I need my head shrunk first. I need to get through dbt, it's a year long intensive therapy, twice a week, groups and individual sessions.. There's a real chance of recovery from borderline (news flash: borderlines don't "recover", because like addicts and the eating disordered, it will *always* be with us, we just better learn how to deal with it), with this programme. I need to do it.. I've been waiting 2 years to do it! But, if my wife is gonna leave me, I need a clean break, which means returning to the UK, but I'm having trouble finding info on dbt back there, if I go back, I need profession supports in place. That's not an option, unfortunately, it seems that you have to ask your GP about any such therapies. Gah.
I don't want to leave my son.. But I know that I need to look after myself, before I can be of any use to him. Even though my boy was forced on me, I love him with every fibre of my being.. That wasn't his fault, that was his selfish and impatient mother, who manipulated and tricked me into agreeing, and lied about a few things along the way.. So, as much as I feared, and tried not to at times, I became his mummy and I dread the thought of leaving him, but I've only been in this country this long because of him and his mother.. If I don't have my family, then why would I stay?? She expects me to stay.. After trapping me here.. She expects me to stay with absolutely no support network.. She's always bad her smily. She never had to leave them. She never had to be alone. She never had to rely on one single person to love and support her. She never had to leave all she held dear. She just doesn't get it.
I feel like I've no choice but to stop trying to conceive, at least for a few months - a year (that breaks my heart right there), possibly go back to the UK, slay my dragons, and start over.
This is just part of the shit that's in my head, on repeat, over and over. Ruminating, over analysing, overthinking, confusing the hell out of myself.
I've become a quiet, introverted person, who's afraid to express herself, because she doesn't trust anyone's feelings, least of all her own. I isolate, because I don't know how to socialise anymore.. I used to be the life and soul of the party.. But I don't even trust that anymore. I'm locked and stuck inside my own head, with my biggest fears... It's a scary place to be.
There's a borderline quote that I'd like to share.. It describes how I feel, so perfectly, that I cried when I read it.. I could have written it myself, except that I never would have been able to find the words.. I'm hoping that coming back here.. And letting the thoughts flow, unhindered, unaltered, will allow me to find the words to express myself once again...
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