Cancer is corrosive. BPD is corrosive.
Cancer destroys your body, mind and soul. BPD destroys your mind, soul and body.
If I had cancer, and I'd finally been approved for a treatment to destroy it, would my wife divorce me right then? I feel like that's what she's doing now. I've just started DBT. Things will get better, but she's giving up on me on the last leg. I don't understand. And I don't understand why I care?? She's put me through hell... but, I've put her through hell back.
When she stopped being physically intimate with me, after having Jayden I guess, and I don't just mean sex, I mean hugs, cuddles, everything, I withdrew... I withdrew so far into myself that I became trapped inside my own head. I became convinced that she was abandoning me, just like everyone else had. I became moody, irritated, angry.. If she even brushed against me in bed, I'd freeze, full of fear, that it might break open some of the feeling that I'd locked deep inside of myself, and that that would leave me vulnerable to emotional pain. I will do *anything* to spare myself more emotional pain. It's my biggest fear. I'd shuffle away, to the edge of the bed, bundle the blankets up behind me, make sure she couldn't penetrate the wall I'd built myself. And I'd tell myself, she withdrew from me, she left me, I won't let her hurt me anymore.
I feel like a child. A hurt, scared and vulnerable little girl, who just needs her mummy. Often times I wish I were a child. I never did want to grow up... Aged 10, I became stressed about the double digits I'd acquired. Aged 12, I feared becoming a teenager, this is when my eating disorder really flared.. Of course, now I know why. Aged 13, I full out panicked, I did anything I could to prove that I was still a child.. yet, I had so many responsibilities. 16, 17, 18, denial. Aged 19, I full out cried when I turned 20. Refused to tell my age, I was "19 and 2 halves". it was a running joke.. but, I was deadly serious. I couldn't accept my age...
Now, I'm 32 years old and I still feel like a child. My mind will never grow up. At 27, when I was forced into becoming a parent, I was terrified, I couldn't even look after myself... Eventually, I think I just tried to force myself to accept it.. Maybe I thought having a child of my own would force me to do that? I can't get my childhood back, so maybe I can give my own child a real childhood. Make amends? I don't know. I always knew I wanted children. My life plan had me procreating at age 25. When I reached 25, I knew I wasn't ready. In truth, I think I'm less mentally prepared now, than I was then. Maybe I have a bigger home, but maybe I won't even have that for long...
.I am afraid.
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