So, today I'm back in negative for my net cals. I made myself get off my ass and take my boy for a walk for an hour... I've felt so weak lately, that the gym seems impossible, but I'm going to make myself go, either tomorrow, or Saturday. Tomorrow is gonna be busy, so I'm not sure when I could go and with all the running around, I don't know about energy =/
I am so depressed about my weight right now, I've been looking back at pics when I was skinny. I am so FAT right now! Fuck! HOW DID I LET MYSELF DO THIS!?!?! Self destruction! I swear, this much fat is more unhealthy than any amount of underweight!
Okay, enough self pity. I just need to get ON with this. I need it off *now*. Now is not soon enough. So I am going to stop whining about it and continue to do something *about* it!
I had some chicken today for protein. I think some of you think I don't eat at all, when I get negative for my net cals... That's not the case, I have just burned it off, so the app expects me to eat more, because of that! Mwahahahaha, NO! Lol. It subtracts the exercise cals burned, from the food you've eaten, and gives you a negative total... so if you eat a little and exercise enough, you get a negative net and that's far better than any 0, seriously! It feels *awesome*
Going grocery shopping tomorrow, *grrr* NOT happy! Because, now all of a sudden my partner wants to come. We... well, *she* made up a list.. And said, we don't get *anything* that isn't on this list... which is fine. I love that.. but can she stick to that?? I just want some apples and oranges and we still have some frozen chicken and pork, low in cals if cooked right. But, she wants to buy bagels and, salad dressings and BREAD!!! And 'smart popcorn' which she says is 110 cals for half a bag (and tried to dump half a bag on me other night), but I don't fucking want it!, Why can't she get that? Oh and 'light philly, incase I slip', who thinks like that!?! JUST DON'T BUY IT!!! Oh but, it's for our son. Well, then.. don't eat our sons food? Fuck I don't know, because those bagels are hard for me.. I thought I hated bagels, until she convinced me to try them, it's like that with a LOT of foods that I had spent years convincing myself I hated! Fuck.
And I have a feeling she's been reading this (Hey! Hi if you have :)). I don't like seeing her at my computer, after I've been out. She has her own. And then seeing my blog dashboard open =/ I'll flip! Because we had an agreement, but she is just so snoopy! I'm the same, in some ways, can't be a hypocrite! Lol.. but not like that, I wouldn't go on her comp and try to find her private groups and blogs =/ ya know?
Sorry if I'm not making much sense... There's so much in my head that I want to spill out and it all comes out jumbled, because I'm so damn anxious right now, blah.
Sorry this is a long one.. I'll make a second entry about something separate I want to ask your opinions on..
Live strong, girls, I know you can x
P.s- if I ever get any guy followers, I will include men in that too! ;) Guys usually covers both though, eh?
I don't know if I knew you had a son. How old is he? My boys are almost 5 and 16months. I'm sorry that you're having issues with your body. You're beautiful sweetie.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
Hey hun.. Ya =D He turned a year a couple of weeks ago =D He's the light of my life... I think I left you a confusing comment, saying I have a son, but I don't know if I'll ever have children, bc I lost my periods for a good few years... So, I'll send you a msg tomorrow ( it's kinda complicated), coz I'm just about to drop, lol and have to get up early for appointments for tomorrow, blah.
DeleteI am mostly tired get tired from stress. You just sound like you have a lot going on. Maybe that is why you are tired. I say just get some exercise in when you can. Some exercise is better than no exercise.
ReplyDeleteI know, how do we get to where we are. I know mine was my slow thyroid. I know my weight was getting out of control when I hit 170lb. I just couldn't seem to get in to go down and it just kept going up.
We have to fight it! We deserve our dream bodies. They belong to us. We just have to show our bodies that is true.
I never stick to my food list. If I do I have to be in a hurry. I mean where I have to get in and get out kind of thing. Other than that I will wonder and buy stuff I don't need. oh don't let me be hunger 9_9
I leave my dashboard up too. I like live on here. Lucky my hubby never gets on the laptop. He likes to use the computer.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Hey hun,
DeleteWell, she did want stuff that wasn't on the list... a bag of rice cake thingies, a BIG bag, I made her put it back, lol and we compromised on a package of rice cakes that are like 35 cals and no fat. Not bad. We did pretty good.
I know we'll get there too x
Hey, I am so happy that you got in to the minus again :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could erase your history or open the dashboard in a new incognito window (if you have google chrome) thats what I do when I go to see my bf.. but then again you shouldnt even have to do that! I do hope she hasnt been peeking, cos its not very fair but hey if she has *hi Partner* - I hope everything is ok between you guys..
I keep looking at pics of my self when I was skinnier too - it just makes me feel so regretful and stupid for becoming like this... sigh. But hey, we *will* get there!
Stay strong hun, lots of love xx
Ugh, I know eh?? It's like, you were such a skinny bitch and you didn't even know it, look at you now!! Lol.. We are never happy! Haha.
DeleteYou make me laugh hun, the 'hi partner' had me giggling like a giddy school girl :P ok well, that just sounded good, but it did have me grinning like a Cheshire cat! ;)
Thank you for the smile sweetie xxx