...I'm happy with the welbutrin, I don't really give a shit if it's bad for me. I think it's curbing my appetite. I'm totally nauseous after I eat. I shake my leg even more than before.. I think I'm have to make a concious effort to try to shake the other one sometimes too, or else I'll have one thin leg and one fat one! :P lmao, the image is horrendous!
I've not had the energy to go to the gym though =( I don't want to stop my trend, damnit, I just haven't been eating enough to do it. My blood pressure lowers when I'm standing, apparently. I'm not skinny, that shouldn't be happening yet ffs. I need to go so much further, so if my body starts collapsing on me now, wtf?? I'm an *overweight*, not just in my head, either. I swore I'd never let this happen again. FUCK ME!
I think it was definitely the exercise that had me all bouncy and 'peppy' (for me). The last couple of days, I've taken a fucking nap in the middle of the day! Gotten up much earlier, gone to sleep around the same, late, time.. but... pfft, maybe I need to eat a little more, so that I have the energy to burn more.. but I just can't bring myself to do it.
I mean, we went grocery shopping. Got a TONNE of healthy, low cal, low fat foods and a couple of snacks (also low cal, no fat.. like fat free yoghurt and rice cakes). And my indulgence? And apple pear and some O.J yesterday =/ (I totally berated myself for the O.J - "you could have had so much less if you didn't drink that, you fat cow".. 200 cals, in juice.. for dinner. It was my PMS allowance. I allowed myself it and I still shit on myself after (not literally, although hit 69 lbs and it might happen - just for those of you reading who think this might be fun, it's not, it's horrendous)), and today a rice cake and some cherries. She's gonna bitch at me for not eating the apples... again. I guess I was PMSing and I just wanted apples :s not cake, or cookies, or a big fat pig out binge, but apples... all day. I didn't have them :s I wolfed down a big juicy apple pear and felt like an utter *pig*.
I've been trying to walk every day though. I was on my feet for 4 hours yesterday. Grocery shopping for 2.. Shopping for clothes for my little boy for another 2.. Apparently that burned 899 cals. Wtf is it with this 99 bullshit anyway?? Lol.. Maybe it's just a sign to keep striving for my 99 lb goal. I burn cals with 9 or 99 on the end.. I spend a total of minutes doing activities that end with 9 or 99. And it's not concious either. Maybe I should be 99.9 lbs... Nah. 99 is better.
I remember lying in bed... ridden. For 8 months, maybe more. Time passed in a blur. Pain, no matter the position, because my bones were being poked by the springs in the mattress. But holy fuck, ask me to choose between then and now? And I still do not know the answer! How SICK is that?? I mean, I would *never* intentionally get that low again.. but, hell.. I never intentionally got this big either.
Holy ramble. I had nothing much to say when I began this entry...
I have major heartburn, blegh.
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry you feel so down. I know what you mean about your bones poking the mattress. I always hit my hip bones on the kitchen counter. Hurts like a bitch. You are beautiful and a lovely writer. Stay strong.
ReplyDeleteXOXO
I wish that was my problem now, lol.. I think I would just rebound and bounce all over the kitchen.. or break the counter!
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments huni, I look forward to them and you always make me feel better =)
xxx
What are you talking about? I love your rambles. Much better than my depressing post today.
ReplyDeleteI like how you keep track of every single activity you do. Maybe I should start doing that as well. I can keep better track of how many calories I am burning.
I am so on board with you and these meds. They are helping you and helping you lose weight. Killing two birds with one stone.
:-) see you on the next post
Thanks hun, you make me smile!
DeleteI don't really log every activity, but I like to *know*, ya know? This website is pretty cool for that stuff: http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc
About to go catch up on your posts next! Sorry I'm so behind, I'm a loser =/
I mean, I keep track, but I don't log them in my app, lol x
DeleteWow, you were in such a dark place, I hope it doesnt get like that again for you.. x
ReplyDeleteAnd I can totally relate - you're not sick in the head, if you are then I am too, cos I would rather be extremely thin than how fat I am now.. I guess I must be sick in the head too? Oh well its just how I feel..
Hun, you did so well. Everything you ate was good and healthy, you ate no carbs or chocolate or nothing bad even on your period! Something I find it so hard to do. So dont be too had on yourself, it upsets me to see you chastising yourself like this, cos honestly you are doing brilliantly, stay strong and try to keep positive, I know you can do this.
Maybe you just need to up your protein? or drink some orange juice - medicine can also affect your heart rate.. lowers and raises blood pressure.. So it could be just another effect of the meds, or your body reacting to the weightloss.
I hope you are ok hun, much love xxx
It was the most awful time of my life.. I have a son now, someone to live and share my life with, but I don't know if I'd go back, just to be skinny!? A shallow, emaciated mess. Wow, I'm shallow.
DeleteI hope I never have to relive it either though.. Thanks fire your kind words and support hun, it means more than you know x
hey sweetie,
ReplyDeletehope you are doing ok,
Wow you were bed ridden for 8 months, that must've been really tough. I hope it doesn't get that bad again.
You sound like you are doing well though so keep going girl,
much love xxx
Yeah if I even tried to get half way up I'd pass out =/ I was in terrible pain too bc honestly, I hadn't shit in that long either =/ I remember laying on my stomach one day trying to get comfortable, when I felt something under me =s I kept trying to feel for it to move this 'object' so I could be somewhat more comfortable... Well it dawned on me that it wasnt exactly an 'object'.. I felt my stomach and looked down and realised in horror exactly what it was... I don't think I have to go into any more detail than that =/ embarrassing as hell but if it deters any one who might come by here wandering what its like... Then I did my job.
DeleteOh and that happened twice btw, two stints of around 7-9 months =/ so yeah, back then I chose skinny, I was given 2 days to live the second time around.
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