I HATE TOM! Time for... Ketosis...

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days... I've been so stressed. I have like a 1000 more grey hairs! :| I noticed my first grey... well, silver to be technical... hairs, when I was 19! Fucking 19! But, hey, in 9 years, you'd think it would have spread all over, but I'm not all silver yet! On the plus side, when I dye my hair, it makes these wicked highlights... In a couple weeks, I'm gonna dye my hair red, I'll post pics. Can't do it yet, because I just had a pretty harsh chemical put on my hair, so I have to wait.

So, I decided that I wanted to fast. Fucking bitch of the month is due. I bloat. I hate it. And, I practically binged. Night binge, I was barely awake *cries* 2 fibre bars, a few handfuls of fibre cereal, a bagel. A 5 cal jello. A 60 cal pudding cup. And milk =| I was so ashamed of myself. I had fallen asleep on the couch.. I woke up at one something, turned everything off, went on my way to bed, I have to walk through the kitchen to get to my room.. and all of a sudden, I'm eating. FFS! I barely ate the last time the bitch came. I've been eating a bowl of salad, with zero fat, cal, carb caesar dressing. And a 50 cal rice cake or 2, each day.

I went up the 3 lbs I lost after the binge. So, the next day I fasted. I had an energy drink to get me through the day, unfortunately it was a 100 cal energy drink, with like 25g of sugar :| I had a long drive to go get my hair done, and some idiot had woken us and the baby at FIVE AM, knocking and banging on our door, only to have the WRONG FREAKEN ADDRESS!!! Who DOES that!?!

So, when I weighed last night, I was down 3.5 lbs. I haven't weighed today yet. I'm starving. Today, I was going to make sure I consumed no sugar, so that I could enter ketosis. But FUCK (butt fuck, hah), I went to get my meds, took it without even thinking, as I was drinking (it's 60 mls of juice), I was like FUCK! So, that screws today. I mean, I don't have to let it screw the whole of today, because it was early, but my meds are all that way for the next 2 days... And it would be an INSTANT reset. a ml of juice will crap you right out of ketosis INSTANTLY... And it takes 3 days to get back there again. Fortunately, my meds are in the form of pills - to take with me to England. Unfortunately, I have to pay for them :( - same COST for the pills, but not covered, like WTF?? - so I'm going to fast 4 days on, 3 days off. The body enters ketosis after the 3rd day, so I'll at least get a days worth of its benefits. I wish I could do more, but I don't want to ruin the whole time for everyone, because I'm not eating. I guess I could just eat my chicken. No carbs, so I could still enter ketosis, still get amazing weight loss results... but, I want ALL the great results of fasting, the regeneration, the healing, the age reversal (not sure if I believe this one entirely, but it does wonders for your skin and that alone makes you look younger, purer), everything. I thought I would crack yesterday and eat, but I didn't, because I couldn't :s doesn't make much sense, huh? I mean... I wanted to eat, but I couldn't make myself get up, go to the kitchen and make something, couldn't do it. If someone had put something in front of me (if it was a salad), I may have... but, I'm SO not making sense.... moving on.

I don't know how or when I'm going to be able to weigh when I'm there. I'm SO anxious about this. Partner is anxious about the plane journey with our son, etc, and me? I'm anxious about when I can fucking WEIGH! I'm SO shallow. But, to be fair, I'm not worried about the plane journey, because I've done it so often. I've done it with a kid a couple of times too so, I'm simply not worried. I'm thinking of stashing my scale in the bottom of the suitcase. Heh. Probably would get broken anyway... Fuck. I have to weight right *now*.

I haven't been around the past few days, because I've been stressing about money. How we're gonna afford our meds to take, etc etc. The bills we have to pay while we're away, but not even using the services for! And I mean, we're so behind. Partner got a new phone on the phone insurance, bc hers broke, and that cost $150, so that put us right behind on the cell phone. We were paid over a $1000 less that month due to some screw up, so we're behind on cable too. I want to cut them off for the two months we're gone, but she has an employee plan for her cell phone, which makes it hella cheap and if we cut it off, she loses it. That would suck. So, I don't know what to do there. Paying 800 in rent for an empty place, sucks butt as it is, lol... But, that's life. I wish we were moving. I want to move anyway. But.. Thankfully, we have been approved for a credit card increase, so we can get our meds and if anything comes up, emergency wise, we should be okay. The LAST thing we need is MORE credit card debt, but whatever. We'll figure it out. I can't wait to be able to work. I've been thinking about at least getting a weekend job when I'm over there. But... it seems to unfair, bc it will take time away from all the people I need to catch up with, ya know?


I'm so fuckin anxious about weighing. I'm still not going to eat today. I really just don't want to. I need this weight to come off faster and I'm terrified of getting stuck in another plateau after my period is done. I never fully recovered from last months. Like, 3 lbs??? In 3 weeks! I mean, I could eat 1200 cals a day and do better than that! I've been averaging around 300 =/ I SHOULD be losing faster, but my fucking body is somehow managing to hang onto fucking fat and crap from SALAD and a couple of fat FREE rice cakes! Like FUCK. I KNOW I have totally SCREWED up my metabolism over the years, I tried being good. I tried retraining it. But, it takes the patience of a saint! I need to lose and THEN retrain and focus on not getting refeeding syndrome *then*, 'cross that bridge when I come to it', sort of thing. Right now, I just want to fast it all away. I just want to get down to the next set of numbers. 25-30 more lbs and I can start to feel a tad better. It should be OFF by now.  


I'm sorry this post is all over the place =/ my thoughts are like that today, so... I guess it makes sense.


P.s- I have no idea why half this post has a white background :s Blogger, wtf??
Hmm, well I tried to fix it, but there's not a dark enough colour to match. Weird.