Fat "Anorexic"...

I have that 'anorexic' mindset again and it is absolutely TORTUROUS being *really* fat with it. I was watching a documentary on anorexia etc and how hard it is when anorexics relapse from recovery, at a normal or over weight, weight. No one can tell you that you aren't actually fat, because you medically are. And so you feel like you have every right and that you're somehow justified in starving yourself. That's where I'm at right now.

My 2 lbs stayed off. I lost another. So, 3 down since the plateau started. So, seeing a number that I haven't seen in a while. That makes me feel a tiny bit relieved. Was the same today, didn't go down, but didn't go up either *phew*. I need to get to the gym. I've been researching stuff and apparently, a low cal + high exercise routine can really stick you in a plateau. I'm going to try calorie cycling. I could do carb cycling (kind of like 2-4-6-8 diet), but I'm going to try calorie first. Carb requires high protein and as sad as it sounds, with the trip to England so close, I just can't afford to spend a bunch of money on chicken and fish and stuff. And I'd get pretty sick of eggs real fast. Salads are cheap, good and healthy. I just have to get my cals up a couple days a week. Scary. I don't set out to starve everyday any more. I just *don't* get hungry. I don't want to eat. It's not like, 'I sooooo want a piece of cake, but I can't have it' (so, sometimes it is, but mostly), it's like, 'I'm not even thinking about cake right now.. or.. anything really'. I wish it would stay this way. Haven't wanted to binge. Have to fight with myself to *have* a fibre bar or something to bring my cals up (so that I can lose weight! and not fucking plateau!), rather than fighting with myself not to have it. I shouldn't complain... but, it's not good for my metabolism, so not good for my weight loss. I'm just hard-wired to think that food = fat = bad. Which is not necessarily so!

If you're going to do starvation mode calories (starvation mode is *never* good for your metabolism, it'll start moving at a snails pace), then you apparently should concentrate on strength training, over cardio. Getting some cardio in is obviously important for heart health etc, but I need to keep my muscle tone up (and in my case *build* muscle), so that I'm actually losing fat lbs and not muscle lbs. Muscle weighs more, sure, but without it, you cannot burn fat. That's where the term 'skinny fat person' comes from. Often skinny people, who aren't toned, have a higher body fat percentage than someone who weighs more and is more muscular. A lot of anorexics actually have a high body fat percentage. Crazy, eh?

So, maybe I'll do my woods trail a few times a week, instead of every day. And strength training in the gym the other days.

I'm gonna go to the gym tonight and get acquainted with the strength training machines, that I've really wanted to try, but haven't had the guts, because I don't wanna do it wrong and be laughed at, heh. Apparently, I can't ask for advice from the qualified fitness trainers, that I pay membership to take advantage of their knowledge etc. *Sigh*. I'm going to go late though, so hopefully it's dead in there.

So, good cals. Lots of strength training. Some cardio. I feel like I can do much better with strength training anyway. I *hate* cardio, lol. I like how I feel after though, so it makes it worth it.

A protein, complex carbs: one fibrous carb (like broccoli) and one starchy carb (like a sweet potato, or brown rice). The more you want to lose, the less starchy carb you have. Hmm. Makes sense.

I finally got the Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle package. I couldn't afford 40 bucks, so I closed the page, it said, 'we'll enter you to win a holiday to show off your new beach body, blah blah', I was like whatever, I close it again, it's like, 'no wait, stay... pay 5 bucks, try it out for 21 days (it's a 49 day programme) if you like it pay the rest later and get the rest of the programme'. I'm like, I can do that. Seems fair. It's not a fad diet, that's the best thing. It's a lifestyle change. It tells you how the weight-loss industry keeps sucking you in and stealing your money, whilst trying to keep you fat, so that you keep spending. No more diet pills for me. Skinny doesn't come in a pill. SO true. Reading through it is going to be more challenging than implementing it. It's LONG. But very interesting. And it makes a lot of sense, so far.

Trying to make my unhealthy relapse, a little healthier.

Don't starve girls, it's not pretty. And you know what? You'll lose a lot MORE weight by eating and nourishing your body (yes, I'm a hypocrite, but it's become *hard* to eat) and exercising. And the best thing? You'll *keep* it off. Re-feeding kills it every time.

Love to you all x