What my ED has cost me...

This question was asked by, Ruby-tuesday. Thanks for the inspiration, Ruby *love* x

Basically, my reply was too long (not a good thing), so I decided to post it here:


As for me...
*I've lost friends
*Lots and lots of friends, I barely have any (and the ones I do have, I have just met, or just reconnected with).. 
*I lost certain family members, who just couldn't see me suffer anymore... I didn't reconnect with them in the same way, ever again.
*I lost School =( this was traumatic for me, I still regret it to this day, I dream about second chances
*I lost my sanity at one point, no really.
*I lost my pride. My dignity. Several times.
*I lost the use of my bowels. Not control, but *use*
*I lost my pride. My dignity.
*I became impacted
*I lost my pride. My dignity.
*I had to have surgery. Surgery for impactions, is an extremely humiliating process, thank gods I was out for the whole thing.
*I was very, very close to vomiting my own poop, because it had nowhere else to go but back up and again
*I lost my pride. My dignity. My independence, because..
*My mum helped me into the bath one night, gasped in horror at how much I'd wasted away and
*I lost my voice, my control, because she..
*Forced me to eat (WORSE thing she could do at that time, medically, emotionally, physically). 
Thankfully, it didn't cause me to vomit faeces. 
*It took 8 months *straight* of my life, bedridden
*Twice* 8 months x2
*Caused me to be bedridden
*Pride. Dignity. Independence
*Unable to move for pain, lack of energy and mostly
*For fear of passing out.
*I would sometimes pass out from trying to *sit*.
*I would *always* pass out if I tried to stand.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. By now, these words have lost meaning to me, but I felt it, I just learned to numb those feelings
*My mum had to take care of me, at 16, 17 & 18. She should have just been getting rid of me!
*It caused me guilt and
*I lost my awesome relationship with my mum for a while, because 
*I became a burden. To her. To everyone.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. Strength.
My mum didn't notice how dire the situation had become, because I was laying in bed for months, she didn't see the further drastic weight-loss, until that dreaded bath (which also saved me). 
*It took my DIGNITY. Moment of mental clarity?
*It cost me my relationship with my brothers. They didn't understand. It made them angry. They threatened to force feed me and I wouldn't have been able to stop them. They still call me fat to this day though. They are ignorant.
*It cost me my physical strength. It made me vulnerable, so
*I lost my security, sense of safety.
*I lost my confidence. Any that I had left by that point, anyway... she takes the rest.
*I lost my self esteem. Same as above
*I lost my *FEAR* and that made me careless. I didn't care if I lived or died any-more. As a result;
*I was given 2 days to live. More like, two days to die... I had long before, forgotten how to live.
*I lost my heart (not literally)
*I lost my will. My will to live.

First time around, I was given the option to 'go quietly', or I would be sectioned. I went attempting, rather pathetically and uselessly, to kick and scream, but calmed down enough to go in voluntarily. The second time around, the time I was given 2 days, I was so weak, the paramedics had to carry me to the ambulance and let's face it, I wasn't any heavier than a child.
*Pride. Dignity. Independence. - so long gone by now... but,
*They had to pick me up in my own piss and shit, pretty much.

And
*I lost a tooth. Menial in comparison, but my teeth are important to me
*I lost mouth, gum and teeth health, it took me many years to bring them back to healthy standard. A dentist once asked me if I brushed my teeth! They were so filled with plaque and stains from purging =(
*I lost my health.
I have so many "uncomfortable" health problems now, like I'm getting signs of arthritis. My neck, back left foot, all bones really, are shot. My muscles are more than shot. I hurt everyday. Glam? Thought not.



One of the most devastating things to me is..
*I could have lost my fertility. I don't know yet.


I am telling you everything here, total honesty. Things I would usually leave out, because I want people who don't know what eating disorders do (and I know many of you do, but there are those who *think* they want this), to know that they are NOT glamorous. They are putrid. And smelly. Literally. Whether from vomit, or shit or just plain depressing crappiness, they stink! There is no glamour here. Did any of that sound 'glamorous' or *worth* losing weight for?

*I lost my LIFE. And it is STILL TAKING OVER MY LIFE!*

Whether in recovery, which always leads to binge eating for me, whether actively involved in my eating disorder, whether I'm bingeing and purging, starving, fasting, restricting... It has every part of me in some way or another. I obsessively count, count, count.. Calories. LBS. Fat g. Carbs. Fibre content. Sugar content. I obsess over what goes in and what comes out - calories in/calories out. Calories out *have* to be more, or I lose it! The number on the scale, depicts the mood for my day, literally. I just hope with the proper help and support, that one day I can get through this, with the demons buried far enough, that I can overpower them. 

*I have gained a lifelong battle*

I have also gained YOU. Yes, you reading this.  It is the only good thing to have come out of ANY of this, is that, over the years, I've met, become close to, helped and befriended many beautiful and brilliant young women. All sadly struggling =(

You are beautiful. Say it now. I AM BEAUTIFUL. Hah, there you said it, read it, whatever. Now, take small steps to believe it =) Try to say it in the mirror every day, seriously. Because you are the most beautiful, supportive, non-judgemental people I know. 

x I love you all x