I left a mega long comment on Ruby's blog today, I wanted to paste it here, a) to share a part of my story, it's a very brief, shortened version, but my story none-the-less and b) most importantly, to thank Ruby for inspiring me and giving me the courage and confidence to put this stuff out there. Ruby blogs about THE most interesting things, asks thought provoking questions and is the most honest person I know. She has taught me to begin to be accountable for myself, good and bad.
I'm literally just pasting the comment, because I'm lazy. I want a reference of what she has done for me, in my own blog. I want to remember why and how I was able to admit the darkest, most painful secret in my closet.
Thank you Ruby! <--- Follow! You won't regret it! =D
My comment:
Hey hun.. I'm so sorry I haven't been commenting, I've been shit lately.. I have been reading though.
I know exactly what you mean about having to learn for yourself.. My dad was a heroin addict, I *hated* the drug, but ended up doing it myself :s after I found out that my mum had been doing them, after 13 years of being with my dad and never touching them! I always knew if I tried it, I would get hooked, I wasn't in denial like most who think, 'I can stop when I want, I won't get hooked', I was more like... just waiting for it to happen. I was so distraught when I found out about my mum, then my friend at school asked me if I could get some (she heard where I lived and assumed it was easy for me to get, I went to a private school, see) and I was shocked, I remember thinking, 'kids our age don't do that stuff'. My dad was a dealer to support his habit, so I'd only ever seen adults coming to buy it...But, I looked up to her, I think I had a crush on her, looking back, so I started thinking about trying it and told her I'd bring some and we could do it together.. we never did though.. Then, I was assaulted when I was 15 and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I was just like, 'fuck it, can't beat 'em, join 'em'. I'd seen all these people out of their heads and I wanted that escapism. I remember cutting really deep the night I was assaulted... but it didn't numb me enough, I felt so dirty and was just crying so hard... I went and stole some of my dads stash, bc I knew where he kept it.. and the rest is history... It really is such a hard world to escape from.. I moved half way across the world to get away! And I still managed to find it a couple hours away.. but, I'm doing good so far, you are very much an inspiration to me hun x
Sorry I rambled on.. I guess this is the answer to your email, that I've been trying to write for daaaaaays now! Lol.. there is some more stuff, that I really don't wanna put here, but I will get around to that email!
I'm so glad you got out of that world hun x Now for us to learn to love ourselves and kick the EDs to the curb! Hah, I wonder if it will ever happen for me =/ I hope it happens for you x
Love to you sweets x
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about having to learn for yourself.. My dad was a heroin addict, I *hated* the drug, but ended up doing it myself :s after I found out that my mum had been doing them, after 13 years of being with my dad and never touching them! I always knew if I tried it, I would get hooked, I wasn't in denial like most who think, 'I can stop when I want, I won't get hooked', I was more like... just waiting for it to happen. I was so distraught when I found out about my mum, then my friend at school asked me if I could get some (she heard where I lived and assumed it was easy for me to get, I went to a private school, see) and I was shocked, I remember thinking, 'kids our age don't do that stuff'. My dad was a dealer to support his habit, so I'd only ever seen adults coming to buy it...But, I looked up to her, I think I had a crush on her, looking back, so I started thinking about trying it and told her I'd bring some and we could do it together.. we never did though.. Then, I was assaulted when I was 15 and that was the straw that broke the camels back. I was just like, 'fuck it, can't beat 'em, join 'em'. I'd seen all these people out of their heads and I wanted that escapism. I remember cutting really deep the night I was assaulted... but it didn't numb me enough, I felt so dirty and was just crying so hard... I went and stole some of my dads stash, bc I knew where he kept it.. and the rest is history... It really is such a hard world to escape from.. I moved half way across the world to get away! And I still managed to find it a couple hours away.. but, I'm doing good so far, you are very much an inspiration to me hun x
Sorry I rambled on.. I guess this is the answer to your email, that I've been trying to write for daaaaaays now! Lol.. there is some more stuff, that I really don't wanna put here, but I will get around to that email!
I'm so glad you got out of that world hun x Now for us to learn to love ourselves and kick the EDs to the curb! Hah, I wonder if it will ever happen for me =/ I hope it happens for you x
Love to you sweets x
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Hmmm... I really should have put this in an email =/ I'm not going to delete it now though, I'm afraid of being judged, but... Your honesty inspires me and peoples positive responses to you are a breath of fresh air, the lack of judgement and the amount of support is refreshing and... so, so odd to me. I am so used to being judged for this stuff. Thank you for showing me that I don't need to hide this part of myself here. If I hadn't found you, I would NEVER, EVER have admitted to anyone that I had a drug problem and especially would never have disclosed what drug. Thank you Ruby, you are a star! And everyone here has renewed my faith in humanity xx
Awwwww. Thanks for sharing the comment you left ruby and opening up to us some more. I know it must be really hard to do.
ReplyDeleteI always remember that my ex husband told me you can not look at everyone and tell that they are on drugs. He is right. You and ruby are such amazing people I would have never known. You ladies are a lot stronger than you probably know you are.
I am glad to hear from you. It's not like you have gone a week or anything like that without posting.
Can't wait to hear from you again as always.
Sweetie firstly I want to say a big thank you for the comment you left on my blog. You really opened up and shared something that must've been difficult to do. Lord knows I was anxious posting that entry as I've also been judged for being an addict and have done some crazy shit for drugs. You have been through not only drug addiction but from reading your blog and the little bits you've shared, the nightmare you've been through with your ed. It might sound a bit nuts but maybe your body remembers being through that and is like
ReplyDelete'no, I'm not doing that again'
Maybe you need to eat a bit more to boost your metabollism.
I know it must be so frustrating for you and I hear your pain. Of course you belong here, you are one of us, you just are.
You know you can contact me anytime for anything, I would love to hear from you, I don't know if I can help but I can listen and identify. You are strong beyond words and I for one am glad to call you my friend.
Hang in there,
All is not lost,
Sending you a BIG virtual hug xxx
Hey :) Well done for getting this out there, Ruby is such a star and an inspiration so I am glad she got you to open up and lay all your cards bare. I think you are so so very brave to let us all in to your world and share your life with us all, it is such an admirable thing to do and I am very very proud of you. I hope that no one judges you, I for one feel there is nothing to judge. We all have our demons, we all do things that we later regret, it is a sad part of life. The important thing is that you got past all of that, you got out of that world, you got a new life, you got married and you have a son. You have achieved so much and you have nothing at all to be ashamed of, dont ever let any one put you down because you are a truly brilliant person and so loving and kind and inspirational and strong. I am so so glad to have met you and find in you a friend.. I am always here if you need help or to talk about. I am so sorry you went through what you went through, I was abused as a kid, so I can kind of identify the want to feel numb and escape. You used drugs, I used heroin. Different substance but same method to our madness right? I am so glad that you got out of it and are living a different life.
ReplyDeleteI hope you are ok hun, If you ever need me I am here for you any time of day night whatever.
Much love <3 xx